I feel like I'm gonna sound super weird for saying this, but for as long as I can imagine, I've had an intense and extreme anxiety surrounding personal religion and spirituality. I guess another more specific way of saying this is that all my life I've been afraid of God. The fear I've lived with I suppose would be considered unnatural by most; maybe even bording on paranoia actually.

I don't know why, but the idea of an omnipotent and omnipresent being that can read thoughts and speaks cryptically continues to scare the crap out of me no matter how anyone tries to frame it as benevolent. It always sounds terrifying and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. To this day, I cannot even fathom the idea of being vulnerable/emotionally intimate to such a being. Whenever I think about how the Bible talks about the importance of being vulnerable with God, I cry because it scares me so much. I don't even understand how (or honestly believe) such a entity is considered to be loving. It sounds threatening and ominous to me. When other people try to tell me about "God's love and mercy" it does nothing but confuse and scare me. Maybe I am just paranoid and stupid, idk.

I grew up in a Christian household and I have never been able to admit to my parents about my true feelings. The reason why was fear of how they would respond, especially in the case of my now-deceased dad. I think my parents meant well when they tried to raise me up as a believer, but in the end I feel like it made my fear even worse. My parents devoutness made me afraid of mentioning any and all doubts and fears I had about religion or God to not just them, but to anyone. My dad would turn any issue I faced (like low self esteem or depression/anxiety) into a lecture about me not trusting God or saying God makes mistakes. He would get angry with me because I showed signs that praying or hearing prayer makes me very uncomfortable. So much so that I would plug my ears as subtly as possible whenever I'd hear someone say a long prayer.

Because of this, I've always believed that I was a "bad Chistian" my whole life (if I even consider myself one at all). Overall, I dont know where I stand on the issue anymore, but I feel shame nonetheless. I feel like a disappointment to both my dad and to God, yet simultaneously I figure why bother at all since I don't consider myself to be religous anyway. On a side note, I'm also somewhat afraid of starting a serious relationship/marrying someone who I love deeply but is a saved Christian only because I fear that my feelings would drive them away. To make things sound even weirder, I actually want a significant other who may not be on the same level of religous as my dad, but is still someone of the Christian faith. Again, I know this sounds confusing and contradictory but I'm being honest :/