Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Background: well-functioning wife for 60 years, a house move turned into serious problems 8 places to live, severe depression, anxiety for my wife, now situated in a nice house, but she has bought little to furnish it. Depression and anxiety remain counseling and medication.
Thanksgiving has always been our holiday and we had sometimes 20+ people. We were planning on doing it this year and my wife seemed on board. My youngest son, a corporate executive who gives a lot of parties, has said we needed to get a dining room set and new couch and made a number of suggestions and offers to help. We looked, had a few we liked but my wife's sister had some negative comments and said we should evaluate the purpose and use a table and some folding chairs for the holiday.
Told my son today today, he thought that didn't sound good, then said some of the kids thought about it, and if we didn't have the furnishing and mom wasn't up to it and hadn't been able to plan we should have it at his house. (he lives 15 minutes away). My wife seemed devastated saying she couldn't do anything right. This was causing not alleviating stress for her. She seemed to be looking forward to the holiday with grandkids coming but as others point out, had not made plans. She had planned and arranged Thanksgiving for at least 25 years without a problem but this was before her illness.
I suggest we could expedite the dining room set purchase and return to our original plan. What do you think?
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
It's only 11 days away though. Best to check if you can have a dining room set and a new couch delivered and set up in 11 days. Some of these furniture stores have been slower with deliveries due to supply chain shortages.
Pardon me for saying this, but that seemed kind of rude that your son didn't want to come if there weren't the "proper furnishings".
Isn't Thanksgiving about family? Not about having the perfect furnishings?
Rant over.
Do what you and your wife want to do. My parents eventually stopped hosting Thanksgiving when it became too much for them to do and too overwhelming and too much family coming over. They told us they weren't going to host it anymore and we kids thought that was fine and understandable.
The comments made were similar to above. However, after the second Thanksgiving held separately, it became obvious that fewer people attended once it was no longer "an obligation to tradition".
The son's offer of doing Thanksgiving is a safe alternative to card tables, lack of seating, and a general issue for your wife is that she is NOT willing to take responsibility for making ANY decision.
We made arrangements to have dinner at her house in the late afternoon when she said she wanted to host dinner. Meanwhile, we made our own arrangements for dinner earlier in the day. Your wife's sister is 'negative' which allows your wife to let the decision slide.
It's a single meal. It's a single event. Tradition changes are necessary.
I suspect that there are lingering hard feelings on your wife's sister's part about furniture purchases, arrangements, and everything that shows your wife's lack of decision making ability.
For me, I'd remove it from the 'crisis' list and make arrangements to let someone take responsibility and let your wife keep on bouncing since that seems to work for her. (it's part of letting them take responsibility for their feelings)
the hardest part of my own husband's manipulations down this line is it held me to bygone standards with the constant insistence that it was sick of me to want to try anything new. sorry, hon, the 25 year old hottie you fell in love with is as gone as the poet who loved me just the way i was.
the good news is that as he has let go of manipulating me, i have been seeing glimpses of the poet i married. just glimpses. . . on the days he can overcome the corporate executive my young poet became, the old poet who is emerging is far wiser and more insightful that the 23 year old hottie **i** fell in love with.
but that is me with a bit of gossip over a different corporate executive.
again i ask
how are YOU?
I suspect it might be too much for your wife but I also think you both as a couple should do what you want to do. Or perhaps your son could have the big family thing at his house, but maybe you and your wife could do another smaller mini thanksgiving with just the two of you, to reinforce your partnership and gratitude for each other.
Your son and her sister need to accept your wife for who she is right now. There may never be a “perfect” well planned family get together again.
We used to do more formal family gatherings at my grandparents’ house when I was young. As they got older and the family got bigger, we did more pot luck, hang out in a cramped living room kind of gatherings. I have so many good memories of that kind of chaos. Your son needs to lighten up.
Thanks for that reminder.
Rmb, that's what happened in our case, it grew and grew and then people started just coming in, grabbing a plate 'to go', and it lost the appeal of getting together. For this family, though, this is the first of the holidays where past, present, and future are being seen in a different perspective. Remembering how ours went, this is one that may be saved with a lot of adjustment on everyone's part.
There are so many solutions in my mind.
I'm impressed with your ability to share and to be open about these challenges!
Round of applause and standing ovation!
He was playing in a state championship game, not playing that well, his coach came over and said you're playing like crap get your head out of your .a.... He played better and the team won the championship, and he's been impressive at dealing with tough, sometimes angry coaches. But the difficulty with anxiety is that yelling or anger usually don't help, I've found that out painfully. What will help can be hard to figure out but you have to remember the medical adage - first do no harm.
But I think everyone seems comfortable now. She's planning spaghetti and meatballs which should not be that hard, my son understands we're not getting extensive new furnishings, and we'll do the best we can with G-d's help. Thanks as always for everyone's help and have a nice holiday also. If nothing else the recent challenges make you realize you can take for granted some nice things in life like Thanksgiving .
1. Foot problems My wife said she has foot problems, pain, discomfort, burning. She walks slowly most of the time, except when she's in an active group and then gravitates towards the norm, will walk a brisk mile with my son and his wife. Her internist could not figure out what the problem and her good friend, a psychiatrist, said there is no physical issue.
Nonetheless I said let's deal with this, last Sunday, said up an appt for a foot message, reflexology place, she asks to change the time, then again, and then refuses to go in. Does not want to wear support socks. Seems unenthusiastic about a podiatrist.
Just lays in bed all day, and sure enough. with the depression and anxiety a little paranoia (what's that truck doing) pops up though fortunately that's not serious.
2. Her friend from our old neighborhood invited us for dinner with her husband who is disabled. My wife is saying maybe I'll go, but I can't get a clear answer, and that may mean 4 hours of give me a few minutes and cancel the last minute. It's hard and I when that happens, it's very frustrating.