Much thanks to everyone for your thoughtful comments, it really helps me. What bothers me the most is that I won't be able to pick up that 4 year chip I was looking forward to. Instead I have a newcomers chip in my hand.

That would be tough... I'm sorry to hear that Christopher. I'm glad though that you didn't allow that one time as an excuse to drink for days, weeks, or months... THAT is worth something!! Believe me, it takes a lot of courage for that ... and though I doubt a chip is given for that commendable effort, it IS worth something... congrats on choosing you yet again! We're all so proud of you for that choice.

Many hugs 2 u

Some asked what triggered me and I guess I would have to say( after thinking about it for awhile) is the great disdain I have for myself. I know self loathing and shame really don't help anyone, but sometimes when I think about all the stupid and hurtful things I've done because of my bipolar and personality disorder I really hate myself and I know that's no excuse.

Self loathing would drive anyone to do something their not so proud of. Drives one to do things such as punish themselves and feeds the cycle of unworthiness. That's why I'm proud of you Christopher. Because believe it or not, your ability to not give into the excuse was able to break a very self indulging cycle of self hurt. Believe it or not, your choice saved you from further hurt. Hurt you don't deserve. It may not feel like that, but it's true. You don't deserve the self-hurt. You deserve a life of sobriety, driven by self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and overall happiness. Completing the 12 steps will be the right way to go about it. Again, you deserve it.

God Bless!

Try not worry so. I have been my own worst enemy:) And I can kick myself harder than anyone eles. We all in the same boat, different issues, same boat. Team work,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Don't worry be happy:) best wishes!

Thanks everyone for your support, I didn't continue to drink. I am really trying my best to stay sober.

I am willing to bet that the reason you quit drinking in the first place was because you could no longer manage your life. Think back to that time when you get a desire to take a drink and ask yourself if it is really worth it!

I lost my job, and nearly lost my wife because of my drinking! My drinking put my family through hell and I NEVER want to do that to them again! Sure there are times when I get down on myself and on life but that's what aa is for. The support I get from people who have been in my shoes is something I could never put a price tag on because it means so much to me.

I know Ratchyl and I know she has your best interests at heart but I think you could benefit more from a male sponser who understands men's feelings and men's problems. That is what AA recommends. You need a sponser who can take you through the steps one at a time and explain each one to you and work with you on them. My own sponser is male and we are best friends. I would love to tell you what we talk about but I can't. It is confidential. Between men.

You didn't have a full blown relapse. You had a slip. The difference is that you feel guilty about it and you learn from it so you won't make the same mistake again. A slip can be a very useful tool toward the healing process. Understand what the trigger was and try to avoid that trigger next time.

There was this guy at one of my meetings who said, "I stopped drinking for 6 years, stopped in a bar one night and planned to have just two drinks well to make a long story short, I drank for the next 12 years" I can't remember how many years he has been sober this time but I hope and pray that doesn't happen to you. I hope you go to face to face AA meetings and I hope you get a male sponser who can take you through the steps because if you can, you will have a life that you never thought imaginable!

Good things happen to people who stop drinking! Remember that!

God Bless and TC!

I also wanted to mention there is a good book called,"Healing the shame that binds me" by John Bradshaw. You can get it used on amazon for just a few bucks. I highly recommend it.

TC

hello christopher...just checking in with you and how you are doing now...im worried about you...please let us all know how you are doing ok (((hugs)))

I am doing ok. I did drink a coupe more times but hopefully I'm done with that. I have a fantastic sponsor and I am going to meetings and working the steps with my sponsor. I think I'm going to be ok but time will tell, they say one day at a time. Thanks for your concern I'm really touched by everyone's concern for my well being.
Feel free to message me anytime.