Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Hello all,
I just need some advice. I struggle with communication. I don't know how to make small talk. Speaking with people one-on-one is painful. Speaking in a group of 3 is tough. Speaking in a group of 4 or more though is impossible. I feel that I can't be successful in my career or happy in my personal life until I outgrow this fear.
For example: Yesterday my neighbor came outside to talk. We were just making small talk, but immediately I get a feeling of anxiety and begin looking for an excuse to escape the conversation, while I think she just wanted to interact with something other than a cat. When I try to make small talk, instead of thinking about what I can say, I think about all the ways that person could be judging me. So my mind goes blank except for me thinking about how I look, sound, appear to this other person. And that's just one-on-one.
When I'm in a group of three, I feel like I'm the outcast. Like even if these people don't know each other, I'm just automatically the odd one out. I get quiet, but I can still manage a conversation between myself and two others, although it might be awkward. My main thought is, "If I say something stupid, or look ugly, not only will these people judge me for it, but then AFTER the conversation they will get together and talk about me".
My job requires me to attend a lot of big meetings. Almost daily, and sometimes multiple times a day, I am expected to participate in or even lead meetings. And it's becoming more and more humiliating. For some reason, I cannot manage being in a conversation with 4 or more people. I will not offer information unless called upon. And even then, even when I am basically reading from a script, I stumble over my words. If I have to explain something further than what is written, I feel myself shut down, and I often look to another meeting participant so that they can jump in with the information. Then I'm thinking, "If I say something stupid, this whole group of people is going to remember and talk about it afterwards!"
I have never volunteered to answer a question in any class. I've never raised my hand. I've always been shy, in elementary school and in middle school I never spoke. In high school my loneliness caused me to seek out attention from the wrong crowds. In college I barely contributed to group projects in anyway.
I have no friends. None. My coworkers don't invite me out to lunch with them. In fact, they exclude me. I have a husband and kids. My husband is offering to let me stay home with the baby, which of course for me would be the best way to escape from my problems. But that would just make things worse.
Being home for the past two months due to the stay-at-home orders has made me realize how much this behavior is hurting me though. I am SO lonely. But I struggle with initiating conversations and I won't reach out to anyone because I feel like I'll be interrupting their lives. That I'm not worth anybody's time.
Please, if you have experienced something similar, or have advice, please share.
Thank you all for reading.
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I haven't written in my diary on my computer since May because I thought that my computer was dying. I got away from writing but my computer is hanging in there. I think that I will start writing in it again. It's so therapeutic.
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Years ago, I won a mirrored armoire from my job. It's in my bedroom but I rarely stand in front of it. Yesterday, I had to have a dexascan done so I had to change into a gown. There was a full length mirror in the changing room. I'm aware that I gained 5 to 7 pounds over the last year from cheating on Keto but I didn't know what it looked like. It was a reality check.
If you dont already see a therapist i strongly sugguest seeking one out to help you try improve in both areas. Soon as ur self esteem improves your anxietys will too. Hope u feel bit better soon.
I believe I only go through bouts of extreme social anxiety, but several of my therapy supporters argue that my "Lone Wolf" tendencies are extreme social anxiety in denial. Yo. . . Dissenters. . . Can you properly social distance now?
Whatever the evers of that argument, when I am in the mood to do something about ^it^, I use exposure therapy by making myself approach people with *safe* questions. Do you know where I can find _____? Excuse me, do you know what time it is?
In addition, I participate in anonymous support groups, such as the very forum in which we are speaking. The anonymity helps allot in feeling safe to open up and reveal my secret self more comfortably.
Every case is unique. Gentle support while you find what works for you. Welcome aboard.
I do have the same issue that you have about the social awkwardness. I am in OT school so we have to do a lot of group activities and lead groups which is so hard to do when your anxiety always gets the best of you and you constantly feel judged.
I learned to challenge myself to take baby-steps outside of my comfort zone then later figured my own goals to be more successful.
You won't be able to achieve unless you think you can!
Positive Self-talk/ writing is one of the most powerful things and may help you like it does with me. Do not forget that you are a very brave person and we are all here for you.
You've taken the important first step towards a new healthy balance with communication.
Challenge your fear every chance you get.
You are responsible for what you say, do, react, and how you respond. You are NOT responsible for what others say, do, react, and respond.
Anxiety is natural. It is a part of you. You are stronger than the fear. The reality is less than the fear.
