I feel like I am about to throw up. 

The amount of anxiety I feel on a daily basis. I am nauseous. I am nonexistent. I am not here.  

I am exhausted. 

This is a stark contrast from where I was when summer ended. Before school started.

This isn’t normal. This is beyond anxiety. I shouldn’t have flight or flight response over what color to make my crochet bear’s fucking muzzle. Or the post it notes in my environmental science book. I shouldnt have mood swings cycling from extremely optimistic and excited to deeply angry and frustrated to bottomlessly tired and depressed to motivated and confident to dissociating to world’s end and anxious to the point of nausea in one day. In one day. This is so wrong. I’m dissociating too hard to even register I am movingn my own fingers. I’m dissociating too hard to even feel like my feelings are my own. 

I shouldn’t feel completely in control and happy and confident one moment and then go to this the next. I can’t trust myself like this. I can’t predict myself. I can’t plan for it or around it. 

I feel like crying and screaming then bleeding to death. I feel like leaking down a drain. I feel like staying silent and still and rotting away alive. 

But I have no idea what to do.