I fell into the category of essential when my state was “shutdown”. At first I was ok with it thinking that there would only be customers who “need” to be in the store but to my unfortunate surprise, there were loads of people coming in and browsing. It spiked my anxiousness to a whole other level. I realized then that crowds and heavy customer-traffic was my kryptonite. The following day driving into work I had a massive anxiety attack. When it happened I didn’t know it was an anxiety attack. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. My heat was racing, it was very hard to breathe, I lost feeling in my arms and legs, I felt dizzy and on the verge of throwing up, my body went cold but I was sweating profusely. It took several minutes to pass and once it did I had a migraine that left me in bed the rest of the day. It happened once more before I decided to talk to my doctor. He prescribed Lorazepam and removed me from work for a couple of months as the anxieties had raised my blood pressure to concerning numbers I never had before. Lorazepam did not do so well with me. I’d only take half at a time but even at that I’d get extremely tired and foggy-minded; not a good idea when you have two kids needing attention. 

While on TDI, I would help my employer as much as possible from home with answering emails and doing online certification courses that the staff no longer had time to do. Before returning to work I talked to my boss and office manager about my anxieties and they had made a plan to make me a simple work station upstairs (away from crowds) where I’d just focus on receiving, invoices, and phone calls. I was overjoyed. The plan was perfect. I really wanted to help the company and be back at work without experiencing crippling anxiety attacks. 

My first day back and there was no upstairs workspace. Instead I’m put on a computer, on the sales floor, theres a lattice partition with a blanket draped over between me and the customers. The customer wait line starts just a few feet away from this very computer. I couldn’t figure out if they were messing with me or genuinely trying to help. The make shift partition didn’t help my anxieties. I could hear the traffic of people and some customers would actually call out my name trying to get me to step out and help them. So many people, both coworkers and customers wanted to talk to me about my mental issues. I wasn’t ready to talk openly about it to those who didn’t need to know. I was embarrassed by my anxieties and hated the judgment of those who thought “it’s all about having a strong-mind”. I began to see the lattice wall as an invite for people to question it and talk about it. As if I were wearing a sign that says “Hey look, I’m different, come ask me about it” I was feeling really down about myself and the situation. I've come to realize that I was no longer the problem-fixer at work but I was the problem itself. I was being treated differently by almost everyone in the company. My boss and I were once close but even he would make comments that would make me feel horrible. It wasn’t long before I start having anxiety attacks at work. 

I went back to my doctor in search of something that I could take daily to calm my nerves without the side effects of lorazepam. On top of anxiety, he had diagnosed me as clinically depressed and put me on Celexa which supposedly takes a few weeks to become effective. He also prescribed meds for hypertension and removed me from work a second time. He had referred me to a therapist but as much as I wanted to attend the sessions, I couldn’t afford it. TDI takes a long time to process and it’s only a portion of your regular income. By the time you get it you’re playing catch up with bills.

It did take a few weeks but I started to feel like Celexa was making a difference. I found myself in a better mind space. Crowds still make me  wet nervous but not as intense as before. I used breathing techniques I learned through YouTube to help with tasks such as grocery shopping which I couldn’t bring myself to do before Celexa started working. Though it did give me stomach aches in the beginning and I still deal with the symptom of excessive sweating, it is very minor symptoms as compared to feeling extreme anxiousness and depression all the time. 

I went to see my doctor once more to talk about returning to work gradually so that I could gauge myself while being back in my work environment but found out that he had a serious health condition and was retiring. The office staff had made a return to work note for the end of the year which is also the day he officially closed his office. They also refilled my prescriptions long enough so that I had time to find a new doctor. I don’t know if it’s just my town but it was super hard to find a new doctor. I finally found one that was accepting new patients but my initial visit isn’t until next week. I had it scheduled from the end of December. 

At this point in time, I’m feeling a little excited. I’m approaching a New year; I’m feeling better and being back at work would mean I could afford seeing a therapist about my anxiety. I decide to submit my doctors note to my employer and try to talk to them about working a part time schedule until I get acclimated back to full time hours. My main goal was to start slow and avoid feeling overwhelmed which more often than not, leads to having anxiety attacks. The office manager outright refused to accommodate my request. She said that if I couldn’t work the full time schedule then they would have to let me go because they “hung on to me long enough”. She said to take a couple of days to think about it but she had called me less than 2 hours later to tell me that I’ve been “let go”. 

I went from being excited and optimistic to feeling anxious and depressed all over again. Ive been applying around like crazy, managed to get a phone interview, but no luck so far. The jobs that I have a fighting chance for are all customer-focused so if it’s not part time, I make sure to mention that I need a day off midweek to decompress. I filed for unemployment and when I finally got to do a phone interview she asked why I wasn’t available on Wednesdays. I told her about the anxiety but she acted like that wasn’t a good enough reason. I mentioned that I’m also at home with my two kids on Wednesday which is true as I didn’t prearrange for a babysitter for the very reason that I’m asking potential employers for that one day off. Couple days later I get a denial letter from the unemployment office that I don’t qualify because I don’t have childcare. 

I’m so very sorry for long story but I feel like I’m at an all time low. I can’t sleep, I’m worried about my kids, the house, my car. Anxiety turned my life completely upside down and I’m struggling to get it right side up again. Any advice is greatly appreciated.