Hello everyone,

I hope everyone has had a good holiday and are healthy.... I haven't quite updated a lot here... and well... I feel as though I need somewhere to rant or talk... so here I go... 

I haven't been doing too well.. like at all... for several months now. I feel as though I've gone down the hole into possibly being a bit depressed or unmotivated.. mainly because here we are, I'm having problems communicating my problems with people that care about me (my boyfriend, parents, etc) mainly because I dont like to worry people with them because I've been told i. the past by people in my life that I "don't have actual life problems because I am just a student"... (they've told me that I dont have kids or an actual job so I have no reason to be feeling the way I am feeling)... and recently over my break from school.. I found that some days I didnt want to get out of bed, I didn't want to do anything but sleep... and then I also had a bad time eating the amount I was supposed to be eating each day (I'd wake up at around 12 in the afternoon and then eat at lets say 4-5 pm and then nothing or I'd eat at very bad hours or skip some meals) I just didnt feel hungry. On top of all this, I just had so many worries that made me anxious (hence why I didn't really feel that hungry sometimes) Side note: I find that for me my anxiety makes me not as hungry as usual. 

This probably contributed to my current state... but then on December 23rd at 10:50am... my grandmother passed away (not Coronavirus related) and I'm not sure I've really processed it. I think I've kept everything I'm feeling to myself because I've been making sure my family is okay... mainly my father because it was his mom... and I was worried that he might fall back into his depression.... so I kept to myself (I know it's bad... but I didn't find it important at the time and again I don't like to burden people....even though I've also been told that they want to hear me so that they can help... it's just difficult for me because I find sometimes I can't really explain what I am feeling in words) 

I recently also had a conversation with my boyfriend... to which he mentioned to me that he's noticed that for several months now... I've had a lot of bad days where I just sound so unmotivated or down. Like theres some days where we talk and I'm all energetic and everything but then out of nowherr in the middle of our conversations my mood just... changes. I'm happy in one second and then sad in the next, with no explanation... and i've noticed it too now... and I'm not sure why. When I try to talk to him how I am feeling (he asks me a lot because he knows about my anxiety) I sometimes have no explanation for him. I'll answer with an "Im not sure why I'm feeling this way" because I generally do not know... and it's frustrating to me because I do wanna tell him sometimes but... I'm held back by my worries, or I dont know how to put it into words... 

Basically guys.. i've been having a really shittty time for the last several weeks and more so now that I've had to come back to start the semester again. I'm probably just going to mention what I'm feeling to my doctor so that I can get referred to a therapist... because honestly guys.. I'm exhausted with feeling this way and I wanna do sometjing to change it... I want to be better for myself and for the people I love.. 

I'm sorry for the long rant guys.. I just needed to vent... Again I hope everyone is staying healthy. I shall update soon.

-Blue