lots of guffa laughs

oh lionel! the one i passed was the "thanks i won't have sex". for some reason my eyes were already good enough to see clearly the bore for what he was and my brain was less damaged back then. i'd hate to say it but it could be i'd take on the whole of notre dame universary. these days... damn, i might even beg them at this stage in my life.....

LOL

I had trouble with all the THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

But singing I was either singing or fighting. Today I have given up the fighting but still enjoy to sing my poor neighbors. lol.

God Bless...

Lionel

OmGod too funny!!! Ha!!! Hey I'm from Georgia Makes perfect sense!!! But Lionel unlike E/c 's characters, I definitely was not innovative enough Nor Did I know enough About The AMERICAN CONSTITUTION Ha!!! while being in e bri ated !!!! Any way "Cheers Mate :)
Billy

Billy I love your Australian accent you sound just like us.lol

"Cheers Mate.

Here's another one

She'll Be Right Mate.

People would say your wife's leaving you. or your house is burning down. If you don't get that checked it could fall of.

And a tippickle Aussie answer would be

"She'll Be Right Mate."

God Bless.

Lionel

Any more jokes out there.

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there IS a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well Dad, you came home after 3 AM , drunk and delirious! Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door!"

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

As a doctor completed the examination of his ill patient he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

How many alcoholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one - he holds the lightbulb and the whole world revolves around him.

LOLOLOL!!!!!!

That was painful!

If that was painful what about this.

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs.Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we name him Sum Ting Wong.

Lionel, that is all fantastic, but you've forgotten the Aussie version of your Sunday school teacher story, So the bloke goes up to the sheila in the bar and says, "Do you want a drink?' "No", she says. "Do you want a drink?" "No" she says. "So a root's out of the question??"

Thanks, good way to wake up this early in the morning with a giggle.
Karen

Wendy you been watching me.lol

I thought that was at the club with a gut full of booze . When asking a young lady for a dance and after she has said no a couple of times .you politely ask what you said.lol

God Bless.

Lionel.

The Cuckoo Clock
The other night Sally was invited out for a night with "the girls." She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!", she said.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him, "Midnight." He didn't seem angry at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When she asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times; then said, 'Oh, Sh&*!'; cuckooed 4 more times; cleared its throat; cuckooed another 3 times; giggled; cuckooed twice more; and then tripped over the coffee table and passed gas."

Nude Woman in the Mirror

A woman, standing nude, looks into the bathroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the gunshot.



Barroom Bet

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again


Daily Dose of Wisdom
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is
afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to
stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than
everyone else looks?

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more
publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always
starts tomorrow.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in
every joint, you are probably dead.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.'

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do


Can I get an AMEN