I just hate everyone and everything. all I want to do is yell and scream and throw things and destroy everything. but I can't, most of the time, so that just stresses me out even more, and then it's like all I can do is eat, or go lay down or buy more crap to try and feel better, so as to not upset others, and I'm sick of it.
last night I went to the store cuz I had a coupon that was expiring, so I finally went. went to the self-checkout, and of course all the young cashiers were loudly annoyingly talking and laughing the whole time, practically yelling. it's like they all think they have to yell through their F*ing masks. but I tried to just ignore it. I usually wear earplugs at home, but of course it looks weird, and I went out before and forgot to take them out, til afterwards and then thought oh, I guess that's why ppl were staring and rude (even more than usual) lol. so I made sure to take them out before I left, thus everything seems louder. but I just try to ignore it. but if all the loud yelling cashiers weren't enough, then there was another one just standing there, with a stack of kit kat bars, just slamming them back and forth repeatedly. I wanted to say "really? do you mind? that's really annoying" but then of course I would have been the crazy one. but then, after trying to ignore all the noise and not get pissed off, but it just continued with the oblivious idiots that never seem to realize how annoying they are, I finally just got so pissed off and annoyed that I just started making as much noise as possible too!!! hey, it's a noise party, right!?!? we all looooove to make nooooiiiissssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I kept grabbing the plastic package of stuff and squishing it just to make noise and drown out theirs, until I got all my stuff bagged up and could leave. I raced out of there as fast as possible, making as much noise with my cart and then when I got to the end, slammed it into the wall repeatedly. (hey, we all love noise, right!?!?!?!? RIGHT!?!?!?!?) sometimes there's some annoying little twat that comes and follows me out and stands there so he can take the cart back (how nice, right!?) but not tonight. oh it would have been a treat for him. then head home, trying to relax. there's not much traffic, as usual these days, but I see a car down the street, going slow. of course I wonder if it's gonna come down there when it sees me...and of course it does, of course they have to speed up and pass me even though it's the narrowest part of the street, so I have to breathe their Fing gas. then I followed it, seeing if it was going to stop so I could spit on the ahole. nope, couldn't catch it. but it sat at a stop sign for a minute. oh, when they have the streets to themselves, they have all the time in the world, but as soon as they see a little girl on a bike they have to speed up and pass it so they have to breathe their gas. must just be another ahole that hates bikes. I should have ridden in the middle of the street and made the asshole sit behind me. oh well, the prick had a bunch of stickers on the back of his douchemobile, so i'll remember if I ever see it again.
anyway, then when I finally got home and calmed down a bit, then I made some food. I was going to have a hot dog, but while it was cooking I just had some bread and pb...lol. as usual. made some pasta salad, and wasn't even that hungry, but ended up eating half of it and felt like I was gonna throw up lol. I guess cuz when you have to keep tasting it to see if you need to add anything, well that's how you end up eating it all when you weren't even hungry, lol. see, that's why I don't cook anymore, lol. anyway, I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack, as usual, but was just trying to calm down and relax until the next day when I could go to the doctor if needed. well stuffing myself finally calmed me down I guess, as usual, and then tired so I just layed down. then this morning I got pissed off again by noise, and knowing I'd have to listen to it all day since *someone*'s home all day, and because it's been smoky out I can't really go out. so I finally got up and started slamming things and throwing things again. hey, why not? he blames everything on me anyway, all the "damage" is why he can never have the dumb landlord come over to fix anything, so why not just make some more damage so he can have more to blame me for? like the washer and dryer that broke years ago, so I never have clean clothes and am even more gross. he kept saying he was gonna do laundry for days, kept saying he was going sunday...well of course, he didn't. cuz he just likes to keep saying he's gonna do this or that, and never does it. and never seems to have the self awareness to realize that or how pathetic it is, nope, I'm just the one w/the problem again, for getting mad about it. when he doesn't work, so why the F#$% can't he go do laundry!?!?!?!? he could have had the landlord replace the washer and dryer or bought them himself, but nope. he says I should buy it. lol. so why not just make some more damage since theyre never gonna come over to fix anything and he's never gonna do anything either, all he does is sit on his ass on his F*ing computer all day, saying he has "so much to do" LOL, when he doesn't get paid for any of it of course, but he can also spend all day talking to my dumbass brother who calls him all day, who wants him to come up there and "help" him again, and he was supposed to leave weeks ago, but like usual can never get anything done (maybe it's cuz he spends all day on the phone?) and the dumbass doesn't seem to realize that hey, maybe IF YOU STOP CALLING HIM ALLLLLL DAYYYYYY EVERYYYYYY DAYYYYYYY HE COULD GET SOMETHING DONE AND GET HIS SH*T TOGETHER AND GET UP THERE!!!!!!
welp, still pissed off, so...guess I'll go eat some more.
Does overthinking lead to depression? What do you think? And why?
How do you know if you have both anxiety and depression? How do you deal with them? And what's the difference between them?