Marian:
I'm not exactly in the same situation with my kids but my youngest just started kindergarten and I miss him so much! I'm a SAHM, and he has been my buddy and with me all the time since he was born. I still have a 2 year old daughter at home but it's just not the same.

It makes me happy and sad all at the same time that he has moved onto this next phase of life. Every morning when I wake him up for school I get this sense of dread. It's heartbreaking that he'll now be in school for the next 13+ years, and not with me.

RMJ--Enjoy each of every minute of these young years. I NEVER thought time would move so quickly. I also was a SAHM for the entire time my children were young. I did every school event, sporting event etc.
Now they are 24 and 26, Daughter is 26 graduated and working in another city. Son is 24 and still in college, as he played a sport so he began college a couple years later. He also is in another city (at least they are in the same city).
From previous posts of mine, of which there are many, my mother also passed away this summer. So I am truly in a state of empty nest.
So, enjoy your young children. When I was living it I never thought this far ahead, it seemed like forever.

I keep thinking of the good happy times I had with my daughter when she was younger, and it makes me so sad those times are gone. What I would do to do it all over again? I would do anything at all to have those times back.
Like Marian2 above, I never thought that far ahead. It's very sad, but we have to live in the moment now, not in the past.

I know Maria. I am just going through such a tough time.
I would also give anything to have everyone here under one roof. Maybe though I put too much emphasis on the children, they really were (are) my entire life. I think that’s why I am suffering so much now.

Here's what I suggest. Make a collage of those growing up years, make a little book of notes, and make time to ENJOY the memories!

Life as a mother is life-long, no matter how old the children are, you will worry, you will wonder, you will be.

It's so important to build your individual self at these milestone moments. Your children need to see their mom become 'her individual self'. It's one of the gifts of being a mom.

Make friends with other individuals. Make time to learn new things. Shed the tears, dry em up, and put on the natural smile and put one foot in front of the other!

It's not suffering, it's being caught up in the net of moments no longer happening.

You are not alone in this milestone challenge change. As a friend put it to me, it's 'retirement from daily child giving'.

Thank you Mid. Would you believe looking at happy photos makes me sad? How dumb is that. It's hard for me to look Because i have such turmoil in my life now (husband) my heart actually hurts to look at photos etc.
I know I need my own life. It's just hard right now.

When I am seeing everything in a really negative light, I try making a concerted effort to practice gratitude. Not just oh I’m grateful for such and such, but really pausing to notice things I’m grateful for, to express gratitude, to share gratitude. It helps me reset a bit so I can think about things with perspective and see things in a more philosophical light.

Google “practicing gratitude”. There is a lot of info on ways to incorporate it into your life.

As one door closes, another door opens.

I won't see the door which has opened while I am busy staring at the door which has closed. I let myself lean gently into my grief for the door which has closed while I work to find the doors which have opened.

Every ending is a new beginning. Stay brave as you write the new beginning.

Yes rmb, I am grateful for many things. I also thank God every day and I pray everyday for help with my anxiety and sadness.
I’m just lonely and sad about it. And I’m a worrier and overthink everything so the worry keeps me constantly consumed with my kids

And that’s true Arfie. This door that has opened has been hard on me in so many ways. So I get I have to get used to it.

Yes, those happy pictures make you feel sad. I am sharing with you that is 'normal' when you are learning to see yourself as 'you'.

It took me a bit to describe myself as me without mentioning I'm a 'mom' first. Hubs was thrilled when I went for an activity I had given up when I became a 'full-time working home mom'.

Now, when people ask me what I like to do, it depends on who is asking, where we are at, and whether or not I know them as to how I answer the question.

Take the time to cry, to be sad with those happy moments-and just as important, write it out in a private journal. I say private journal because I ended up editing a large portion of what I wanted to share in that moment in a letter.

It's finding the door view you are able to step into - some of them seem awkward, some seem unreal, and some are special due to the ordinary moment they reveal.

And now to complete my day I have my husband all depressed laying on the couch. This is all because of what I’ve written in the past about my son and the D1 sport he played and he transferred out and now is playing a lower level. (And he blames me for everything). So this day has gone from bad to worse.
And he said wasn’t like this before. He is moody and unbearable. So this is just such a huge part of my sadness and loneliness.

Marian are you enjoyable to be around? I’m not saying this as a slight but I just wonder if all this emotional heaviness you carry is contributing to some of the negativity in your household. Yes of course you are still mourning the loss of your mom and you are mourning your kids no longer being home but prior to that, were you happy? And I
realize your husband has his own issues. But it does seem like there’s this cauldron of depression and misery you both contribute to, with your unhappiness. and sadness and his unhappiness and resentment. It sounds like you are both so desperate for something to change but no one wants to go there.

There is that expression, the only way out is through. Sometimes you have to push through the sadness and fear to get to the good stuff. I hope you can make some changes for yourself when you are ready.

rmb. I hear what you’re saying because what I am writing makes it sound that way. I can get up In the morning and be attacked verbally by him first thing. As I’ve written before he will NEVER. get over this change his son has made. He made it clear and that he blames me. He calls me names and on and on. . When he does comes on a trip to see his kids or whatever he’d rather just stay in the hotel room. I believe he is the cause of my anxiety and unhappiness. He makes me very nervous. I just went to church and dread the fact that I have to go home. So as I’ve written before yes I have a decision to make. I have (and my kids) put up with a lot that would make anyone be unhappy.
You have to understand he blames me for all that is wrong. And he will talk normally one minute and nasty the next. But I know when he’s being “nice” it’s just because we have to coexist.

And I don’t let him see me upset or crying. Mainly because he doesn’t care. So I put on a front when around him

I’m not judging you and I know he’s terrible to you. And I hear you when you say he blames you for everything. I’m sure he does. Miserable human beings do that.

Ball is definitely in your court as to where you go from here.