hi you sound like a person who has an addiction....pot and booze are the key things that need to be changed....you must stop.....or it will kill you....or you could go crazy or end up in jail for a long time or a little stretch.....it is the three things we alcoholics have to look forward to if we keep drinking....

I too smoked pot daily when I was drinking and that was one of the things that gave up first was the pot....I gave that up in 1982.....and the drinking continued until 1995....then I joined into AA and found the solid ground of fellowship and God that I needed to stay sober to today....

I hope you will step up and put the plug in the jug and give up the booze and pot....the problem is that these are symptoms and they are not the disease.....so you will need some kind of support to help out with the thoughts that going to come to mind when you do give up those tools you use to live life.....I suggest checking out an AA group.....go to at least ten meetings and see the similarity between you and those in the rooms.....sober living is possible....using AA helps today when other things fail....so give it the college try!

Hello Gettint2getha,

You are very welcome to the forum and you belong here if you say so – there is no other requirement. You have had a terrible past and naturally, you want something better for your children.

When I was where you are now, I wanted people to sugar-coat the truth and tell me it wasn’t really that bad. I didn’t like it much when the reality of my life was pointed out and it took a while for it to sink in because I had become so good at believing my own fantasy. Therefore, based on my own experience I know that I would not be doing you any favours if I didn’t point out that you are in a pretty serious situation.

The first thing that I would urge you to do is to learn a bit about alcoholism. I will post a link to a very good video at the bottom of this post and I would suggest watching it from start to finish. You will then be in a better position to judge whether or not you are an alcoholic.

I had totally forgotten about some of the things, like the numb fingertips, that I felt during the last few months of drinking. Those things that you described are identical to what I experienced back then, and I am an alcoholic.

If you too are an alcoholic, you are suffering from a progressive condition. That means that even though you are drinking a lot right now, it will get worse. I am guessing that your children are still young but even at that age they will sense that all is not well and it will make them anxious. If your drinking progresses as it does with other people who drink like you do, it will become increasingly difficult for you to function. Even now, imagine if there was a serious emergency. You are trying to be a good mother but the reality is that you are not there for your children.

What then should you do? Well, you have made a good start by posting here but I fear that it will not be enough. As I see it, and I could be wrong, it looks like you need professional help. You cannot ignore this problem in the hope that it will go away as it will only get worse. Talk to your doctor as soon as possible and be completely honest. You may need to go for treatment but you need to be willing to do whatever it takes. Do not be ashamed if you are an alcoholic as it is an illness. The only cause for shame would be not doing anything about it.

Sorry for being so blunt with you but it is only the truth that will set you free. If you accept the reality of where you are and seek help, there is a bright future ahead. If you ignore that reality, you and your children are headed for disaster. You will get much support and prayer from people on this forum who know exactly what you are going through. The title of your post is The 1st Step and the first step is to admit that you have a problem. After that, it is about finding a solution.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

You know only you can decide if you're an alcoholic. I posted here and then I found my way into a group of aa. Saved my life.

I suggest you ask your dr about the numbness in your hands. Sounds like diabetes related. There is lots of sugar in alcohol.

And the reason you can't sleep is that your body is ready for the next hit of booze or dope

Sounds like it's serious. Get help now before it's too late

1is2many

Thank U all so much for your insight & encouragement. I wanna say that I really do feel welcome here & I also Thank U for that as well.. I don't know what to do w this, but I kno that it is time to face it. March is usually a very tough monh for me. My 1st son passed away, his 8th Birthday passed a few wks ago- I have been sooo sad ever since. I feel like Nobody would understand, so I keep all of that to myself.. Feels like I'm gonna Burst. My Faith is being tested like never before- All my Beliefs shaken.. Thank U again for being here to listen. I hope U ALL win this fight!!

Growing up I was told to only talk about the good and just sweep the bad feelings under the carpet. It is classic alcoholic behavior and was one of the reasons why I drank. See if I didn't talk about it then it didn't happen well this led to me hiding from my issues in a bottle. Then I became to rely on booze to cope. It was a snake that turned on me and injected poison in me and almost killed me. I was digesting my own organs. I was sick.
But on June 9 a few years ago I went to a meeting in a church and for the first time was able to talk about those deep down secrets I was hiding. Now I don't have to drink anymore because when things are upsetting me I don't repress and hide from them , I just deal. Life is better sober. Cmon!
1-2

