My AA Sponsor told me stories for how he used to be on antabuse in the later stages of his drinking. He would pour rubbing alcohol on his arms and wait to see if he had a reaction to it. If he didnt,...he would pour in a little water to dilute it, and drink it. He also used to drink cologne. Yup,..you heard that right. Cologne. Social drinkers were sippin' an Old Fashioned,...while he chugged Old Spice.

Has anybody told you, maybe your just not ready. Stop trying, when it's time you'll be able to. I've relapsed may times. I couldn't understand it either and each time, I thought I couldn't get any worse, but I did. I have 7 months now. If I relapse, I relapse, I will just try to learn from it. And if relapsing is in my story I just plan to have them shorter and longer sobriety in between. Jody

IT aint easy !!! As a matter of fact its the hardest thing I ever did. And dont beat youreself up Lots of us have been there....

No usually it means you didn't take the advise and learn that you can't stay stopped without help and may have to attend AA meetings and work the steps, we all have been where you are at, you just have to decide, make that choice and your life will change.The disease won't want you too and it will tell you not too, but do it anyway. You are not truly surrendered if you are still drinking, I would take a really hard look at it and keep it in simple terms, millions have done it so can you. I use to hear this old dude come to our meetings, AA is not for people who need it, but for people who want it. Meaning you have to get in there and work those steps to the best of your ability like your life depends on it (actually it does)! When people are still having a problem with drinking and they say they surrenered they don't understand the concept or won't do the footwork to stay sober, meaning doing the rest of the steps. If you do surrender remember you have to straight to the other steps and get a hp! If you just did step 1 and never went any further you would drink, cause most of us have skeletons in the closet or something plagueing them, you have to clean up your own house. Nodoby can do it for you, you have to believe in your heart of hearts that you can't drink anymore cause it makes your life unmanageabe.

Remember you have to actually go to a meeting in your area and get someone to help you go through the steps, you will be amazed.Just knowing stuff does not help, not until you take ACTION!You will never stop until you accept you have a life threatening disease and have to take certain steps. This disease requires action, you can read about alcoholism everyday and all day for years and it won't do anything for you until you start to do certain things. I haven't seen in your post about going to an AA meeting, just that you know about it. Do yourself a big favor and give yourself a break and go to one and get a woman sponsor, and tell her you want to go through the steps.Of course all this is just a suggestion, it is what I had to do to stop and stay stopped drinking and the longer you stay sober the better you start to feel and you get some self esteem back and it is great, to get those feelings back again. I pray you go to an AA meeting. Take care.

you drink because you want to. nobody can stop you...you have to want to stop.

a small part of you wants to stop, but a bigger part wants to keep drinking. that's why you are caught in a trap.

so, ask yourself, "Why do i still want to drink?"

and trust me, you will get NOWHERE if you say "because i'm an alcoholic"

that will only enable you to continue drinking.

You mention waking up @ 3am. I used to do that every single night. My guilt, shame would overwhelm me. I'm wondering, do you have children. That's what I would think of. I would chant like a mantra "I've gotta stop doing this, I've gotta stop doing this"

The next morning, I would wake up and first thing I'd do is check to make sure I was going to have enough vodka for the night after work.

I didn't have a clue about surrender until my fear of the known became greater than my fear of the unknown. When I truly wanted to stop, it didn't matter who knew, how much it cost, how put out my husband would be having to make arrangements to care for our kids.
These were excuses I made for years.

People who truly want to stop drinking do. I have stayed stopped through AA. If you want to stop drinking I hope you try AA, if you don't want to stop drinking, I hope you change your mind.