The big question to ask yourself is why did you still get married, even though you knew what you were in for?

Do you feel this was the best you could do or deserve???

Many times, it's linked to a person's poor self esteem or severe desire to be needed...

I'd hop over to the codependency board.

And welcome. Sorry it's under these circumstances.

Well, you can't change the past and you chan't change him unless he wants to be changed but you can change yourself and how you deal with his excessive drinking.

There is a group called alanon which does just that. you will meet others who have dealt with an alcoholic spouse and learn how they handle their problems. You will learn how you can be happy despite your husband trying to constantly sabotage that happiness with his drinking! It is also a great source of support!. You can google meetings in your area.

There is another group here which may help you. Here is the link:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

Try not to focus on the past. Concentrate on yourself. You have some difficult decisions to make going forward and you will need alot of support to do so. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless!

My husband is not as bad as your for the drinking, he binge drinks for 3 or 4 days and then quits for a bit and starts again. From the outside looking in he is the perfect man, good job, nice house, nice cars, nice vacation ever year, well respected at work and with friends, golfs, and we have 3 great kids. Sounds perfect right? Wrong, when he binge drinks or is in withdrawal from drink heavily, he gets abusive with me and the kids. He is really mean with his words. I am like you, right now. I have had enough, a bit afraid to leave or start down that road. It will be over and there will be no turning back once I start. It is easy for those who offer advise to leave, they are not the ones doing it, they are not the ones that will have their lives changed forever. Having said that I am faced with the question should I stay or should I go? If I leave will I live in poverty the rest of life?

I think I know the answer to my questions, but I want to make sure it is not a decision I make while emotionally charged up. So I am taking my time with it. I have made a list of what I can accept and what I cannot and I am picking away at it. I have put boundaries in place for his unacceptable behavior. I continue to tell him that he can talk to me when he can talk nicely to me and I walk away if he is being unpleasant. It may not stop him from being nasty but it has empowered me and I feel better not putting up with it. We are going on vacation and I sat down and made a plan of what I will accept and what I will not accept and most importantly what I am going to do if he crosses those boundaries. I will take the vehicle and drive home if he gets verbally abusive. I do not have to put up with his problem, there are things I can do.

Mean time, I continue to work on separating the emotions and facts about leaving him. I was told by an alcoholic that they never realized what they were doing to their spouse until there spouse left them, that was enough to sober them up. Oh course you cannot count on this being the out come. You must be prepared his drinking will result in him getting worse and eventually death. It is sad, but it his choice if he decides to continue to drink himself to death, you cannot change that, only he can. He has to make the decision to stop drinking. There is nothing more you can do accept to do what is right for you.

Since I don't know if my list will work to help me justify my decision to leave or stay, it would not be right for me to suggest you give it a try. Again I am like you, I hate my husband is forcing me to make this decision, a decision I would rather not be making. It does carry some anger with it.

They say than only when the pain of today is worse than the fear of tomorrow will you make the change.

I've done the pain. I've done the fear.

Fear is WAAAAY better than pain. Hands down. SO much more liberating.

I'd rather be a failure having tried something than a failure because I did nothing. There's nothing admirable about staying because leaving would be so much... work.

I wonder, has anyone tried taking videos of their drunk spouses and then played them back for them when they are sober? I had vague recollections of my behavior the day after and I always felt remorseful about how I had acted and the things I said. Finally was enough to make me change my lifestyle and quit drinking.

Until the pain was great enough I was so selfish I would not stop

Finally when I hit the bottom did I go get some help. I found a way to live sober thru aa.

I just want you to know that you have helped me to stay away from the drink today. Thanks and I will pray for you and him

1is2many

I am so overwhelmed with all the responses....Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me. I have not had an outlet in so long it seems. @crazycanuk I will def try anything at this point. I truly am scared for his health and physical safety.

@buckstag I have several recordings and videos saved of him drunk. I have the videos from him in the hospital with hallucinations and I thought showing him would make a difference and it seemed to for a bit...he was embarrassed that he acted this way, that he said the foolish things he said...but didn't work for very long. Our therapist had said that this was a great idea for spouses to do, to show the other how they act when drinking. I just wish it had more impact. :(

I feel as though I am his wife...I have to support him...I have to be there for him even through the trying times. If I leave...am I being a terrible wife? I can't give him this ultimatum and not follow through. Maybe me leaving will give him the kick in the ass...or maybe not and I will end up being single.

I am also married to an alcoholic. I don't think he has a clue as to how much he has hurt and continues to hurt me or the kids. He is playing at being sober -- in AA, seeing a counselor, and drinking every few weeks. I married him and I want to be supportive -- that's what marriage vows are about. But at some point it is not healthy or helpful for him, me, or the kids. For me I think that point was a year ago -- I just can't see getting out for another few months.

I am not sure what to tell you other than there are a lot of us in your situation and it isn't easy. Also unless he truly decides to quit, it won't get better but it can get a whole lot worse. I've seen where it ends -- my sister kept drinking, and died a pretty crappy death that I would not wish on anyone and would rather not see again.

One thing I would recommend in addition to pictures/videos is to keep a journal. Write down his drunken episodes -- what he does and how you feel. This will help you have a better understanding of the situation. You can also share it with him if you think that it will help. I am now keeping mine in a calendar format so I will have it if/when I file for divorce.

Talking to him might help (and might not.) Just don't try talking with him when he is drinking -- there is no point in it.

Lots of women in this group are in the same spot we are:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/wives-of-alcoholics

Hi Mrs Slick,

I was that addicted husband who just didn't get it. I actually was known as a pretty good dad, husband and businessman while nursing my addiction to alcohol for 45 years. A month ago I woke up with a clear realization of my Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde character and how much I hated the Mr. Hyde that I could become under the influence of alcohol. My wife said afterwards that she was really close to leaving me. I think I sensed that. I wish I could meet and talk to your husband because I believe we are similar individuals who simply became reliant on a very addicting substance over a long period of time and never realized how bad things had become. I would almost bet that your husband hates his Mr. Hyde self as well and would confess as much to another person who has his confidence and can share his perspective.

I'm so sorry for the position you are in. All my life I was taking in strays thinking I could affect a change. I was always let down. Although I am an alcoholic, I went to codependency meetings. I needed to know who I was and how to have healthy relationships.

I'm glad to see that you are seeing a therapist. You might also want to try alanon or some coda meetings.

Best wishes in what is to follow.
Hugs

I feel for you and hope you're doing okay. Please let us know how things are going.