Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
My wife developed severe anxiety and depression. Should there be consequences when that anxiety creates problems. We had a charity golf outing run by my son, it's a wonderful and fun event, with food, golf, and music. He asked her to come early and we were 3 hours late, first she wouldn't shower, then wouldn't get dressed, and I nagged, and nagged, then yelled. Finally came, i see her smiling with our 3 sons who came for the event and many friends, and had a great time.
Our son lives 4 hours away. The next day he said he could stop by. My wife then loses it, he can't come the house its a mess, it looks awful, I had spent an hour cleaning and we could do more. But she says no, no, finally relents, and they have a nice day. Dinner at one of her favorite restaurants is scheduled, she says she looks awful, has no clothes, we argue, please, come, please get ready, and again has a wonderful time and is smiling. We're coming home and she's happy as a lark. I'm quiet, what's the matter is something wrong she asks. Yeah, i don't want to keep arguing, this is difficult and stressful, I don't like it when you do this. We discuss what can be done, and she says she should stop acting like that, just go. She understands the issue in a calm moment.
I'm wondering if I can impose some consequences, maybe not come to bed, sleep in the other room, silent treatment. Talking and discussing doesn't seem to help, she's on medication, we're switching counselors for maybe the 4th time. Maybe a contract that sets forth expectations for both of us. Coming to things chronically late with a prolonged argument before is not my idea of fun, and I don't know how to undo this pattern.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
*make her sit in a corner and study time until she passes your timekeeping test.
*create "bad jenny* accounts on facebook, pinterst and tiktok so that you may more effectively gossip about her online.
Arfie I can appreciate your thoughts, but isn't she acting like a 5 year old. If you schedule dinner with another couple, you go, Calling this a timekeeping test trivializes my concerns for our dinner with another couple, they texted or called 3 times and suggested they were leaving if this wasn't a good time.
I do appreciate getting the perspective of people with anxiety, but do note what you feel and what people perceive are two different things. For example, they use the term Bridezilla but in some situations, its anxiety causing worry and erratic behavior.
the mitigating (i hope) facts in my response is that i am experiencing some gnarly flashbacks to my own near-divorce experience which are causing me to project like a beaten crazy bitch wolf. my strictly personal trauma does not justify my unkindness to others. please accept my apology.
at the risk of further coopting your thread
hubs and i are currently in the 3rd anniversary of the family tragedy which brought us back together in order to raise 3 young orphans. if he goes daddy hubs on me again, this little ship of fools is guaranteed to sink. methinks we are holding steady, though. the years in separate states seem to have worked magic. these days i like and trust the love of my life as much as i love him.
And I will think a little more about tough love, but not at critical events, maybe other times. Indeed, I thought of the contract or marital agreement as a way to clarify expectations, if you refuse to go when promised, this is what will happen. Do note that she did suffer from her actions, by not taking the 1st or 2nd house, we spent months at other people's home and in hotels, and candidly did not always receive the easiest treatment, and she was angry and disappointed at herself, but not enough to make a logical decision to choose a home.
For you, and only you, you're going to have to set boundaries for your well-being. In any type of care-giving, it is necessary to take care of you first.
Here's the thing about going to family events alone. It's part of life for a lot of people who are care givers. It's hard to do, when you do it, though, it forces the other person to reconsider their actions on their own. One of my cousins had not left the parents' house in four days, and after taking time out to visit with us in a neutral place, was very glad we did ask to just say hello.
Your wife is using her anxiety as a crutch. That's not healthy for her, and definitely not working for you.
Arfie's writing made me laugh (that's how crazy my thinking has been recently), because it shows the effect of releasing those feelings which are valid, however, not practical to apply in the moment. And, you letting her know that no apology is needed shows you're looking at this from a lot of different perspectives.
Whatever you choose to do, please know all of us are with you, here to provide you with support, encouragement, and understanding anxiety's effect on everyone.
in larger, strictly personal fact, i really am experiencing ptsd flashbacks to my near divorce experience and, as long as i am seeing my husband in your approach to managing your wife, i am not capable of the objectivity as i read your posts. however similar your approach, you are not my husband. the flashbacks are especially vicious because i do not see either one of us accomplishing our second parenting career on our own. we're feisty seniors, but we are still seniors. i will be 84 years old when i attend the high school graduation of the youngest. the idea of trying to get there as a single parent is terrifying.
through a suggestion from one of my peer supporters, i am reading your posts as exposure therapy and trying to process the herstory in relation to the current real time dynamics.
for what it's worth
i especially enjoyed the demotion to employee when my husband was using his corporate approach to managing problematic employees. it is still difficult for me to stay away from the endearing gossip one hears at the company water cooler for the woman who sleeps with the boss. my ptsd formed over the course of surviving child prostitution.
Accept fully this is where she is right now, full stop.
She’s unwell and punishing herself already by feeling bad about herself, her appearance etc.
Finally, I say it again, I can’t help but think you could benefit from seeing a counselor yourself to help you navigate this new normal.
It was a nice meeting, some friendly people there, she would have enjoyed it and had an opportunity to meet people in our community. Came back and she had many questions, so who was there, what did they discuss, did they have food? After a brief answer, I said the obvious, if you wanted to go, you should have gone, I've work to do. She goes to bed about 8, we talk about it briefly and I said she would have tried harder to get you to go, maybe she says, would you have gone, maybe, what should I have said, I don't know.
I overheard her say she's not the same person she used to be and that apparently with some self-image problems, caused her not to go. She asked what she should do to get better and I say the obvious: exercise more, make a list of things to do, see old friends, look to get better each day but as with many people, they ask for advice but aren't interested in following it.
I agree mb she is not well, but various professionals have been unsuccessful at resolving this and her best friend is a psychiatrist and even with her help, we're still back, and my wife is not doing helpful things to get herself better.