I feel like I am on the losing end of the stick. I have started to become numb to feeling helpless...which is good. I can cope better that way.

My story as of recently. I moved to NYC because I was looking for...well love and happiness...and excitement. Well I found anything but. My first year I lived in an apartment that had roaches EVERYWHERE!! They would crawl on me at night and come out of the oven while cooking. Really gross! That apartment didn't help me with my anxiety level. Towards the end a new roommate moved in..Great....He was an alcoholic! He would come on to me and I would lock myself in my room and he would retaliate by breaking things in the apartment and punching things.

I moved from that apartment and moved into what I thought was bliss. Turns out I was wrong. Soon after that I find out my mom has Hep-C and Cancer. Luckily the cancer was caught on time. Phew I can breathe again..but..Now my grandfather has terminal cancer. He dies. a few months later my grandmother dies.

My dogs are like my kids...One night my dog ends up paralyzed from the waist down. I am not going to get down and out about this now. It doesnt effect me because he is a fighter and he walks on all 4 feet again and we manage his spinal condition. But since he is a dog he doesnt understand his disabilities and I have to constantly be on top of him saying no dont run dont jump..and take him to his various Dr.s appointments....for his various conditions....that he has developed in the past year alone!

I no surprise go into a long episode of depression. I find no joy in anything. I lost my job before that but I have no desire to go find a new one. Why? whats the point? This drags on for a while. A little longer than a year I stay in that state of depression. My bf tries to understand but can't.

Shortly after that I get diagnosed (all within like 6 months) with asthma, high blood pressure, interstitial cystitis, mitral valve prolapse, hashimoto thyroidis and have already had 2 biopsies on my thyroid...I now have to get that done every 6 months for the rest of my life or until I develop cancer.

Insomnia gets worse anxiety gets worse.
Im now having anxiety attacks night after night just crying myself to sleep.

I feel pathetic.
I begin to hate nyc
I start to feel like a failure. I can't make it here. I decide its time to return home. I cant yet. I have to finish school. My boyfriend and I decide to break up.

I am doing pretty good now. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel the depression leaving..lifting...I can find happiness again...

I am fighting to stay this way.

I recently in the past 2 months or so started having a mouse infestation in my tiny apartment. Its seriously gross. It really made my insomnia and asthma much worse ...How can i sleep when mice are crawling around all night? I have been fighting anxiety. I have been doing my best NOT to take valium. I want to. I want to sleep at night and not be stressed and freaked but I dont want to rely on a medication to do that for me. I want to learn to do it myself.

I woke up this morning and found a BED BUG on my wall my bedroom. I am freaked..and stressed...roaches bedbugs mice...Im sick of it..I am sick of nyc...I really am...I am tired...I am tired of being sick and tired (literally).

Sorry I went on for a while..

I really am trying to stay positive and stay out of depression and anxiety attacks. I am trying so hard because I am alone here. I dont have many friends or any family here. I need to be strong. I need to just make it through 6 more months and I am home bound.

Why does 6 months seem so long?