Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Just the usual I guess. Cousins came over today I wasn't really ready. Then found out my grandpa who lives in another state is coming up tomorrow and then my other cousin came over unexpectedly (at least to me).
Since grandpa is coming up I decided to make a pie. Just made one yesterday but I've been telling them I'd make something nice next time they come up. So I decided to try a new one I've never made. Lemon meringue pie. Well didn't go too good definitely not doing the meringue part bc I don't have the propper tools. So I'll just make whipped cream to put on top I guess.
I hate baking around people but all day the whole time I was doing everything my aunt or my cousins were constantly surrounding me being loud I really pushed myself. Now i am dealing with the outcome of that. I already want them to leave I am feeling restless. Anxious for tomorrow. I am pretty much on autopilot right now and when I am like this if any small inconvenience is thrown my way it's not good.
Usually I need to make a bunch of little plans throughout the day to do things it's how I stay on track. But when I'm overwhelmed that goes down the drain I can't do it anymore so I just try my best to go with it and hope nothing goes wrong. Nothing really went wrong except I think the pie is gross but I'm not too upset about it really. Just stressed because I will have to rush everything tomorrow for things to be done and I have absolutely no idea when he will get here.
Basically I'm just incredibly overwhelmed, trying to come off autopilot but that is very hard. I am scared and tired and I want to cry and kinda just explode. I don't want my house to be full of people I need a break. They are here almost every weekend and when they're not here my sister's friends are here or my sister is out and I have to watch her dog. When will I get an entire week of peace and quiet and not having to deal with other people's responsibilities? Probably never.
All of the stress is making intrusive thoughts bad. Not even calling them "scary thoughts" anymore. I feel that is an understatement. I'm too scared to even type them. I feel horrible for having them. I know it is not a reflection of myself I don't want to think this way. It feels like some sort of self sabotage. Always comes to me when I'm already doing bad and makes me feel even worse.
Someday I want to make a whole post about it. I am slowly starting to figure it out and make sense of it. Trying new things to cope with them. It feels scary that those kind of thoughts are just becoming a norm in the back of my mind.
It is weird, on good days I'll be like why would I even believe I would do that/that thing would happen. I know better than that there's nothing to be scared of. But on bad days it slowly starts to consume me til I am scared of myself and don't trust myself.
Trying to just understand that I always control myself. It is probably unlikely that I'll just completely lose it and have no control. It's hard to get that into my head though. Its hard to believe.
It is 2am idk when I will get to sleep. I took a nap earlier which was stupid because it always makes me feel worse. In the moment of falling asleep it feels very safe and nice though. I think this is my longest post yet guys. Sorry for the big wall of text just wanted to get it out. Hope you're all having a good day/night.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
Keep your eye on your progress. When I'm trapped on yet another round of the not-so-merry-go-round, it helps me to remember how far I've come. Progress over perfection.
For what it's worth
In my own battle with my control freakitis, I had to admit I am often powerless to control my own emotional reactions, as well. If my control freakitis had its way, I wouldn't have ANY of those messy, illogical human emotions. Those are for lesser beings. . . Sigh. . . Am I perfect yet?
Part of the reason writing it out helps to release the words is because it gives you a moment to pause about the things that remain the same, no matter what else is happening.
Keep writing it out. Using a private journal to go sentence by sentence will give you the pattern of your thoughts to help you 'do' the anxiety in a way that works for your well-being.
You could be right about not having a whole week of peace and no one coming over. This might get you motivated toward getting the things together to move out to your own place. There, you will have all the peace and quiet you want.
hang in there, froggy.