the 5th week long thanksgiving visit with the maternal visit is drawing to a close. the same custody/visitation agreements have been in place for four of those visits. the yaddahs of the blahs have been stable enough for long enough that i have actually enjoyed the break from childcare demands and am sorta, kinda sad to see the break end. the doubts of the sadness are still shadowed by the angst of not being fully confident of what the children will bring back from vacation with them. resisting the urge to judge how other people live, there is no disputing that the maternal family's lifestyle is radically different from ours. may the children find the balance between the two branches of their family tree.

meanwhile, my strictly personals remain in a state of isolated paralysis. when i think of my own needs and desires, i still feel the call of the rivers and the aching loss of piloting my little ship of fools here in the dust bowl. sigh. . . lecturing myself about staring at the door which has closed rather than looking for the doors which are open.

yesterday's read from "courage to change" has been resonating loudly enough that i reviewed it this morning. it resonated even more loudly upon review. let's see if the resonation develops further for sharing. testing, 1, 2, 3. . .

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how often have i had a dream i longed to pursue, but quit before i started because it seemed too enormous a task to attempt? going back to school, moving, taking a trip, changing jobs, all these and many other goals can seem overwhelming at first.

therapy reminds me to "keep it simple." instead of approaching the task as a whole, i can simplify it by taking only one step at a time. i can gather information --and do nothing more. then, when i'm ready, i can take the project further. that takes some of the pressure off having to know all the answers and solve every problem that may arise before i've even begun.

i am also free to try something and then change my mind. i do not have to make a lifetime commitment before i even know whether or not my goal is desireable.

my plans may involve many actions and many risks, but i don't have to tackle them all today. i can take my time and move step by step at my own pace. by focusing on one thing at a time, the impossible becomes likely if i "keep it simple."

today's reminder

when i keep track of my inventory on a daily basis, i no longer have to fear that i will fall into that vague, hazy state in which denial so easily takes root. when i turn this inventory over to my higher power, i know that i am moving toward freedom.

a person should never be ashamed to own having been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that they are wiser today than yesterday ~alexander pope

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i'm still sighing nostalgically at the closed doors of my river dreams. the call to be here for my 3 orphans is a much stronger call than those wet dreams 700 miles northeast of here, but. . . sigh. . . life is bigger than those magnificient rivers. what doors are open right here in the dust bowl. no navigable rivers run through it but there are wonders awaiting my participation on every inch of this amazing planet on which we live.