I despise antidepressants. They have done nothing good for me. I know they help some people, but I am not one of them. I get strange side effects. I find it hard to breathe or take a deep breath. 40 mgs makes me not be able to walk to the kitchen without shortness of breath. Then I tried 20 mgs and I was ok for awhile, but Walmart changed manufacturers to save money and they chose a cheaper celexa with a different binding agent. These made me barely able to function and I could not breathe and had to go to the ER multiple times, till I figured out it was the celexa manufacturer. So now I have made an appointment with my psych guy to get me off the meds. only issue is I am responding horribly to the tapering and the withdrawal is hell. I have panic attacks multiple times a day for no triggered reason, except the withdrawal. Down to 10 mg now... I have to cut (using a pill cutter) a 40 mg pill into quarters because I have not found a pharmacy that has the manufacturer I can tolerate. Once I get off these drugs I am DONE with them. My psych guy is willing to give me 1 valium a day if I need it, so I save them up (meaning I don't take them unless I am in NEED or I just cannot get through the attack). I am trying to go with the flow of the attacks and let them run their course. Main issue I have now is the withdrawal attacks seem to last forever unlike normal panic attacks. I am staying positive, I will beat these poisonous medications. Hopefully my muscles will stop twitching and my lungs will let me take a deep breath again.

Now to vent LOL: VERY GRAPHIC, weak stomach don't read please.

What really annoys me is people like us have to deal with these annoying attacks and grind through our days suffering. Our accomplishments are so much harder than everyone else's. The average person gets to go to work and have a bad day. We get to grind through the day and end up curled in a ball shaking when we get home or are forced to drug ourselves. PTSD and panic attacks suck. Mine where caused by poor management and medical malpractice that I cannot sue for and prove. I didn't just wake up one day and break, I was pushed to the brink by insurance companies and employers. I was threatened that my employers would take away my medical insurance if i didn't show up to work while bleeding to death internally. (I now know this is illegal, but try proving they said that). I was robbed while at work. I was tortured by doctors misdiagnosing my genetic illness and they even performed procedures on me while I was sick without my permission and without pain meds. Then I almost died twice, both times the doctors were in the wrong. The first one sent my to jump rope and do physical therapy while I had a blood clot in my leg. Two pulmonary embolisms later I got to recover and pay some hospital bills. Then my large intestine self destructs from Ulcerative Colitis and I almost bleed to death internally, the docs take it out, BUT screw up the pain meds and I wake up after being disemboweled screaming, begging for help. I pass out from the pain and the docs lie to my face afterwards, telling me i was "dreaming it". I had the hospital pull the transcripts of the surgery and found out they were lying. I can't win a medical lawsuit unless they can prove long term damage and proving long term mental damage is very hard and expensive. So, I then have my small intestine rip through my abdominal wall because I sneezed !!! The intestine tied in a knot and they had to cut me open and untie it. Problem here is they messed up the pain meds again and I woke up screaming, It felt like someone was setting my insides on fire and clawing me down my chest with razor blades, I pass out again from the pain. Finally, I go home, from that issue, feel sick go back to the hospital and they think they missed something so they want to go back in again. They give me blood plasma since I am on blood thinners for blood clots, but they give it to me too fast and my throat swells closed and I cannot breath and begin to black out. All I remember as I was blacking out where doctors yelling, "Stay with us." and alarms going off. I regain consciousness and am able to breath again, got lucky a nurse was there and my friend noticed I was swelling up all over and turning red.

I relive this crap over and over in mind consciously and unconscionably I believe. I have lost most of my friends and I have lost my faith in most of the medical profession. I have made myself even more ill by not eating right and gaining massive amounts of weight. Being overweight means people take you less seriously and honestly really just blame you for being sick because it is easier for them to blame you. So I am blamed for illnesses I didn't cause and I am enraged at this. (all my illness are genetic, I rolled snake eyes when it came to health) I am tired of being blamed for being sick and not being understood by anyone.

In the end, I still have a better life than many people. There are people out there fighting cancer and trying to survive. There are sick kids that have never done anything wrong and never even had a chance. I try to be thankful for the good times I have had and the few but good friends I have made. I am just SO ANGRY all the time.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent, I just have to get this out, it is eating me alive.