An anti-anxiety med might help a lot. They don't necessarily make them too out of it. But they do help calm them.

You may be wearing yourself out with so many visits. I understand how you feel, though. It is hard to leave them.. we feel like we have abandoned them. But you have not.

You need to get yourself in a good place. Maybe take a whole day off and recharge yourself.

Prayers and blessings coming your way.

Thanks. I will ask about it when I go in today.
I actually took part of yesterday off to go to a fundraising luncheon for the nursing home. It was nice but I was having a hard time staing focused and not talking about my husband.. When i got to the nursing home he had not been changed. When I went to do it he went ballistic and I'm afraid I didn't handle it at all well. It was just before dinner and I could not expect the staff to do it as they are busy getting people into the dining room. He woud lhave gone in very smelly if I had not been there.
This is so hard, I can barely face the thought of going in today.

You need to learn to let the staff do their job and leave the room while they do it. It is costing you a fortune to have him there so let them earn their pay. Just go for a visit and maybe help him eat his lunch if he needs help but other than that, sit back, relax and visit with him. Maybe take him outside for a walk if that is allowed. Pack a treat for both of you to share and sit on a bench and enjoy it.

You might try visiting every other day and taking a day for yourself to do whatever or nothing.

This will make your visits more enjoyable and I think he will be a lot less agitated when you visit.

I wish, with all my heart, that I could do this with my love, but it ain't gonna happen.

Hang in there
Hugs
Mary

When my MIL was hospitalized (nursing home for only a few days) at the end of her life everyone had a different way of approaching it. My one BIL who still lived with her acted like he was her husband. He was there every hour that he wasn't working. He would also take care of her, often against the nurses orders. Just before she died we had two run-ins over this. The first time my MIL had a bad infection and they wanted to measure everything she ate and everything that came out. Well my BIL was bringing in food from outside and throwing out the hospital tray. He also was taking her to the bathroom because he felt the nurses weren't fast enough. The result was that the doctors had no idea what was going on. The second was the day before she went on a respirator. The nurses strictly ordered the family to not move my MIL. Again my BIL felt he knew best and took her to the bathroom. The nurses were furious.

I don't know if any of this made a difference in her health but I do believe it is important to let the staff do their job. You need to monitor them to make sure that they are giving the proper care but they know how to do things like moving them safely. I also think that letting the staff take care of them preserves some personal space which may let you enjoy more time as a couple instead of as a caretaker/patient.

When my MIL was in the hospital I also witnessed many people breaking the visiting hours rules. My husbands family was horrible with this. My feeling is that a hospital is for healing not visiting. While a nursing home is different it is very difficult for the patient to see people leaving all the time. I think it just reinforces the fact that they cannot leave. It is similar to a child when you put them in for a nap. If they cry and you keep going back you just prolong the upset. Each time you check on them it's like starting over.

Not sure if this makes any sense. The best person to talk to is the head nurse. And trust that she has the most experience.

I agree with the comments above. I think that you are visiting too much and it makes his adjustment a bit more difficult. I think as well for you it is important to take some time for yourself. He may be acting out a bit just to test the waters. Believe me once you start being there so frequently they staff will expect you to provide the care they should be doing. I do speak from experience since my hubby was in two hospitals, two skilled facilities (nursing homes with a fancy title) and one rehab center in a six month period. I stayed with him him around the clock for 10 days in the hospital. I did that because I am a nurse and my hubby really required one on one nursing care. The nurses were unable to provide that type of care so I felt it was a necessity. My hubby then expected me to stay with him in the NH as well. He was not getting the care he was supposed to so I went to the Nursing Supervisor and made it clear that he needed to be turned every two hours whether sleeping or not and needed supplies at his bedside to self catherize every four hours instead of searching around when the time came. After you make enough noise/complaints they start to realize you aren't going to go away. At that time my hubby was able to speak up for himself and learned to be his own advocate when I wasn't there.

I would just visit at different times on different days just to make sure you are happy with care he is being given. If you find him soiled frequently or have any other issues then I would talk to a supervisor. Once they know that you are an active advocate for your hubby he will most likely get increased attention.

