Thanks for sharing how you’re doing. My thoughts are that you are likely very critical of yourself, which is always going to cause major stress. Sometimes we need to take a step back and separate what is realistic from what is idealistic. Like you, I was never close to my dad growing up, and pretty much lived to please my mom. It took many years for me to understand that I need to take the path that brings me joy and peace, even if others don’t agree with it. Also, when you push too hard with any kind of work or academics, you will eventually get burned out. Basically, do what’s best for you right now and your mental health.

Hello Lylxs. Welcome to DS. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Is there any chance of checking back in to your old school? It sounds like you had a winning formula there. Falling from a 4.0 to struggling every day could explain those 6 or 7 daily panic attacks, all by itself.

Taking the easy way out seldom brings as much happiness as it seems in the daydream. Dropping out is a hard habit to break and doesn't make much of a life.

But it remains yours to sort. Gentle support while you sort. Welcome aboard.

Sadly I cannot join my old school as I ended up moving, I struggled with fighting and a lot of suspensions there, but I was always school smart, just impulsive. I've tried talking to my mother about enrolling me back into public school but she strongly disagrees and believes this is the better option for me. I might enroll myself when I become of age in my state, which is soon for me thankfully. I just don't want to disappoint her.

Me, too. I'm book smart with severe social anxiety and impulsive behavior in dealing with all those miscreant psychopations of social anxiety. It can be a rough combination. My book smarts don't help much until I learn how to manage my psychoweirds for each wave of the psycho nag flags. I'm still learning. It isn't an easy balance to achieve. Every case is unique, so I can't just model myself after Albert Einstein or rely solely on the tricks I learned in last go-round. Social anxiety is an endlessly creative psychoweird. Gots to find what works for me, up close and personal.

Keep venting, Lylxs. Your strictly personal answers are in there.

Listening. . .

I am not familiar.... what is a "private self taught school"? Do you go to a building, or are the courses mainly online?

If it is brick and mortar school, have you looked into any guidance counselor there? There always is one. Even a school nurse. Explain about your anxiety and your situation, and ask if they could help you in any way. Do you have a friend, there or outside of school... talking and venting always helps. And you can always vent to us... we are here.

How much longer do you have until graduation? It seems you are very close, and I would encourage you to stick with it... you are almost done.

LIfe has always been a tough ride for me, I was brought into an abusive step parent situation when I was 7, went to court from 8-13 and struggled with the fact of I will never have a father-son relationship. Still to this day I struggle with that, I know so little about my dad yet love him with all my heart, I wish I had the courage to see him and talk to him more, sadly I live out of state now. But as I got older, i've felt my relationship with my mother, who I am close to, start drifting away. She yells at me constantly, so I yell back, with the mindset of "I'll treat her how she treats me". It never works out that way though, I always feed terrible after yelling at her, or trying to tell how I feel about what she's said to me in a moment. I believe that's because she guilt trips me, saying "look at what I've done for you, how much I've bought and given you". Which don't get me wrong, I appreciate more than she'd ever know, but things aren't love. I need love from her, reassurance and comfort, even If I become aggravated and end up yelling, why should she yell back knowing it'll make the situation i'm going through worse, vise-versa.
Yesterday was the first time in my life I looked my mother in the face and told her I couldn't stand her, and the crazy part is, I meant some of it. I regret saying that knowing it probably hurts her, but I am just trying to improve our relationship the best way I know how, since i've never actually had a good one to look as an example.

Good vent, Lylxs. Getting stuff like that out in the open helps me figure out saner, healthier ways to deal with all the gnarly imperfections of life.

I'm 65 and still feel the sting of the unhealthy bonds between my parents and I, including the difficulty of forming adult relationships without healthy relationships to model from my childhood. The good news is that there are ways to compensate for that absence. Posts like this one are a good way to start. They don't fix anything by themselves but they help me understand the problems and figure out what to do about them. Repressing the problems only seems to make them worse. At worst, the sharing helps me feel like less of a freak-a-zoid for having such problems. It sucks feeling alone in the world.

Continued support while you sort. Still listening. . .

My step mom (my mother is currently a lesbian) talks me and listens, which is great, but takes sides easily, which I also understand. She supports me dropping out if that's the "adult decision you wanna make" but does give me a heads up as to "you will have to start paying rent, etc." which I am grateful for that since it would create more responsibility for me. However, I don't want to drop out because I'm lazy or ignorant. It's because I literally cannot read what is in the books my school gives me. Reading isn't the way I learn, and recently after years of having issues they finally told me I have "phonological dyslexia, rapid naming deficit dyslexia and dyscalculia" basically I can't pronounce words properly most of the time, I have a hard time understanding what I just read and I have difficulty with numbers. My teachers and family don't quite understand how it is for me, I explain to them that I can't understand what I'm reading and I need something to read it to me while I take notes, such as scanning the page and having a text to speech computer bot do it. But my school won't allow it. In the time it has taken me to respond to your message my mom has let me know that if I stay until December, and still don't like it, they will transfer me, which I am thankful for. Now I fear that it is not the school causing my unhappiness, but me. What if I change schools and this doesn't stop, It's like I have a disease that stops dopamine from getting sent to my brain, I find no interest in any activity currently, I used to, but have lost them all. I don't look forward to getting up in the mornings, the only thing I have to look forward to during the day it when I get tired enough to sleep. I know my life won't be like this forever, but I really hope that it gets better sooner and not later. It may be that i'm a 17 year old ancy teenager, but It's been waves of depression, loneliness and anxiety my whole remember-able life. I wish I was as smart, and as driven as I once was. I want a purpose in life, I know it's there I just have to find it somehow.

December will be here before you know it. Time goes by faster than we realize.

That is great that you want to make a better relationship with your Mom. Two people yelling will never get you anywhere however. When she yells, you be calm. Cool as a cucumber. Don't raise your voice, don't get mad, just nod your head or say something short in a calm manner. Don't let her think that she gets to you. Once the yelling stops for a moment, you can then say something constructive to her regarding what are the TWO of you going to do about the school situation. She already said December so.... maybe she would be okay with November? Etc, etc. But only talk with her about school when both of you are CALM.

And yes, being 17 is difficult sometimes. You are almost an adult legally, but not there just yet. And here's a secret.... your 20s will be awesome! Mine were, and everyone I personally know loved their 20s. You have a lot to look forward to in life! :) Hang in there.

Lylxs, you have a lot going on in your life and have good reasons for being upset. I am a retired college dean and for sure you need to graduate from a high school rather than a GED. Employers will see you have a GED and think you had some kind of behavior problem. Therefore, they may use that to disqualify you for a position. Online classes are much harder for everyone especially younger people. You can get rid of some of your frustrations by doing something physical like running, exercising, spending time doing something you love to do. Anything that you make, build or transform into something else. To do your current schoolwork, try doing some exercise for 10 minutes prior to class. If you are reading class materials, read for 15 minutes take a 5 minute break, read for 15 minutes, take a break and so on. The relationship with you mom, try to talk to her earlier in the morning before any mean words are said, say something like: "Mom I know we see thing differently and sometimes argue about it, I want you to know I do love you and appreciate everything you do for me." You are young and don't always know the right words to say. There are lots of little things you can do to show her you love her and appreciate her. Something as simple as doing the dishes is or sweeping the floor without being asked to, will make a difference. Once you start doing these things, everything should start to get better. You will always have something, it should not overwhelm you to the point you cannot function well.