Alzheimer's Disease Support Group

Alzheimer's disease (AD) is the most common cause of dementia and characterized by progressive cognitive deterioration with declining activities of daily living and neuropsychiatric symptoms or behavioral changes. An early symptom is memory loss (amnesia), usually manifesting as minor forgetfulness that becomes pronounced with illness progression, with relative...

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ingelo 06/02/2011

I went to the nursing home at noon today to give my husband his lunch. He looked angry and when I tried to put his glasses on he flung them away. The nurse tried to give him his noon meds( they are supposed to ease his agitation) and he spilled water all over her but refused the meds.
I then invited him to the dining room and he screamed no and pounded the chair. The nurse said to leave him be and they would try later.
I decided to leave as I was bursting into tears and didn't want anyone to see me. Aooarently had had been good in the morning and even co-operated with a shower.
I don't know what to do now but decided I have to stay away today. I feel so guilty for having put him through this and so utterly helpfless.
I wish I could turn back the clock and have kept him at home bu t kknow in my head that sooner or later one of us would have got hurt and he would have been placed on an emergency basis. This is not my husband- he was the gentlest man prior to this illness..
It is just so very hard.

deleted_user 06/02/2011

I so feel for you and read the sadness between the lines. I also understand when you say what a dear man he was and this isn't him. In my post on the day care similar situation. My guy also is a super person, normally loved by everyone...and here they tell me he was angry and they almost fearded him.

It is heartbreaking and so little we can do. I know any anger any of them show is fear!! What else can they do but get angry. I hope the days get better for you dear friend.(and for us all) Hugs

loveyorks 06/02/2011

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. My mom was violent with me too when I had to place her in the NH. She would not accept my visits for the first 2-3 weeks. The nurses at the home recommended I stay away to let her get used to the place.

It took about that time and when we went back for a visit, she had indeed forgotten all of her upsets. So give it time and do NOT feel bad. You have done nothing wrong...!! ((hugs))

grammyx3 06/02/2011

I can only imagine how hurt you are when he does this sort of thing. But as loveyork says, and I heard this before, that it takes 2-3 wks to become accustomed to the place. Maybe if you could stay away a couple days in a row it would help.

I know it must be hard. I want to stay away, but just can't.

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty, you have done the right thing.
Hugs......Carolyn

Deborah48 06/02/2011

I'm so sorry you have to struggle like that, oh, I wish we were all in a happier place.

ingelo 06/02/2011

It just got worse. I had a call from the nursing home at 10 PM to say there is blood in the catheter tube and some in the bag. They are going to monitor because he is already on antibiotics. Now I feel even worse for not going in this evening and checking as I always do.
Now I'm thinking he was probably in pain and hence the anger.
This is so very distressing.
He has been in the home almost 6 weeks now so he should be starting to adjust. Of course the problems are compounded by his physical health issues. It will be hard to sleep tonight.

sosadandtired 06/02/2011

I know that telling you not to feel guilty will not help. What you feel is what you feel. But you did not do this to your hubby......Alzheimers did. Give him some time to adjust and take some time for you to adjust as well. In the meantime, your friends here at DS will always be here for you.......hugs and prayers......Jeanmarie

inmemoryofhattie 06/04/2011

yes, it is excruciatingly hard to see a gentle person upset in these ways....

I do not think you are putting him through this...it is the illness he has...otherwise he would not respond in these ways even if he were sick ....

I am sorry you have to witness this and carry the heavy load of sorrow within you.....

hugs

deleted_user 06/04/2011

I'm so sorry for you both and wishing you the best....

deleted_user 06/05/2011

the urinary infection & discomfort would make him so angry & in pain. Unable to say what is wrong must be the worst feeling. UTI are a major reason for drastic behaviours changes. I hope the infection is treated successfully. You are in my thoughts.

ingelo 06/05/2011

The worst thing is that my husband has an indwelling catheter and that must be uncomfortable in itself. The urologist does not want to investigate further as the says my husband is not a candidate for surgery.
I believe the infection is clearing for now but his legs are badly swollen and no one seems to be concerned about that except me.
It is very frustrating. Our family doctor has no say now as there is an inhouse doctor. He only comes every second week and I have yet to see him.
I'm going to request a care conference as soon as possible.
Thanks for all your input and concern.

deleted_user 06/05/2011

I also want to say that you have no need to feel guilty. You did not cause your husband's Alzheimer's. The very best thing you can do for your husband now is to take care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. Your husband, before Alzheimer's destroyed him, would want you to be happy. You can honor his memory by doing just that.

Love to you,

Sharon

deleted_user 06/06/2011

Good for you. You are his best advocate. The more interest the family shows I believe the best the care our loved ones received. Questions need to be answered & plan of care must be shared & updated. It is so easy for staff & doctor to become noncomplacent but you need to keep them talking to you. Good plan.

ingelo 06/06/2011

thanks again to all of you who have taken the time to write. As I have said before I'm blown away by the care and concern shown by strangers while family and friends distance themselves.
I'm starting to feel a little better- at least that black cloud over my head is starting to fade a bit. The ani-depressant may be helping me to get on with things I need to do. I have even planted a few tomatoes nothing like we used to do but then my husband is not here to eat them.
Now I only wish for a little smile from my husband when I get there rather than a frown and waving me away. Maybe that stage will come.

inmemoryofhattie 06/06/2011

Dear ingelo,

SO glad you are feeling a little better. SO glad.

You are a great advocate. SOmetimes, it is very necessary to keep advocating for our person, again and again, even if, or especially if, it seems as if it shouldn't have to happen at all.....

here's hoping for continued improvement all around...fingers crossed!

ingelo 06/07/2011

The roller coaster continues. I went in to visit this afternoon- took some grapes in because I know he loves them. He was so angry and told me to eat them myself and was pounding the chair again. The OT tried to engage him in batting a balloon and he did that with such anger I couldn't believe it. He is alienating himself from staff and residents- this my husband who was always so well liked by everyone before this disease took hold of him.
I came home and decided not to go back today. I just can't face all that anger again.

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