I've experienced this. In fact, I gave in, unfortunately, and ended up relapsing just recently. Sucks. I am also having a difficult time with my 'wheels spinning' and going nowhere. I need advice as well, and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It's hard for me, too. All I know is that I just have to start with today and put one foot in front of the other. Best we can do.

I don't know, Anna. You know my story and you know what happened to me when I questioned whether I was alcoholic or not. Brought me to my freakin knees. A 9-year relapse was my convincer.

No one can tell you how to shift gears, Anna. Step One comes from within. I had to concede to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. I cannot safely drink alcohol. Ever. No reservations whatsoever.

Okay... so I can't drink. I accept that. Now it's up to me whether I want to have a joyful sobriety or a miserable one. I choose to have a joyful one and take the action necessary to make that happen.

See what the happy people in AA are doing and do what they do.

Tara,
I`v been there many times. looking back I can honestly say I`v never got past step two, the principle behind it is Faith. In my mind the most important step in all.

Even after sharing my fifth with my sponsor and being as through as I could possibly be he looked at me and said , Gnon you missed something, and I said, and what was Jim, and he said you missed God, God should of been at the top of the list. You have a resentment against God. That was fifteen years ago I had to go and drink some more over that one.

It was Nemo that shed some light on the topic.

Have you gone backwards if you can actually write this post and have a vision to what is happening with you? Progress not perfection.

At 6 months I was moving away from the fellowship. I had my first sponsor and felt we weren't moving forward. I was frustrated. I felt let down by them, and the fellowship, that I didn't seem to have what others had. My sponsor wasn't progressing with me and luckily someone else saw this and they got me thinking about things and, later on, became my sponsor to take me through the steps. I was desperate for the solution and was willing, honest and open.

Since that time, the compulsion to drink has left me. However, from time to time, I get a fleeting moment that goes something like 'wouldn't a glass of red wine be nice now'. Luckily I am sprititually well enough, and on my program with HP and faith, to laugh it straight off. That to me is being spiritually well.

I am recovered not cured.

You are not alone and never need be again. Pray on this and keep with your HP....there really is a world beyond your wildest dreams available and 'in return for a bottle and a hangover, we are given the Keys to the Kingdom'. That promise came true for me :)

So...a program of action...what action you going to take here?

I'm sorry. Sucks sometimes.
I havent been exactly where you are at, but, I have had moments where I've asked myself is this it? I've gone through the steps, and this is it? But these moments quickly passed by going to a meeting, calling another alcoholic I connect with, and/ or some other connection with my HP through the form of random "coincidence" like bumping into an AA member at the grocery store *just* as I was thinking a bottle of wine looked appealing and really why not?
One thing is my sponsor, w/ almost 29 years now, took me through the steps patiently but quicky. We usually did one a week. She wouldnt really *let* me get stuck on 4 or on 8 or 9. And so I didnt.
I feel fortunate to be passionate about my recovery, because if I wasnt, I don't think I could make it through. And this isnt by my own doing so I don't really know how to explain that "passion" for it.
Except i was done. I was really really REALLY ready to be done drinking.

Do the steps now, to the best of your ability NOW.

Hello Tara,

There are a few things to analyse about your post and about the feelings you are now having. It may well pass but you would be wise to take great care so that you dont end up back in that awful hellhole of active alcoholism again. Relapse is often preceded by thoughts of drinking for a long time before it actually happens so there is time for you to take action that will prevent it.

It may be that you do not fully understand Step 1 or that you have not accepted that you are an alcoholic. Step 1 should leave you with a clear understanding about the exact nature of the problem. You should have knowledge of what it is that makes you want to drink (the mental obsession) and what would happen once a drink is taken (the physical craving). With this knowledge you will know that you cannot drink safely and you will be under no illusion about what will happen if you choose to take that first drink. If you do not have this understanding I would suggest doing Step 1 again; it is the only Step that you can do perfectly.

The feelings you have been having lately are a natural reaction to the fact that alcohol has been removed but you have not yet replaced it with an alternative way of dealing with life. Your sponsor is right about pressing on with the Steps, but only if you understand and accept Step 1. One thing that would help both yourself and your sponsor is if you were to write down your understanding of Step 1.

Step 2 refers to the insanity of alcoholism and your present thinking is a good example of that insanity. You know that drinking caused you all sorts of problems in the past but yet you are prepared to consider drinking again. It is this insane thinking that is put right by the Steps by Step 10 sanity will have been restored, or in other words that mental obsession for alcohol will be gone.

Along the way you will learn how to cope with people, places and things so that your thinking remains well balanced and you will have a means of dealing with life that does not involve alcohol. However, to get there you have a bit of work to do and the sooner you start the better for yourself. It is not rocket science and indeed the whole thing is quite simple, providing you have a sponsor who knows the Steps and a WILLINGNESS on your part to do the work.