Best wishes and communicate, even with just a smile and general words. Practice feeling confidence in front of mirror until you can feel your shoulders relaxing, your muscles in your face relaxing, and use this to calm yourself in moments of communication.
I can feel the pain you are in because I used to have it, in many ways. I was working in a Training department where I ended up having to speak in front of people/groups... and I was petrified... My boss recommended Toastmasters... it really helped a lot - at least initially, but I was in a very competitive work environment, and the anxiety I felt whenever I had to get up and speak was so painful I would be up the nights before, anticipating it. The people I worked with were all very confident, and didn't really understand the fears I was experiencing. I think it just took time for me to realize that I was okay, and that I didn't need everyone's approval. Something like this, for me, was very deep-rooted, and I still from time to time suffer from it. You are a beautiful woman, and I'm sure very competent in your job. Please keep telling yourself that . . over and over... and take baby steps.. People really don't care if you make a mistake... that way if they do, they will feel more comfortable. lol I think you know what I mean. I don't know if this helped or not, but when I read your post, I was very familiar with the pain you feel. Take care, I just joined this group, so maybe we can continue to communicate.
-People like to talk about themselves, so you're giving them an opportunity to do something they enjoy and will probably look upon you positively for allowing them to speak.
-While the other person is answering the question you have time to think about the next question or something to say. Takes the pressure off you.
-It is often easier to add on to the person's response than to come-up with a new topic.
As example, "Hi Susan, good to see you, how's your cat"
Susan, "Blah blah blah ... cat's name, blah blah"
You, "That's nice, how old is your cat"
Susan, "Blah blah, cat's name, blah"
You, "I once had a dog so I can relate"
Susan, "Oh so did I, blah blah ..."
It becomes easy to have a long conversation with someone this way. It can decrease your anxiety since you're not on the spot. I've had very interesting, hour long conversations by just asking someone questions.
Sorry about the blah, blah. I was just trying to add some levity to the conversation. I hope this helps a bit.
Do you think this may help?
Thank you so much for sharing your story and I wan't to comfort you that you are not alone and you are not weird and you are definitely not less than anyone else on this planet. You are different and different is beautiful.
I have dealt with this problem since I was 14. Always worry how I look or how people see me or if the thing I said was smart enough, all the time I have these racing questions and facts in my head.
These days it gets bad when I'm around my boyfriends friends and family. I'm so afraid that they don't like me and think I'm weird, even though I have absolutely no reason to think that! But I'm just so insecure. When we hang out with groups I usually automatically shut down. I feel like I have nothing good to add to the conversation, I'm not cool enough, not beautiful enough to fit their attractive group and so on. These negative thoughts are just shouting at me every time I find myself hanging with people that are important to my boyfriend. The thoughts get usually so loud that after hanging out I just feel emotionally so drained, so tired and sad. I sometimes think that I shut down in crowd conversations because my negative thoughts are louder than my own voice. It's definitely a battle.
I don't know your back round, so I can't tell why you are experiencing this, but I can share my story and maybe it somewhat will relate to yours.
I've done so much research of why I am the way I am. I had to reconnect with my inner child and do some heavy soul searching.
I've always been criticized growing up by my family. The grades weren't good enough, I didn't make my bed well enough, I'm not kind enough, I'm selfish, I will never learn to love. And thats where my sufferings had a start and I'm carrying them with me for 16 years now. It has been extremely hard, but there was a point where i said to myself : "I can't let this evil voice in my head stop me from enjoying this beautiful world"
I learned (and still continue learning) to love myself for being different. I forgave myself and started taking care of myself. I connected more with nature, I surround myself with people that I only feel comfortable with and I started being honest and open about my issues to my boyfriend.
In stead of having the thoughts like I'm not good enough, I turned them into: you are different and it's OK. And you know what, I realized that people get curious and very interested about why we are quiet and different, so the people who show interest and you get one on one with them, just open up. Tell them how you actually feel, tell them that you are trying your best, but it can be difficult and you will be surprised, when they open up about things to you that you had no idea about! But because you are kind and vulnerable, people feel good around you.
Maybe you also had this situation where you look at someone and feel jealous of how free and beautiful they look. How easy it is for them to put together words and look so smart and charming, but then people like that will find you and tell you that things are not always the way they seem. So I think that our difference can open up relationships on a whole different level, if we of course will open up about the way we feel.
I mean even writing this message is making me anxious because I don't know if it will help you even a little bit or if I phrased everything right, but I wanted to write this because I wanted to open up about this to you so you will never feel like you are alone.
-Aneli