I heard a speaker tape once, and the guy was saying most of his sponsees relapse either over sex or checks.  Meaning relationships or money issues. 

There is an interesting portion in the book Alcoholics Anonymous in the Family Afterward (pg. 127) that goes as follows.  "But he must see the danger of over-concentration on financial success.  Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first.  For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress, it never preceded."  

It talks about how it is my problem that I created problems and was a problem when it comes to money, which I always turn into a reason to have better sex.  God wants me to share my recovered spirit with women, women who he wishes me to be vulnerable and open up to, I've been so wrong to women in regards to not being all that I can for them.  This guilt is binding me to my old ways, my old thoughts of fearing how well they cut into my plan of being money driven over everything.  

God served me a good dose of humility lately in where I had an uptick in income.  The guilt of being selfish in the past crept up and persuaded me to "get" a girlfriend to share the new wealth with.  The humbling portion was I thought the woman I wanted would want me to give her money and also wanted to have sex with me.  I assume both of these were realities, but I was to find out she wouldn't take my money and didn't want to have sex.  I made the experience worse by thinking she was crazy after knowing her response to my offering.  I did some work on me, what my agenda was, and now I see, I'm crazy, and she's really out of my league.  

It has made me crawl towards God.  I felt rejected, and I felt shame.  Pride, greed, selfishness, a fear of rejection, and shame were the driving forces that made me think I could have what I wanted when it came to another human being.  There was lots of dishonesty and inconsideration I could calculate but could not use as a reason to yield.  I thought the dishonesty and inconsideraton, well I assumed, would be forgiven by the woman.  The dishonesty and the inconsideraton was probably the fatal blow seeing it came after an intial flood of honesty that made me attractive more so than not.    

My Mother kicked me out of the house when I was young.  It forced me to survive and opened my mind and eyes to how serious life needs to be taken at certain times when God needs you to grow.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell the woman who recently said no to my money and time thanks, but her decision brought me much closer to God.  

It's over now, I am back to being the sane person who can appreciate being down to earth much more than being anything other, and it was a painful experience.  The pain of it made me consider what drives myself, but more so my thoughts and who has been influencing me lately.  

I am driven by an insecure need to have more money.  This has required not meeting God half-way in the beginning of the day asking for his will regarding what I do to earn and grow.  I chase money not caring if God approves.  This is wrong.  It's all God's money anyway.  I see now that God didn't allow my crush to say yes because he knew and probably was telling her I was using it as leverage to control.  I am more impressed with her that she was able to see who I was being though.  I couldn't see it but now I can.  That's the real harm, the real harm is I cut myself off from this awesome person by trying to bond with them.  I was really trying to be awesome but just couldn't be anything other than a fool.      

I was being a self-willed, self-directed, and self-reliant manipulator trying to play God, thinking I was too great to be said no to.  The uptick in income must have activated a lesser character inside of me that thought he was invincible and such an offering of goodness to another, denial and rejection weren't possible.  I see now that I was easy to reject and nothing but bad business for someone trying to live the good life.    

I was wrong, and my thinking was sick.  It was making her sick, and my feelings have been so negative with self-hate for myself.  Just two months ago I was walking on water in my mind, and we were flirting comfortably, but now I made enough mistakes that my future is in jeopardy outside of staying sober.  I was driven so much these last couple of years to find the perfect sex partner and the perfect path to annual incomes that this rejection, and it's authority and power, are making me cool-ish with being just an average dude who isn't anything special.  I never asked God directly what his will was for my sex life and my money life.  My defective agenda still for those two areas of life earned me a critical rejection that probably in my life span of recovery has been top five things I really had to double down work wise to stay sober from.    

The point of talking about sex and checks are the defects it takes to make them dependable options.  I need to depend on lust, greed, pride, a need to control, a need to manipulate, a commitment for more, if I am going to depend on my ideas of what money and sex mean in life.  I've been taught by God that love, gratitude for what is given, humility, letting go, letting others live and be free, and being happy with what I have are the ways to sanity and freedom.  I wasn't aware I was so ignorant in these two areas because I earn well and women show me their attention and their selves almost always.  I feel terrible that I cannot be everything for them, and I resent God because he can.  Jealousy has been a constant theme in this current undertow.  

I know from other members that if I depend on anything other than God, emotional pain I am going to experience.  Depending on the approval of women, and putting all my chips into that basket, can have negative consequences for my sanity.  It's not about women though, and it's not about their approval, it's more so about my own defective agenda, and my immature belief system that I could meet expectations consistently as a person who needs help.  It is more practical to accept that I disappoint lots of people of all genders because of my alcoholism.  I will disappoint them further if I am not depending on God, and when I am depending on money and sex for my wholeness and happiness, it's always a losers outcome.

I also tend to dominate others who think they can compete with no shame, regrets, or remorse.  Would you want to date someone who is dominating you with no shame, regret, or remorse?  Would you want to work with or have to co-exist with that person, not being able to trust if it is for good reason either?  No and no probably are the most sane answers.  So this rejection, unlike the others prior, which made me more so defective because I was denying it was me who was the cause of the rejections, has me wanting to not be me, and that is both good and bad.  It's good because I am admitting I need change in these two areas but more so in the bridge I have built by my self in these two areas relation.  It's bad because I am hating myself the more I see who I really am.  At this point it is important for me to know the 3rd step, in where God has availed his help to care and for my will and life.  God has not the will or desire to reject the sick, and the helpless, both of which am I, so that gives me comfort in knowing grace will be what will be replacing my defective mind in regards to more money and better sex.  

A defective agenda has me.  It's manifestation was me trying to take that woman away from what had her grounded and really operating.  It started with the income though.  The great news is it was an experience that showed me God loves others too and is all around caring for us all.  It makes me feel like I am not special in great ways.    

Instead of saying, thank you for the income and doing an unselfish thing like being modest about my blessing and saving it for the future, I wanted more, I wanted a woman to blow it on.  I've had this dream since I was a little kid, and to now know it's not God's will for me, was shocking at first, but now is becoming part of a larger truth of how to move on.  

If I am honest about sex and checks, nobody could ever love me more than I love myself, to me, and I'll always need more money.  Those are two godless qualities that I need help with, and I think the woman saw that clearly.  The great news is I don't want to act like I love myself more than a woman I want to sleep with can.  It's up to God how much love I get, and I love myself out of insecurity and low self-esteem, if I am thoroughly honest, I hate myself.  

Knowing God cannot hate his own, but won't let him have his own ways, all the time, or any time, is making me take it back to a time mentally when I first got sober.  My love for others and my ability to lose control and let God and others take their own freedoms whole heartedly made for an awesome experience that was full of security and effectiveness.

It will call for the embracing of fear, and the further embracing of an ideology that God is no match for fear and will uproot fears from my path forward through again, grace and thinking of others needs and lives first before I want them to be part of my own.