Um .. Where does one start about yesterday? I don't know what the fuck happened that the rage boiling over manifested into a literal attack of our politicians, but my God. I am your typical liberal type, just swallow it in passive self destruction, and though i got right up there to the cliff's edge, i walked it back.

I feel there are others who prefer to go postal, and clearly their choice was demonstrated publicly for all the news media to writhe in frenetic catastrophic ectasy over the whole debacle. I know we are all angry right now. If this pandemic and it's fallout hasn't impacted you in some way that you may be a sociopath. Just sayin.

The grief ..it's everywhere. All the pure joys people take in the most basic of things, like playing sports or having loved ones gather, celebrating the moments that really mean something, are denied. If you had a 2020 wedding venue, i mean, ouch. 

I realized yesterday that i was in crisis. I reached out to you people, i vented what was happening deep down to drive these triggers, and i texted a friend who is also on her path to sobriety. It was like 6:30am & i am sure she was thrilled about that but i am rude in general.

She managed to give me perspective, and encouraged an actual AA meeting. Her mom is my friend and she called me as well and talked me back from the precipice. I explained my Slav husband's gypsy curse and how i always thought it was bullshit but now i am amending my position. She had pearls of wisdom that let me lift out of the attack on my psyche. I also may need to track down real gypsies in Michigan and get some curse work done. 

My dog seemed worried as well. He was bouncing his tennis ball in the kitchen, thudding it around so comically that it flickered that little spark of joy, and it chased out the darkeness. i suddenly realized I needed to get busy being productive. I can't flake everytime i have the squeeze put on me. I am stronger than that. 

Then the shit hit the fan. Whole damn world lost it's damn mind! It is not a movie. There was real cost, real blood spilt over a delusion. This cancer of the mind that pushes you to want to believe a lie because the truth is too painful. People can't be dying, this virus is a fiction, there is no future, democracy is a failed experiment. Maybe those aren't things anyone can wrap their heads around. Maybe it doesn't have to be our reality if we gloss it with enough illusion that the illusion is more real. Then the machine was sentient..