So far I am surviving liver disease from all the bad decisions I made when younger, that is something that keeps me from taking that first drink, for me to take a drink is to die.

Thanks everyone. I have convinced myself I don't even belong here or in AA right now. I feel like an ass. I have never rationalized drinking and that's exactly what I am doing, thinking I can control it and go on living happily ever after. It's a different kind of crazy for me.

I won't drink today. I am going to pay all my bills because I am afraid I might drink tomorrow. Thursday is fucking 4 months. I need to get my head out of my ass.

Sorry friends. I had to get honest. I feel like a fake and a fraud right now. Zero ESH. Look how far I've come.

Look how far you've come HTL? You've come incredibly far.
Think of the first part of this year -- the starting and stopping. No way in hell do you want to go through that again. It just ain't worth it.

Sorry, but you don't drink anymore.

If your head is messed up then you have to find a way to take care of it without alcohol or drugs. If paying bills helps, I would like to support you in your efforts. PM me and I'll send you my bills to pay as well. Anything to help a friend.

Why do you think you don't belong here or in AA?

Tell ya what Olive...your honest and that is not just refreshing but what we all need. You DO belong here and I believe AA, which only requires that you have the desire to not drink....and as pissed as you are right now you DON'T want to drink. A part of you does but YOU really don't....crazy isn't it. At the rate I'm going I'll NEVER get thru the 12 steps...busy life (sponsor and me) keeps interferring. I've certainly had the week from hell but at least today a little light at the end of my tunnel. Each day I just put one foot in front of the other and know it WILL get better!!!!!!! Have faith and do anything and everything you can do....more meetings...talk with sponsor...gab with ppl here or F2F...you know the drill. Throw in something new and different, try something you have never done before. Hang on and Hang in. Don't jump the ship. Have I missed a platitude??? :) we care and would miss you very much. x0x0 d

what have i survived?..........................like most life.

i will not reveal the evils...............they are my demons and blessings.............i appreciate.

Think back to your darkest hours when you were drinking and try to remember how you were feeling - alone? pathetic? hopeless?
If you've kept any journals through this process - read through some of the bad days - it will remind you of how much you DON'T want to go back there.

That alcoholic denial lurking within us has a way of glossing over the past and glamorizing those drinking days. It happens to me too - recognizing it for the trick that it is is the key.

Don't dwell on not drinking for the rest of your life right now - just for today - easier days are awaiting you. Keep the faith.

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amid the storm

Yes, Bootoo. I heard a woman at a meeting this evening share that she always gets nervous flying and it would be so easy to have a drink... who would know? And then she thinks of what her sponsor told her... "remember the last two weeks of your drinking," which puts her right back to where she needs to be. Grateful to be sober another day.

This disease sucks, Anna, but your life doesn't have to. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps if need be. Just don't pick up no matter what. Not an option.

xoxo
Love ya.

Howto- take mine and everyone else's word for it. You have come a long way. You may not see it but I sure do. You are a much different person than you were 4 months ago. Don't sell yourself short.

Ya know I see a lot of sugar coating here, its going to be alright, look how far ya come ect... Just my opinion its time to get off your ass and the pity pot and put this recovery deal into action.

Just remember one thing its a lot easier to stay sober then to start all over and get sober.

Your disease is making you think crazy. You belong never ever drinking again You do belong where ever you can be to ensure this does not happen. And if this group. AA helps that, then you belong.

Your making excuses Anna. You did this before you relapsed last time. Did you learn from that? Your mind is telling you bullshit. Now go and do whatever it is you need to do to not listen to this, and to be around people who can call you on this bs.

I think you need to excersize too-plain and simple. You need to exhaust yourself right now-get to the gym. No excuses.

I was with my husband when he died and that memory haunted me for years but I did not drink over it.

I have been in litigation over his estate for many years - and dealing with a bunch of lying lawyers can drive you to drink - but I did not drink and have no plans on doing so - even though I'm still in the middle of legal issues.

For me - I just do not drink - no matter what. My spiritual contact is what keeps me sane through the hard times.

Good post and thank you for asking the question.

In recovery I have survived the loss of a child...still born. I had to watch my mother drink herself to death at the age of 59. I lost my father less than 2 years later. Ongoing financial hardship....possibly losing my house. Breast cancer, chemo, multiple infections since I began treatment, giving myself IV antibiotics 2x/day for 4 weeks.

Some say God doesn't give us more than we could handle, I disagree. I believe God gives us more than we could handle so that we reach out to others for help. Through all of my hardships God has been with me and has put people in my path to get me through it.

Now tell me, why don't u belong here or in AA?

I left my "ex" husband on 10/10/07 and packed my kids and went to the local police station and was escorted to a womens crisis center. My sobriety date is 10//10/07. (hardest thing I have ever done in my life)
I have never gotten a DWI or a PI or any problems with the law my whole drinking career but since I have been sober I have gotten like 7 trafic violations and 4 wrecks!! (I guess I cant drive sober?) Arrggg!!!

Blanca

I agree, its inspiring to hear stories about stregnth. Personally I think anyone who has been addicted to *anything* and puts it down for a day, a week, a year, life, is amazing.
I didnt drink today...on a turbulent flight. Wanted to, didnt.
Didnt drink when I landed and a client yelled at me when I called him.
Didnt drink at the hotel, despite my fully stocked mini bar and roomservice, despite missing my kids so much I could cry.
Minor I know...but I'm still proud of myself today:)