For now, all you need is to go to meetings and look around. Study the people who have peace of mind and sobriety and BELIEVE that if it works for those people, it will work for you too. Then, make a DECISION to make use of a Higher Power to help you on the rest of the journey.

Hello Tara,

Below is my understanding of Step 1. Have a read and try to apply it to your own situation.
For those who are not interested in AA or 12 Step programmes, look away now and you wont be offended.


Step 1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol
that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 1 of the 12 Step Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous is about identifying the exact nature of the problem. Until the problem is understood it is pointless to try to apply a solution. Step 1 may be regarded as the foundation stone of an arch through which we can walk to freedom. Nothing that is going to last can be built without a solid foundation and it is only when Step 1 is understood and accepted that the remainder of the Steps should be considered.

The first part of Step 1 examines the reasons why we have become powerless over alcohol. Once this is understood there is a clear view of what will happen once the first drink is taken and of the difficulty of stopping again.

The second part of Step 1 deals with how our lives have become unmanageable. This failure to deal with people, places and things, or in other words living, has resulted in alcohol being used as an escape route from life.

Disease concept of alcoholism

Nine people out of ten can drink alcohol safely; they are at ease with alcohol.

One person in ten does not drink safely; he or she is away from ease or dis-ease
(dis meaning away from).

When a person consumes alcohol, the body immediately begins the process of breaking down the substance, as it does with anything else that is consumed. Incidentally, it should be remembered that alcohol is a form of poison to the human body. Enzymes get to work and the alcohol is broken down, first of all to a chemical called Acetaldehyde; then to Diacetic Acid; and then to Acetone. Finally, the Acetone is broken down into Water, Sugar and Carbon Dioxide and the body disposes of these in various ways.

Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book), Fourth Edition - The Doctors Opinion, page xxvi:

In this statement he (Dr. William D. Silkworth, M.D.) confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe - that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind.

The Doctors Opinion, page xxviii:

These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.

For some reason the alcoholic does not have enzymes of sufficient quantity or quality and the process of breaking down the alcohol is not completed as it should be. A certain level of acetone is retained in the body and it is this chemical that causes the allergy-like reaction and the physical craving for more alcohol. One drink sets off the craving and it becomes stronger with each subsequent drink, often leading to the well-known spree. The alcoholic then emerges feeling restless, irritable and discontented. He or she is also filled with guilt, remorse, resentment and self-pity. There is often a firm resolution never to drink again.

Each person has what could be described as an emotional barometer. When the barometer is balanced in the middle section, there is no need to drink. Then the emotional pressure rises above a certain level and the urge to drink becomes irresistible. A couple of drinks will restore the emotions to a balanced state and the barometer returns to the safe middle area. Therefore, alcohol works for this part of the problem. All would be well if the enzymes in the body broke down the acetone; they dont do a complete job and so the craving develops and the endless circle is of mental obsession and physical craving is set off again.

Mental Obsession and Physical Craving

The Doctors Opinion, page xxviii:

We doctors have realized for a long time that some form of moral psychology was of urgent importance to alcoholics, but its application presented difficulties beyond our conception.

The Doctors Opinion, page xxviii:

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope for his recovery.

The problem for the alcoholic is the physical craving that develops after one drink is taken. However, the craving will never occur if that first drink can be avoided. Therefore, the main part of the problem is in the mind - the mental obsession for alcohol. In order to recover, something has to change in the mind. That something has many names; it can be called a spiritual experience, where the answer comes in a flash, as it did to Bill Wilson. Not everyone will see the flashing lights; it is more common to get a spiritual awakening and this comes about as THE result of doing the 12 Step programme.

Another way to look at it is that the alcoholic must undergo a personality change. This has been described as: A complete readjustment and change in attitudes, values, opinions and outlooks. This does not mean that the alcoholic must lose his or her personality and become someone else; all that is required is a personality change sufficient to recover from alcoholism.

The length of sobriety is less important than the quality. You can observe some alcoholics at AA meetings who have not had a drink for many years but yet they struggle with alcoholism. They are what the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) calls restless, irritable and discontented. The alcohol has been removed but the emotional barometer is still there, only now there is no way of bringing it back to a normal level, something that alcohol used to do. Using the 12 Step Programme, we develop new ways of dealing with the emotions so that we need never drink again.

The Solution

The Doctors Opinion, page xxvii:

They believe in themselves, and still more in the Power which pulls chronic alcoholics back from the gates of death.

In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives.

