I could have paid off AT LEAST one of my loans by now with all of the unsuccessful treatment I had to go through before I found the right therapy and medication. I have lived, and I have learned, and I continue to do both :)

Do you have any hobbies/skillsets that would allow you to freelance or work for yourself in some aspect? Jobs with pets, cooking, writing/proofreading, libaray work or somewhere you do not necessarily have to be in constant contact with others to complete the task? I don't know what your skills are so I am not sure what else to suggest but this is a start.

I read your profile summary and, while I don't know what jobs you had in the past, I have to say that being a 911 dispatcher would make my anxiety skyrocket as well. That's an intense job to have and I applaud you for sticking it out as long as you did being an anxiety sufferer.

Also, have you considered finding other outlets for support. I have learned that it's very hard for those who have never experienced major, debilitating anxiety to understand it. They become easily exhausted hearing about it and, while I understand their position, I sometimes find myself disappointed that they cannot understand mine. Are there meetups or other support groups you can rely on to take some of the emotional stress off of your family and friends?

Good luck!

Why do you think you have an anxiety disorder? You say you have had this for 26 years and have done the whole self education and support groups and therapy and meds thing. What conclusion have you drawn that explains to you why anxiety has such a strong hold over you and prevents you from living the life you want? I think you have to start there because you can't begin to move forward until you know where you are coming from. Anxiety recovery, for me anyway, took a plan. A long term, well thought out plan. I couldn't have done it if I didn't have a clear path to follow and know how I got where I was in the first place.

Oh, and about the jobs thing...I don't think a panic attack proof job exists. Panic attacks come from within. Some people start panicking when things are too calm. Other times they will panic when they are too stressed. If a person is prone to panicking and freaking out, they can subconsciously find a reason to do so anytime, anywhere. The key is to accept that and not revolve your life around trying to avoid it. Every time you bring avoidance into your life, you are digging your hole a little bit deeper and making it that much harder to climb out of.

Lilygirl, thanks for your input. I dont think I have an anxiety disorder I know I do. My doctor told me so 26 years ago and still does. This is why I quit posting on here a while back because people act like this. I dont mind people be blunt and telling the truth but for you to question if I have anxiety??? That is wrong of you.

Cls, you misunderstood my post. I wasn't asking you whether you REALLY had an anxiety disorder. I was asking you WHY you think you have an anxiety disorder. I was asking you what you think the cause of your anxiety disorder is so that you could then try to work on making a treatment plan that works best for you.
For the record, I think it is extremely obvious that you have an anxiety disorder.
I am sorry that you think I am one of "those" people, but all I was trying to do was help you. I don't come to this board to help myself...I come here mainly to help other people. Yes I can be blunt, and yes I tell people what I think they need to hear but I am never rude and I never belittle people. You should know that about me before you judge the kind of person that I am.

I have been dealing with depression/anxiety from PMDD for years now. I don't want to assume I know what you are going through, because everyone's perceptions and reactions are their own. Think about the fact that you are your own special person. I know it is hard but, realize that other people's view of you does not define you. Acceptance from others is a great thing, but not essential. Realize that you are you: good, bad or otherwise. You are not defined by your anxiety. I have found in my journey that acceptance of my issues with dep/anx and PMDD help. I am not my anxiety, I am someone who is affected by it, and doing the best I can, but I am much more than this problem.

I am sure I am not stating anything you haven't heard from your years with experiences with this issue, but I just want to put out some support to you as well as understanding and empathy.


I found this quote on HELPGUIDE.org - http://www.helpguide.org/mental/generalized_anxiety_disorder.htm

"Accept the anxiety. Welcome it. Dont fight it. Replace your rejection, anger, and hatred of it with acceptance. By resisting, youre prolonging the unpleasantness of it. Instead, flow with it. Dont make it responsible for how you think, feel, and act."

Peace and Love
M

I think Lilygirl has a good point about trying to understand where your anxiety originated. This is a process I have just started with my therapist after almost 20 years of off and on anxiety. Every time I have had an anxious period in the past I have tried to deal with the immediate stressor, and that has always worked for a while, but each time my anxiety crops up it seems to get worse and more debilitating. I am determined to do what it takes to get through it this time because, like you, I want to be able to work, go to school and do normal human things. Good luck!

Lilygirl, sorry if I misunderstood what you said but that was how I took it. I never said you were rude. I really dont know what to say at this point because I am upset and really tired of living this way. I do thank you for your honesty and so happy for you and everyone that can overcome their problems with anxiety and panic attacks. The problem is there is people that still struggle everyday just to get out of bed or to do little normal things that others do. I am one of those people. How do think that makes a person feel when they have tried everything they could possibly think of and done everything the doctors have told you to do and still no progress? It hurts very bad to feel this way and I would give up everything I had just to be normal and not have this. I have had many case plans and never worked or I guess you could say never been able to complete because I am still here dealing with it. The thing that bothers me most is the anxiety will just appear out of no where and for no reason. How do you explain that? My doctors always said keep a diary of what you do, what you eat and what you were doing when these attacks come on. Did that. Still no end results on how to treat me. Sometimes I really think there is no hope for some of us and that is just me being honest. I know a lot of people get on here to support each other but really if they are like me how can I support anyone when I see no end to this and if I tried to tell them it will get better I feel like I would be lying to them. Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I will continue to look for the answers I have not found yet.

When you were at the point of your life where you were working the hardest to get your life back, what were the things you were doing?

I could list right now the 10-12 different things I did to get my life back. Very clear, precise things that I zeroed in on and committed myself to that absolutely helped me beat my anxiety. Well as much as any of us can "beat" it.