I hope you will take the opportunity to be kind to yourself and get some much deserved rest......hugs and prayers.....Jeanmarie

I read all these posts that we all write and I am in amazement that any of us have OUR sanity. I hate to admit but I know I am wearing thin. My dr just put me on .50 Celexa, I haven't norticed anything yet. They just put him on Ativan (as needed) a couple weeks ago and we are stopping it as he is more agitated. It's so hard to know whats right, as drugs work different on each person.Even when we try our best it isn't always enough.

I agree with Mary , you must be paying a fortune to have him there and maybe ease up on yourself a bit and let them do their job. If you are still going to do everything he might as well be at home. Give yourself a little breaksince you have the opportunity to do so since he is there. I think its probably much like leaving a child in daycare, its sometimes harder to separate for Mommy than the child.

God bless, good luck and I pray you find a happy medium for you both. Hugs Sherri

My mom spent a month or so before she died in a NH. They asked me NOT to help get her up or to the bathroom, or any necessary changes.

Take better care of yourself. I agree with what Jamr and boxermom say. You are wearing yourself thin and getting involved in the most disagreeable part of his care. Do let the staff do it. And I echo that you are going there too much.Take alternate days off for yourself and to put some pleasure in your days. Maybe call a friend or relative you enjoy lunching with and have a chance to make time for your own needs.

Bless you for all your tlc. Now give some to yourself. Hugs.

I know what everyone is saying and I appreciate the support.
Today was a better day as he had a male staff who is just great with him. I wish he had him all the time.
Tomorrow morning I go to an activity that i enjoy.
I know I have to take care of myself because my 90 year old mom deserves some of my time too. She is getting more frail and I should be with her a lot more. It's not easy.

I agree with the other ladies. You are going in there too much. You do know that they don't remember when you were there or not there. Keep that in your mind. Yes, take a be good to myself day..:) Take care.

To me, he is embarrassed having females tend to his needs and I don't blame him if that's the case. Maybe they'll schedule the men on a regular rotation for him since he remains calm with them.
I agree with everyone else. Once a day is plenty! Give yourself permission to even skip a day or two now and again.

IUnfortunately my husband is long past feeling any embarrassment. He has been in hospital a lot for the past year and so is quite used to females tending to him.
There is no way I'm going to skip a day as yet unless I absolutely have to. I always check on the catheter right away. One day the urine bag had been put in upside down which is bad as the urine can flow back up.
I'm trying to hang in until the end of the month and I promised myself if things are no better I will take him home. I hope I don't have to do that because I know I won't manage for long without the supports I had built in before and which won't be available.
I have to stop moaning and get on with things.
By the way, I'm in Canada and I'm sure our system is quite different from that in the States where most of you seem to be from.

I really pray it works out for you both. Your devotion is admirable...God Bless you.

I do hear that health care is so different in Canada than here in the US..Actually speaking to a Canadian do you mind my asking what are the main differences?

I love Canada , we have been many many times when my husband was well. Its so beautiful and has so much to offer.

As far as I know the difference is that no one needs to worry about affording a nursing home as they subsidized by the government.
If you have nothing but your pension you have to have a shared room and apply for a sudisidy but if you can afford it you can have a private room which costs us $2,200 amonth. Of course the waiting lists for private rooms are much shorter.
That is not to say that our homes are wonderful. The ration of staff to resident where my husband resides is 1 to 8 and it is considered one of the better homes. The staff is stretched to their limits and apprecitate any help the family can give.
In addition to these homes we have private homes which cost about $ 6,000 a month and are ouf of reach for most of us.
We pay $2.00 for a prescription as seniors are automatically covered by the health care system.
I don't know if this answers your question.

I have found that if I need to moan, this is the place to come...we all have those days and those situations.....we know, we are the ones right there....

to weeks is still a short time for such a major transition...would it help to talk with his "team" get their input as to what is working, what is not, possible solutions?

and it is truly important for you to get some rest.....