Deb are you on anything for depression. I have been on an anti-depressant for years and don't think I would survive without it.

yup, I'm on Prozac, I've already talked with my doctor about it and she wants me to exercise. I now she is right but when? I feel like, why should I bother cleaning the house, no one is coming over. Why should I make a nice dinner no one to share it with. I am a social person and if I can't share things with people then I feel that there is no point.

Deb, I know exactly where you are coming from and how difficult this "darkness" can and has become. Im in the same boat, you know that as well.

Please try to hang on... sanity and feeling like you are worthy is still there. But some of us have to look harder to find it when it starts to dissolve than others.

I know some days are harder than others, hell some hours are harder than others. I have come to discover that its like an AA meeting....One day at a time. Yeah those are empty words to those that think they understand...but to those that actually live it, it has a different meaning. I am in a huge depression, I seldom even shower or change out of my pajamas for days. I too have to figure out a way to crawl out of this hole. And although I can say I need to do it for my hubby or my kids..... We have to do it for US!!! and NO one else.

Hold onto the small glimmer of hope that is there. Look hard, it is there, and when you start to feel like you can see it....touch it, when you can touch it...grab it, when you can grab it....hang on and make it live within your heart and it will grow. Soon it will start coming back to the "outside" so you can once again show it off to others and share it with them. But just remember....DO IT FOR YOU. YOU DESERVE IT.

Many Hugs to you my friend, will be waiting on the other side for you.
One day maybe, we can start to shine again together.
Janel

I understand how you feel, deborah. Am there many days myself and today is one of them.
Was supposed to go to the one activity a week that I allow myself but instead I have to spend it calling doctors, dealing with day program and learning all over again how to deal with a catheter. We spent 8 hours in emergency yesterday and my husband was sent home with a catheter again. He had it for 6 months last year and it caused endles complications. I'm hopeful it's very temporary this time.
The only blessing is that my husband seems not at all bothered by it.
I hope you will feel better as your day goes on, maybe step out into the sunshine and breathe in some nice air.

Sorry your feeling so down. Maybe a change in your antidepressant. It my act differently for you, and help you cope more. I have been on Lexapro, and it has really me handle things.

Deb; Good topic and unfortunately right on with many of us. I hear you loud and clear and feel pretty much the same right now. I think that it is only human, how can we go on and on without having dayes like this? We are not machines , we are people and as much as we care about our loved ones who we have almost already lost do we not count at all too? I don't think thats wrong...I have started realizing I have to matter a little it in this whole thing if i am being honest with myself. God help us and may He bring us all through this whole! I love you and though I have no magic answer please know I care and i hear you ..........((HUGS))Sherri

Deb,

I KNOW and FEEEL what you mean...been there, done that....will probably be and do again....

Can you get OUT of that house? for a whole day...? go out, do everything for yourself, no matter the cost...we have a spa/ wellness place here in town they do everything...get a massage, get your hair done, get lunch, get a facial...everything that is centered on you feeling better.....then go to a movie....call in the troops and get out for a couple of days....

Also, do you have any close friends that would come over and visit? could you do a potluck once a week?

We had a couple of friends drop over(with a phone call first) to drop something off here, and I scurried around and got tea and a few things out and it felt terrific...like night and day to have people in the house and talking and eating....they know my hus well so were very accepting...

Whatever works for you, but I support and encourage you to do something.....

lots of hugs....

Thanks memeory- yes I do all of those things but these past 2 weeks I haven't been able to because, well, a variety of reasons, one friend is on vacation, we have had several snow storms, the kids have been extra busy with school, etc. and we just got dumped another foot of snow last night, oh well. One thing I have noticed (and I don't care what the doctors say..) I need to take my Prozac immediately when I wake up BEFORE the funk sets in.

Deborah, I, too, know and understand what you are feeling. Some days I just want to stay in bed, but can't. Some days I just want to be home alone in my own house, but can't. Some days I just want to stop crying, but can't. Some days I want to feel the love I once had for my husband, but can't. Some days I just want to feel the excitement of the future I had dreamed about, but can't. Some days I just want to feel the security that I had worked so hard to have, but can't. Some days I climb out of bed, hoping this nightmare is over for each of us, but it isn't.
I love you Deborah, and I love all of my other DS friends. You are my "heros". If there is anything good that has come from this horrible, ugly experience, it is that I have found each of you.
Love,
Sharon

Dibble, please include your post in the book..... it sums it up for all of us.

I too think it's very important for the book. I know my Paxil is working since I'm not having anxiety attacks (hate them!) but I'm sure depressed. I KNOW exercise is the key for me. It always has been and always will be but I'm not having the push to get out and do it.

I am now. I have too or I'll sit here being miserable until .......... I don't know. I'm starting easy with taking the dogs out for a half an hour at a time, then the gym next week. Enough is enough.

Boxermom took the words out of my mout...I too think you should add that to you chapter ...it is spot on!!!!

I have been talking with my family today about my funk/depression and I think we kind of figured out what the trigger was......

It comes from when we met the Palliative Doctor and she said she thought that Rollie has about 2 more years to go. That is really sticking in my head and repeating itself over and over. 2 years! I think I kind of gave up that day. I just don't think I can go another year let alone 2 but what the heck choice do I have?

Maybe getting this idea out with my family and you all will me digest it better and deal with it instead of letting it fester inside.

Deb when my hubby came home from the hospital and was refusing medications, liquids and food for two days.......I am almost ashamed to say I felt a sense of relief. I can remember thinking that this may actually be over soon. When he started taking his medicine and eating and drinking again I cried......relief or disappointment???? God forgive me.....I am not really sure.........Jeanmarie

Hugs and Prayers to you all. I feel like you do, when will this end? Can I make it? How will this affect my own health? Will I be able to survive it? Will I have much life left? I know we all feel the sense of love and responsibility we should feel for our loved ones but I think it is only human to have these other thoughts.