My feelings of anxiety and depression come from the environment I lived in growing up. Sometimes it was because people around me were anxious and I learned that behavior and because I was in fight or flight mode most days. The other days were cold and sad and quiet and was the perfect place to ‘’develop’’ depression in a sense. For me it’s the only way I feel emotions is on either end of the scale. I hope my comment doesn’t trigger anyone reading. I do feel how you do, Being so hard on myself. But you’re always doing amazing and what you can at different moments.

Joef, for me, first comes the anxiety and is followed by depression. I have PTSD. I try to think of small things as victories on bad days like I actually got out of bed and showered. I was able to make coffee. I try to tell myself it’s ok if I can’t do much today, I can try again tomorrow. But I do feel it helps to keep myself on a schedule and to keep a calendar of what I want to accomplish each day, but setting realistic goals based on my condition.

I hope you feel better soon.

There are medical causes for depression.

Anxiety is natural and is a part of us.

Often, anxiety is noticed faster due to the physical sensations overwhelming the ability to think and act clearly.

Being aware of what works when is so important. Keeping a list of the basic daily tasks gives you the knowledge that you are doing something which can help break the momentum of depression. With anxiety, doing something breaks the usual pattern of thought, emotions, and feelings.

Here's hoping you find your better balance soon.

I am not sure what is worst for other people--for me it is the anxiety--I have always had a low level of depression--its just the bar is set low---genetics--how I grew up...? combination of both? I told the psychiatrist I saw years ago when he said he was giving me an anti-depressant--"What depression? I am Russian-we are a dark people..." lol And yes-I've had anxiety forever too---but that was just a way of life. I think if you have anxiety-it closes up your world and feeds the depression...and if you have depression, you have dark and negative thoughts, which feed your anxiety. I believe because they are both byproducts of low seratonin that they are forever entangled.

While going to a professional is normally the best way to help alleviate the symptoms, I would also check out some books that help manage the attacks. Sometimes you will find something in there that no one in a forum has thought about. A good book can cover everything you might think of or experiencing.

Thank you all for the responses. I am taking some medications, but don't have financial resources to just spin the med wheel until something clicks. Not because I don't have income or insurance, just for other reasons. I do believe that medically balancing things can work, I'm just afraid that it will create a numb existence where I am just "getting through the day." I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and Adult Separation Anxiety. But, not necessarily to the point of one end of the spectrum or the other. I do think about the meaning of life and what my purpose is too often for my comfort. The ASA really did a number on my marriage with such jealous behaviors for so many years. Add the regular anxieties that had difficult controlling properly and here is where I sit. A good, non-violent person, with a neurotic personality that can't seem to climb out of the dark or slow down the anxiety enough to enjoy life. But, I am not giving up, I have to have hope.