I know this, and I still am reluctant to not withold information from you or people who need it to possibly survive.  If I am keeping the solution to alcoholism for myself, I usually am not caring enough about and 8th and 9th step agenda, that heals me.  

I then have to back up, and ask myself, why do I think I do not deserve to heal, and why do I think you do not deserve help?  The solution is not even my message, and all I have to do is memorize it, after applying it, and believe it will work for others.  What might be the problem if I have to ask myself why am I not wanting to care, through sharing to others what is a reality?  

Well, it could be an inherent, subtle but monsterous selfishness that is so powerful, it uses deception, of it's own material, to paint a picture that others do not matter, especially when they are just relying on what God has given them, which is their own self.  It could just be one big lie, that I matter more than others, which actually gives me great company in this world.    

If I back up even more, why am I needing to be "entirely" ready to have defects of character removed?  Is it for me or for others?  If I have defects of character functioning when I am supposed to be sharing a message, will that message be distorted or unhelpful?  

If I back up even more so, have I been confident that I can tell others what REALLY is bothering me?  Do I have the ability to be honest?  Can I honestly believe I have no power, to be what I really think I am capable of, which is someone who can take control of their own life like a God can do?  

If I honestly (or dishonestly) think I can still control my life, with much power, why would I want to heal bridges and help others?  Why would I care if your bridge is still destroyed while mine is back up to par?  If that is the case, why would I want to believe is something other than myself?  Why would a "me first" be a problem for you?    

I have found, whenever I have trouble in life, especially in relating to others, and wanting to be in existence with them, it is usually a defiant desire to not want to be a subject of God, or a power greater than myself, who fear tells me, knows everything I know, everything others do not know about me, and anything I will ever not know.  

"Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity."

Am I being honest when I ask myself if it is possible that a God could only want me to be doing well, and it is not that big of a deal if others aren't?  I am not being honest if I am living a life if that nature, and it all goes back to powerlessness.  This asset of powerlessness, as illogical as that sounds, always gives me the best vantage point when wondering "what is next?"  Reminding myself of my own powerlessness creates a need to open my mind up to a power, which I know not of if I am knowing of my own selfishness only.  If I am not open to sharing, caring, helping others, or being powerless, I am capping my ability to grow spiritually, which is the meat and potatoes of getting and staying sober.  Why would I want to maintain sobriety if it is dull and a regression spiritually, mentally, and physically? 

So here we go, I am powerless over alcohol, and my life is unmanagable.  I have come to believe that a power greater than myself, God, has a monopoly on the solutions, and that alcoholism is not a God.  I can decide that this burden, alcoholism, does not have to be given my will and my life, and that something greater that it, God, can, and if I do that, it will help me like alcoholism has never had the power to do.  That decision if committed to will eventually turn into a reality where alcoholism is even less powerful than me, when it once used to be so dominant I had no choice but to give in.  I can then after those revelations see that me being all about me, me being too afraid to say it out loud to others, and me lying to myself about those two realities, is the root of all my troubles and negativity in life.  I can then tell someone else that, and they can either agree or disagree, it doesn't matter, as long as I know it so much I can confidently tell someone else, and it frees me because it is truth.  I can then bond with this power that is greater than both I and alcoholism, to gain more clarity, helping me build on my new found information that I am the problem, but if I listen and learn from the power greater than everything else, will become a solution.  Becoming a solution when always a problem will need humility, backed by great believe, honestly, and unselfishness in order to go forward.  I then can see who my ignorance harmed, and help them going forward by not harming them through ignorance any longer. 

What do you think about all this?  Is this your experience?