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resentment

nelliefay
nelliefay
I am struggling with a long standing resentment. Being made to feel wrong and criminal for HAVING a resentment, just makes me feel worse. And worse. It's a natural feeling, and no one knows what the context is.
Yes, I don't want to continue to suffer this resentment - I want to let go - but when I'm told I'm WRONG to even HAVE this feeling, I end up more screwed up.
I'll just keep praying. Self acceptance is like heaven - that's when I don't put conditions on my feelings, like 'it's OK to feel this, but not that, and it's only OK for a certain length of time.' I'm talking about feelings only - I don't act out.
How do you accept your resentments AND let them go? I'd like to hear from people who've had long standing, deep resentments that they really struggled with - and how they came to a shift. Thanks. I really just want to hear other people's experiences.
drcopperhead
drcopperhead
Anger, yep it's an emotion and its natural. Even those spiritual giants we hear about and get told to emulate experienced it - turning over tables and crying in anguish...where along the way did we believe that we were supposed to be more than human??
ill second that
drcopperhead
drcopperhead
my first sponsor had all these worksheets and books. i did some of them. we parted ways when i was too slow for his taste. he heped me immensely at the time. he though i had some resentments against my father for leaving when i was 8. my dad died when i was 18. i dont think i cried at his funeral but ive cried at everyone since. my sponsor wanted me to go to my dads grave and sit quietly for half an hour, then spend half hour talking to my dad. he wanted me to do this 3 times a week for 3 weeks. i did. i think it helped and i know it didnt hurt. i remember thinking what the other people at the graveyard thought about that guy just sitting on the ground in the middle of the cemetary
drcopperhead
drcopperhead
i kept a journal for a long time. it helps to write stuff down sometimes
billwfriend
billwfriend
hope you got some good insight here....I know friends who drank over resentments....and that was at 20yrs of sobriety....so it can be a bad thing....
drcopperhead
drcopperhead
i tried to get my ex to understand y i couldnt stop drinking for her. gave her an AA book and told her to read some of it. she never understood. idk if she does to this day. i have to try to keep my side of the street clean. thats the best i can do. i cant make someone understand or forgive me. its the old windshield thing. u have a big windshield and a small rearview mirror because u r supposed to b looking forward not backward.
BornBroken
BornBroken
I have had many resentments over the years. In the beginning years of my sobriety I used the twelve steps to help me through them. As I got older I realized all of those people I thought harmed and done wrong to me, those same people who I resented. Well in truth what I discovered and was an eye opener for me, it wasn't them that I resented. I discovered it was me that I resented, not what they did to me, but what I had done to myself.

Try to see those people from their prospective, like yourself they are probably lacking something inside. As humans we are all lacking, and our frustrations come out as resentments or hurting people. Good luck to you, you will do fine.
weinere46
weinere46
Dear Nellie,
What I suggest you do first is this. Realize that forgiving those that have harmed you is FOR YOU, not them. Hell, you DO NOT have to tell them you forgave them at all. And forgiving does NOT mean forgetting, EVER.
Carrying a resentment harms SELF, as it causes stress and stress kills. Under these conditions I was able to forgive those that have harmed me, OR MY HEALTH, not theirs.
akacountrygirl
akacountrygirl
Friend....I had many resentments at one time. I can only tell you that if you forgive the people involved...(because they r only human) you will have such a weight lifted off of you.
You have to forgive....and don't forget to forgive yourself in the process.

best wishes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Excellent posts. I find some resentments present themselves at inopportune times. It can be months or years before I remember the hurt, but for me those memories come and go even though some have been resolved long ago. I have learned to think about whatever it is and then go find friends or have a snack at a great restaurant.

There are events I had no control over (alcoholic father, mean stepmother, a divorce). I have one life, and at this time, I will not let difficult memories ruin one moment of what I have left. I did have a few months visiting a wonderful therapist once a week - in that time, I went back to college, started a marvelous new job, joined a ski club and met lots of interesting and fun people. Some days are easy, other days are work!
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