Sorry for your loss of your son. That must be difficult. But guess what? Today I was early and was talking to this guy in my group and he told me his son had died when he was 21 from a brain aneurism. This guy was like 70 so I would guess it had happened 20 years ago. He talked to me about it and then we went into the meeting. It is healthy to find someone who has gone thru what you are going thru and they will help to guide you how to deal. Remember that you deserve to be happy and free
1-2

I am sorry you have been dealt so many shitty hands. You never deserved that growing up, and even now. I too struggled with an Alcoholic Father and a Bipolar Mother. We weren't dirt floor poor, but we were pretty damn close. I had my first drink at 10. I was in a car crash where my cousin was killed when I was 11, which made me develop PTSD and eventually the RA&PsA I have now. I was beaten and bullied until I was about 13 and put my foot down. (I got into a really nasty fight and was asked not to return to that school) I was scrawny, awkward, weird, entirely too tall, and my fashion sense was horrible, ACCORDING TO THEM.

I certainly have learned that I am a gypsy soul that can't be tamed. An empath that feels too much and loves too much and cares too much. Especially for those who never gave an F about me. I had to learn to let go of a lot of people who did me no good. And though I grieve the loss of them every once in a while I know I am on a better road now. Doing this made me no longer want to drink and saved me from myself.

But enough about me, you my love are an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people! You have a chemical dependency that you need to seek professional medical assistance. YOU CAN NOT DETOX FROM ALCOHOL WITHOUT MEDICAL HELP! I yell this because I know people who have and died trying. In no way would I want you to risk your life getting sober. Getting sober is extremely important. Almost all problems that you will encounter along the way are going to be worse or unsolvable if you were to continue to drink. I understand this from personal experience. I hope that you take the little bit of advise I can give. Find a trusted friend or family member who can stay with your children and check yourself into the hospital. They will help you detox. When you are discharged, get yourself into outpatient counselling. At this point you will know if you will benefit from a group (like AA) or if you should continue one on one. Please do this before the Law becomes involved, they will make everything 100 times more difficult than it needs to be, the Law does not care about you or your family. It is better to start on the road to a new life now than to get wrapped up into a situation that is out of your control. Help is out there, you just need to want it. It sounds like you already do. The best of my wishes to you, I hope it all goes forward in the positive for you.

Geeze, this really does break my heart. I understand having kids and wanting to give them everything you can.
Listen, I don't care what you call it, it's all addiction. I go to different meetings at times. I respect them by identifying as whatever the group relates to, but it's still all addiction to me.
Sounds like it's got a pretty good hold on you, but I really think you need to get some help soon. Someday your kids are going to wonder what happened to mommy, and that's not fair or right. Addictions kill people sooner or later, but it happens, and taking sleeping pills along with drinking is a sure way of that happening.
I am talking from experience. I was hooked on booze when I was married, and I took coke just for some time out for me. I took sleeping pills to shut off my mind at night because it would race. I smoked pot all the time too. I thought life was pretty good. Later I got into heroin. It finally got very hard just trying to hold it all together.
I overdosed one night after putting the kids to bed. My wife was out, but somehow my mother in law happened to hear my breathing wasn't right, and she called 911. I woke up in the hospital with tubes down my throat to keep me breathing. My chest was very sore. I later learned that they had to shock my heart to get it going again. I really didn't understand anything about addictions back then, and after I got home just brushed it all of as if it was just some minor mishap, and the first thing I did when I got home was crack a beer, and on it went.
Looking back now I can see that I never really was there for my children or wife. Sure I tried my best to love them with all my heart, but I wasn't there in mind or spirit. Addictions have such a cunning way of fooling and lying to you, that you actually believe it. Truth is that I was only able to love my children as much as my addictions allowed me to. I wish I had really been there for them with a sober mind that can really love them. See, in addiction, we can't be real. Our minds are altered and addictions dictate everything we do. Where we go, who we see, what we do or don't do, and all the while we think we are in control. Addictions lie to you. Wants you to believe that everything is your choice, but all the while it grows until you just can't get out. Then we only have three things that will happen. End up in an institution, end up in prison, or we die from it.
If you really want to be there for your children, and really love them, then try to get some help. I think you already know what the outcome is going to be if you don't. It's not easy, but your kids deserve to have you fully.There is help out there, and a lot more these days. Don't let this happen to them. Wish you the best. James

Please, if you want to live long enough to see your kids have grandkids, see your doctor asap! Your doctor can point you in the right direction and will discuss with you what your treatment options are as well as do a complete physical to see how much damage, if any, your alcohol addiction has caused. Your doctor will be the first one to offer the support, you so desparately need! Keep in touch with us because the path you take on your road to recovery, just might help someone else!

We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless