Hey all. So i've struggled with anxiety for the greater part of 5 years. I was intially diagnosed with depression and anxiety then the depression diagnosis was turned into bi polar, then borderline personality, then back to depression and emotion intolerance due to my childhood. Throughout the 5 years, the only thing that didn't change was the anxiety diagnosis. About a year and a half ago, my anxiety got super bad, and with that came serious suicidal thoughts. So i had multiple admissions to the crisis centre, so many trips to the ER, several week long stays at the psychiatric hospital, and one serious suicide attempt. And then by last September (2018), things got better. I missed way less work and school, no more stays in the hospital or crisis centre. I have been seeing a mental health worker for the last 5 years, i've changed workers several times, so many medication changes. But things seemed to have stabalized. 

My friends and family started being able to relax, and i noticed how fatigued they were from all the drama. In fights, my mom will bring up all the time she 'had to' spend in the ER with me, trying to get me help. So whenever i do anything she doens't like, this gets brought up. Anytime i'm really sick or anything, i usually get no concern, to the point where last week i had severe side pain, due to issuers with my spleen, and i had to drive myself because no one wanted to drive me and no one really checked in throughout my visit. I've noticed a lot of my friends pulling away as well. I get it, it was a lot to handle, but there goes my entire support system really.

Anyways, the last few months, i've noticed my anxiety climb, but have kept it to myself, bringing it up to my mental health worker who claims it is normal considering the stress of my life. I have a stressful full time career in human services, and am also a full time student trying to finish my degree in disabilities studies. I also have always had family drama, although my family has gotten more crazy. But anyways, i started having panic attack several months ago, so i attributed it to that. I was in denial, and was like i am handling the stress well because i haven't had a meltdown. But that's not a healthy way to gage my anxiety levels. My depression has gotten quite worst. I've been struggling with addictions issues i thought i put to rest years ago. I have two months off in summer for carpel tunnel surgery, so i keep pushing myself, once i make it to there, it'll get easier i tell myself. But my life is falling apart. I recently got an oppurtunity at work to prove myself to my bosses, and i did great. I was so proud because my work has been great throughout all these struggles, but my boss is more careful because she doesnt want to overwhelm, which is nice but i wanted to prove i was better, someone who can be dependant on again. But then, there was a recent event at work where a staff found a paper i wrote my notes to let my boss know what happened when she was on vacation, and many of co-worker feel that i was spying on them, even though i was in charge so it makes sense for me to report what happen those weeks. So work in tense at the moment, and my manager thinks it's not as bad as it actually is. 

So basically, my life is falling apart and i feel like im in a canoe with a hole in it and i keep bailing out water but the hole is getting bigger and bigger. And i have no one to turn to, everyone is tired of dealing with me and im tired of being that friend. And i don't want work to think i'm not dependable. So i am turning to you guys. Who have always been so helpful. What do i do?