I have survived, in sobriety, without drinking:
Divorce
Losing my house
Unemployment
Narrowly avoiding bankruptcy
Death of my mom's husband
Ulcerative colitis

Since I didn't drink over any of these major life crises, you know what that means: it will take something insanely trivial to take me out.

All bets are off if I get a flat tire!

Thank you everyone for all the heartfelt and kind answers. I also hear you g and kk. Pity pot and bs and no excuses. I am not special. Is why i asked what others have survived. Just not feeling good lately and tired of myself and knowing what to do and not doing it. Tired of thinking my will is wrong and everything I even think I know or like about myself is a defect. Tired of feeling vulnerable and insecure. I'm just not used to all this and I don't like it.

To answer the question why I feel I don't belong... I cannot seem to be myself and still be okay either here or aa. And spending so much time talking about staying sober is making my life about "not drinking" rather than about living. My fault, yes - I am not blaming. I think aa and ds both are just distracting me from actually living, maybe like a perfect alibi for avoidance. I am frustrated with myself.

I really don't think I can fathom drinking. Just need to figure out how to be okay without it.

OK.....

Mental illness which has been thousands of times worse than 18 years of blackout drinking and all that that brings. (There ARE worse things than drinking)

Lost my sanity

Nearly lost my life

Loads of health problems, some serious.

Lost my Mum nearly three years ago

Lost my hard won and beloved career

Lost my house I'd worked my guts out for.

Lost loads of money just to support myself being on the Disability Support Pension which is under the Poverty Line (although I am grateful to have it)

Lost most family and friends due to my mental illnesses and I also turned away many alcoholics/addicts and people with mental illness because they won't seek treatment which I do in all areas.

Lost my passions and involvement with the community.

Lost the opportunity to have an child as I'm too old now (very sad)

AND I NEVER DRANK ONCE. I never even wanted to through all this. I believe that is because of total surrender, continuing surrender and the mindset of doing WHATEVER IT TAKES TO STAY SOBER - one day at a time but forever. Sobriety is a gift.

Anna, you say that DS and AA may be keeping you from living.

I can only share my own experience with this. DS has been a nice addition to AA. AA is my lifeline. If I want to reap the benefits, I damn well put in the footwork.

My best efforts got me nowhere. Nowhere. Couldn't do it on my own. I tried numerous times to no avail. I had to do things differently and with good results so far. Like you, I am only at 5 months myself, and have lots more work to do. Instead of looking at it as a torturous endeavor, I'm looking at it as an exciting journey. Taking each day as it comes.

I don't know what kind of living you're talking about or what DS and AA are keeping you from doing. I hope you have second thoughts and not attempt to do this by yourself.

Maybe you woke up this morning feeling a little differently than you did yesterday. :)

xoxo
~Chris

please feel free 2 glance at my journal titled "humbled". it about sums up my existance. doesn't mean I still don't WANT a drink, I just DON'T DRINK. By staying sober, I now have a choice.

Really wasn't sure how to respond to this post or whether to at all. I felt like a raw nerve , a round beg in a square hole on- and off for along time. Still can given the right circumstances. But you know,I was given Something to do after i got sober,Group service in AA , opening up the meeting Hall, Coffee maker,getting tables set up, ashtrays and at the end tearing everything down.

All the while meeting new people talking to them , and taking in all everyone had to offer.

I guess I was fortunate because the fellowship was very diverse, and each person had step stories, God stories, pity pot stories , fight or flight stories, gratitude stories, How important is it stories, therapy before and after stories, in the Day stories and stories of relapse , sum constructive and some, well not able to share anymore stories (death)
I took it all in in-spite of how , Like a duck out water I felt..I thrived on The Fellowship, and the stories long enough to do step work "feel a little more comfortable in My skin and get down To my core issues in Therapy.
All in Gods time with the help of others in the Fellowship ( stories) How more perfect could it had been Don't no , Still sober , reasonably Happy and Moving forward In Recovery.
For that I'll be forever Grateful :)
Billy

i,ve only been booze free for a little over a week and i'm going insane ,i have to buy 2 new tires for my truck (i'm running on my spare) i need to fix at least one water line to a water storage,the fence around the horse pastrue has a break and needs to be fixed ,i need to go and find my mare (she got out of the horse pasture and is out roaming around buck pasture somewhere) i broke the rear window out of my truck hauling my neighbors 4wheeler ,i'm off the grid so my power comes from solar and generator ,i have to pump water. the batteries for sed system are old and dont hold a charge ,i need to pump water so i also need to buy diesel and gas ,the hospital bill collector has been calling to get paid for my trip to the er for my knee injury ,i need to pay my cell phone bill(its late) and i just dont have enough money for all of that , but i'm still not going to drink,i'm going a little crazy ,and im not to proud of myself but I WILL NOT DRINK ,oh and i still have 5 cattle on the wrong pasture and the fence is down at the spring ,but i will not drink,that wont help,it might make me not care for a little bit but my problems will still be there , so i will not drink

well honestly my dui is keeping me clean.the biggest thing though is me cause if I really wanted to get drunk I could very easly.I have to do ba's and Ua's but friday would be the last day till monday so I could easly drink on friday night.whats stopping me? the thought that when I drink I drink and who knows what would happen. I am not even going to take that chance.just one sip of alc. could destroy my whole life. NO thank you.

There is NOTHING that can 'drive me to drink' - this is what I am promised if I do the work and stay fit spiritually. The answer to this is not to try to gain strength from all the tales of folks on DS but to get on with your recovery so that you can be in the promised place of neutrality - safe and protected - check out page 84/5 of the Big Book.

I have had some truly horrible things happen in recovery and none caused me to consider drinking for a nanosecond.

I got sick and have stayed that way, I got diagnosed with cancer, which fortunately was successfully treated; my husband got diagnosed with cancer and died shortly afterwards - it broke my heart; my son became a father at the age of 17 when I was just over a year sober; my granddaughter's mum prevents me from seeing her and I miss her so much; I am existing on benefits and desperately wish that I wasn't; my dad and nan died.

I could go on, but the truth is that LIFE happens to us all, it's sometimes sad, sometimes happy, sometimes bleak and sometimes full of hope, it is sometimes the worst you have felt in your life BUT none of that can make me drink and life doesn't have the power to make anyone drink unless they have yet to recover.

I shared this here ...

A little over three months ago I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I sort of shrugged it off and said, "Well, that is treatable, I will have to get on a diet and take some type of medication, I can handle this."

Then I was fired.

It has been rough. I made it rougher by assuming it was all about me.

It turns out that my pancreas and former employer were not conspiring against me. Imagine my surprise -- a human being having human problems.

I can not "handle" this, but, there is a Power that can and will if sought -- an AA sponsor, meetings and sober friends are invaluable.

I am often afraid, but I am often grateful too. How many alcoholics will die with a rotten liver and the pain of pancreatitis tonight? But I have a choice .... f'ing amazing!