You say you have tried meds and that you couldn't live without them, but obviously that isn't the whole answer for you because you are still miserable. So what else have you done in conjunction with your meds to change this around and get back to who you were? Was there anything that you committed to and stuck with every single day? Was there any advice you got from the books or from your therapist that you stuck with no matter how boring or how frustrating or uncomfortable it got? I am really interested to know the things that you have tried and why you tried them and why they didn't help.

I'm not going to lie. I don't have my life back because I am smarter than other people on this board. I didn't get my life back because I have all the answers or because I am better than anybody else or mentally stronger than anybody else. The truth is that I am a very scared person. I live every day of my life in fear. It is something I struggle with every day and I will until the day I die. But the reason I got my life back is because I am very stubborn. If there is something I want, I don't give up no matter how long it takes. I don't allow myself to feel bad about myself.....I don't complain...I don't underestimate myself...and I don't tell myself I am weak. Because I may be the biggest coward in the world, but i am not weak and I am not helpless.
And it was that attitude that got me through it. I went through HELL. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through but I did it.


I don't know what the last 26 years have been like for you. Maybe you are just as stubborn and determined as I am. Maybe you have tried everything in the world and exhausted yourself trying to change the way you think and react and look at life. Maybe you have a total understanding of what it is that makes you have anxiety. Maybe you have spent hours a day doing relaxation exercises and meditations and affirmations. Maybe you have eliminated "what if" thinking..maybe you have completely reversed whatever negative outlook on life you have had......maybe you have tried all the meds your doctors have suggested and yet you STILL have problems with anxiety.

And if that is the case then I am very sorry for you because I understand why you would feel lost and helpless and like life has no joy for you anymore, and I would wish I could help you, but what more could I, or anybody here, possibly suggest for you? And that really does make me feel for you. I can't imagine how much that would hurt.

But if that is NOT the case, and you have not tried everything under the sun to make your life better, then I would dig deep and look for that determination and strength and that stubborn attitude that you need to beat this. I would stop focusing on what other people think. I would stop being defensive. And I would keep searching and searching until I found something that helped. And I wouldn't stop learning or trying until there was nothing left to learn or try until the day I died. You have to be willing to make how bad you feel, come in second to how badly you want to get better. You must only focus on your goal and everything you think and do has to push you closer to that goal, not take you away from it. And you have to be willing to allow yourself to become comfortable with the idea of being terrified. Do you know why I don't have panic attacks anymore? Because I am not scared of being scared. It took me a long time to get there, but I got there. You could tell me I was going to have the worst panic attack in the world in 5 minutes, and I just don't care. Because I know I would panic and freak out and then it would end and I would be myself again. You have to walk through the fear you feel to get to that point.

But again, maybe you have done all of these things or at least tried the very best you can and you just can't get there. Only YOU know how much effort you have put into this. Only YOU know if you have truly done all you can and if you really have no strength or determination in you to try any more.

I just wanted to give you another way to look at all of this and maybe change your perspective a bit because sometimes a slight shift in thinking is all it takes to get the ball rolling on the right path.

Lots of luck to you.

And just so you know, I wouldn't be a dispatcher for all the money in the world. My husband is a firefighter and I know what the dispatchers do, and I think you were unbelievably brave to even try. I wouldn't even have filled out the job application....lol.

Oh my, that was long....sorry.

Lilygirl, thank you very much!!! Sometimes I need a good wake up call. I do feel like I have tried everything and feel so tired and feels so easy to just give up right now but I have a husband I love very much and dont want to lose because of this. I am a stubborn person as well and thought that I had done everything so why try anything else. I have done CBT with my doctors. I have learned coping tools to use when I am having panic attacks. My panic attacks are not as long as they used to be until just recently. Mainly at night. The medicines I hate but if I dont take something I am worse than I am now. I get very angry at times because I suffer from this. I think why me? What did I do to deserve this? I have let it bother me about what people think of me. Maybe I have spent too much time on worrying about what they think of me? The most important thing I really want to be able to do is work. I have to find a way to do that without letting my panic attacks interfer with my job. I just never tell people at work about them because I am affraid they will not hire me or get rid of me when I start having them. I guess that is why I quit before they can fire me. Thank you again for the wake up call. I am a fighter but lately I feel like I have lost the fight. Thanks for the support :) I worry every day also and I am usually scared all the time.

That's true about panic hitting you wherever..whenever....(no matter the job) I actually have panic attacks when I get to happy and excited..now ain't that a kick in the head. :\

Do you financially have to work? Just curious. If you don't, I have some advice. If you do, the advice about the positives of not working won't help and I will go a different direction.

(I HATE THIS WORLD OF ANXIETY as everyone else does. -sigh-)

Yea I really do need to work. That is funny because I have been happy and had panic attacks. Go figure lol

I am new here.. this is my first post. I want to say good luck and glad to hear you are still willing to try to go forward and keep trying. I struggle with anxiety just like everyone else here. I don't have the answers and am currently working with meds. and a therapist. I am finding some success. But, I know that trying to get back to "normal" might be a set up.. normal changes, things don't stay the same. In acceptance there is peace... anxiety is something about me it's not who I am.

I too have had panic attacks when I am excited and happy... sometimes during my daughters softball games. The body's reaction to good stress and bad stress is the same. That's why the attacks can happen in excited moments.

I am sure you have done this already but it helped me to understand my nervous system (sympathetic and para sympathetic) and the "fight or flight" response. It takes a long time to come down when you peak and then it's easier and easier to peak.

Good Luck and thank you for being brave enough to share your story so we can all feel connected.