Alcoholics are often people who have become self-centred, always wanting to run the show and to direct the drama. Along the way various defects of character or shortcomings have developed and these result in wrong thinking and wrong actions. As a result of all of these defects, the alcoholic builds up barriers between him or herself and the spirit that is within each person. The aim of the 12 Step programme is to tear down those barriers and establish a close contact with God. Somewhere along the way, a spiritual awakening takes place that will lead to recovery from alcoholism.

The Big Book refers to men and women who have RECOVERED from alcoholism. For them, the mental obsession that leads to the first drink has been removed.

The Doctors Opinion, page xxix:

On the other hand and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.

For more information on the 12 Step programme see:

Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book)
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous by Joe McQuany

I question how your prayer life is...

I found the longer I focused on myself with myself The squirrelyer I got . I could not pass on what I knew i needed to Do, which was to get clear enough in step work to learn that no matter what ...I would be Ok!! If I learned a new approach to all ares of my life.

For me that required me to say Yes ... that's me and continue seeking what I needed to address... that's my story :) Tens years worth lol!
Billy

No advice here just want to point out it seems every time I seen "I dunno" in your postings in the last something bad happened.

This is the reason there are 12 steps. If step1 and accepting our powerlessness was enough to stay sober then thats all we would do. If we are not moving forward we seem to move backwards. Gradually over time, sometimes a short time sometimes longer, the insane thoughts will creep back and start to outweigh the rational thoughts and we end up thinking about drinking and eventually relapsing. I think that those of us who do the steps dont just do them because we want to or because we think we will feel better if we do. In my experience we do them because we have found out that we cant stay sober without them. And we find that if we dont build on our acceptance of powerlessness by applying a solution then our acceptance starts to ebb away or it doesnt ebb away but we remain powerless and at the mercy of our insane thinking. I have relapsed because I didnt accept I was powerless. I have also relapsed with a full acceptance of powerlessness but nothing i could do about it as I had not connected with a power therefore still had no effective, reliable defence against the first drink. Accepting powerlessness is the thing that opens us up to looking for a solution it is not the thing that keeps us sober.

Thank you PJ. That was good. The "unmanageablility" part caught my eye. I am tired and obsessing because I can't find a "fix" but I know it is supposed to be spiritual. I am just not getting relief lately because I am not doing the work, so why won't I do the work, I dunno. Drinking would be suicide I am sure which is why I can't understand my obsession - I guess I think I can still roll the dice or that I "might as well" say fuckit. I know I am an alcoholic. It is still hard not to want to try for another escape. I dunno.

I am going to try to work on my step 4. I really think I have done the first 3 steps, but without getting the solution, I feel like it's inevitable to go backward. I don't understand my continued defiance with the program. Maybe I don't really WANT to feel better.

I know I am an alcoholic. I don't have any wish to go back to drinking a glass or two of anything. I know I can't stop once I start and I clearly I have the obsession part nailed. I just want relief for a minute.

Chris... I get what you are saying. I am just not making that leap for some reason.

Billy... Yes I am entirely too focused on myself. I have more fear today than I have ever felt. I don't know why but it makes me want to say fuckit. I do need to just have faith and get outside myself. I am taking 2 steps forward and 1 back and sometimes 3 back.

I know I'm rambling and scattered. I am just going to do my step 4 and maybe tomorrow call my doc about getting on an antidepressant. I just wish I had the patience and persistence to get the relief through the steps.

This recovery business is screwy. The disease can hit you back at any moment.
I fell hard off the pink cloud at about 9 months sober. At that point, I couldn't stand the meeting claptrap, my sponsor was lame, the books were so much print, and sobriety was for the birds.
I sat in this stew and continued stewing for a few days, and did not go to meetings or call or talk to anyone about it; just looked out the window, and I suppose, smoked.
But I did not want to put a foot on that road that led downhill.
Finally, I made a pan of brownies, ate about half of it, got on a sugar high, and made a deal with myself. This feeling was miserable, but I would give it till Christmas (another 6 months), and if I still felt this way I would go ahead and drink.
I felt better, slowly started back at meetings, and by Christmas was still in recovery, thank HP and the program, and my sponsor.

Taradactyl - even though my desire to drink was lifted - I have had times that I have felt like drinking over the years of my sobriety. But you know what? When I remembered my last drink or my last drunk - and then thought the drunk all the way through to the end - it seemed much less attractive.

Please remember your last and/or worst drunk. And know that it ALWAYS gets worse. Do you really want to launch into that again?

As to the steps - hon - you don't have to do them exactly right or 100%. Take a shot at the next step and keep trying - it will get better. You can take those steps as many times as you want to so if you can't do them 100% the first time around - you will sooner or later.

I think bambusue has a good idea - say to yourself "not now" At first I decided that if my life was not perfect by the time I was 75 I was going to get rip roaring drunk. i've changed my mind on that but at the time it helped - sort of like a relief valve. Good luck.