I had a resentment against a person in my life, and to anyone looking they were for good reason. Well, this person finally saw how horrible they were. Hit bottom you could say. With that, I got all that I wanted by way of their apology and admitting their faults, etc. It was what I had fantasized about for years-my resentments being acknowledged and vindicated.

In the end though-I felt empty. It did not matter. My resentments that I thought could be resolved by them, on the outside of me, were not. It did not matter. It is all in me, and I gave power to them-thinking that their realization would make me better. Bittersweet for sure.

I am not sure that makes sense-but it was a profound learning experience for me. I am where it begins and ends when it comes to resentments-no matter what.

No, you are not wrong to even have this feeling, you are a human being. I can only share my own experience on this but I found that hanging onto resentments was wrong and dead wrong for me, an alcoholic, as they could lead me fast track to the next drink.

It's no wonder the Big Book says they are the number one offender and destroy more alcoholics than anything else - I'm paraphrasing here but I don't think they were kidding.

So what needs to be done? Well I am a great believer in Steps 10, 11 and 12 on a daily basis to nip stuff like that in the bud.

You say yours is a long standing resentment so that raises a red flag on whether it went back to something you could have dealt with in Step 4 onward. Whatever, I would suggest you talk about it with your sponsor and deal with it now.

I find that resolving that resentment is essential for MY sake! If I want to move on and be free of the negativity I cannot let it dominate or own me. I am not able to change the past, today is what is important and if I take care of today I will have, with God's help, the spiritual strength to live a good tomorrow.

Nelliefay, it's good you raised this and I found that life is not necessarily about justice but getting free of what can harm me further.

I agree with what KK said too.

I kept praying for this person (the father of my children) whom I even planned how to kill when drunk. I talked over with my sponsor, understood a lot of things, saw my own faults as well. I called him and made my amend - he just couldn't understand it at all or simply misunderstood. It didn't matter because by now, I am hardly think of him, if I do, I turn to God straight away.

Really nice post I can relate to now at this time in my life. The only thing I am telling myself now is that I am not taking care of myself by letting these resentments take up precious real estate in my brain and heart. Maybe it's a bandaid solution for now, but it gets me through the day. I am searching for closure on this as well. Hugs

A resentment shouldn't make you feel wrong - other than eating at you and keeping you away from a wholeness of spirit. I prayed about my boss's actions with myself and others for weeks, then one day the resentment and anger was gone. He didn't affect me one way or the other...

Hugs,
Dennis

thanks for your replies. With this one, I prayed for her for weeks, the resentment settled. But it's tied to core abuse when little, and seems to have a life of its own. Yes, I feel better to air this. I've managed to 'let go' of other deeply held resentments, but this one is persistent. And, yes, it endangers my sobriety.
Last December, my aunty (whom I resent) sent me $50 for Christmas. I hadn't spoken to her for four years, after the last time she attacked me. So I thought 'what would it hurt to ring her and say thanks?'
So I rang her to thank her for the money, and she triggered me with something she said. I went into rage and resentment and wanting to drink. I was on my knees that night, praying for the resentment to go. I rang people, went to daily meetings for 3 weeks, read the literature. the obsession to drink finally eased. There's more to it - I also felt extremely controlled by my aunty - which made me want to drink to escape.
Thing is, I don't feel this resentment most of the time. But, recently, I've been in crisis about the childhood abuse - and the resentment towards aunty has re surfaced.
Telling myself I shouldn't be resentful doesn't help, it compounds the whole thing.

If it's a resentment dealing with child abuse I hope you will get some counselling with someone qualified professionally, outside of AA.

Even if you had counselling before, you likely need it again. All anyone in AA can do is share their experience of how they got and stay sober, dealt with resentments etc. AA is fine for help with finding a spiritual path but not for anything that requires professional help, and it clearly says so.

Yeh thanks Antonia. I really am keen to hear how other people deal with long term, deep resentments. The type that are hard to shift. Or is it just me, that gets them? Anyway, I do get counselling. Spoke to someone today, which was good - just to feel some self acceptance.
I'm replying again because I've had a little breakthrough - I wrote a letter to my aunty, saying exactly what I want to say.
I am not intending to send it - will run it past a few friends tomorrow - but my aunty is old and frail. The letter is by no means abusive, just assertive. Anyhow, I feel a shift just from verbalising what's 'eating' at me. I understand I need to let go - will read the letter to my friends tomorrow, and burn it.
It's always a relief when a deep, long term resentment shifts. I've already had a few that shifted with help.

Hi, Nellie
I had so much of this and can still have it if I don't at least remember I tend to feel overly responsible for even things that don't exist but reminds me of things that show total disregard for others involved ! I understand it but I'm always wanting let it ramble around in my head ,instead of just accepting whoever it may be cannot or maybe will not ever see it any other way than reacting, pushing away their own memories connected to whatever it is that is going on with a given interaction, that may be causing them to project out there defense mechanisms! I found both therapy and venting very useful! Along with some research on cause and effects for perpetrator symptoms and like me those with very sensitive personalities! Here's a link for Alice Miller she spent her life getting a sense of her own suffering and in how to address it! Oh and also I am avid proponent on meditation practice also and find a shift in prospective too can be achieved in quiet time!
Billy

http://eqi.org/amiller.htm

I met a Jewish woman when I was I the hot tubs at the Esalen Institute. She told me about her childhood in Austria. She walked to school with her friends every day. Suddenly they would not walk with her. She said to the What did I do? What are you parents telling you about me? She was bewildered. Then the Nazi went into full force. The family realized that they must escape.
They decided to travel in small group so they would not be recognized. She made it to Switzerland with her Uncle. The rest of the family was captured and sent to death camps.
As an adult she learned that she had to forgive the Nazis. She said I decided that they did not know any better because they were stupid. Once she forgave them she said the gut wrenching feeling left me. I was able to go on with my life. A monk taught me that with forgiveness is a letting go, but it does not mean that a lesson hasnt been learned. She knows that she must stop this kind of prejudice from gaining political power.
I had a problem with my brother in law. He really hurt me and I drank with resentment every time he did something to break up the family. Sober I learned to forgive him. That is the way he is. The lesson I learned was not to trust him. Now when he pulls his stunts I tell my wife, Why get upset. He will always do that. Ignore him! He is as Shakespeare wrote a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing I am nice to him. I must see him because he lives at the familys home. There is no longer resentment. He goes on with his miserable life and I ignore it. It goes in one ear and out the other with no resentment.

Hey Nelliefay,

For me it seems to be too simple to say "don't be angry" like it's a moral/religious issue, wrong to feel this way like you said.

Anger, yep it's an emotion and its natural. Even those spiritual giants we hear about and get told to emulate experienced it - turning over tables and crying in anguish...where along the way did we believe that we were supposed to be more than human??

But yep, I truly believe today that holding onto the feeling or the memory is not useful...gets in the way of living day to day, makes life a little harder for me.

I think this fella might be on to something:
http://www.thenewyoga.org/Anger%2520Awareness%2520versus%2520Anger%2520Deficiency.pdf

P

thank you for your input, Paul, Billy and Impermanence. I did feel a lot better today, and even thought of ringing said aunty just for a chat. But it's too risky - she is threatened by me, and likely to say something hurtful. So, I let go.
Later, on the way to a meeting, I felt a resurgence of my resentment that my whole family ignored me (for a decade at least) when I had a mental breakdown. I thought 'damn! there's resentment again.'
So - I'm a work in progress. I imagine giving these feelings to higher power to take care of. Like I said I can 'get rid of' or wish these feelings away. I find that airing it all, by talking about it, is really helping.
I did have an old resentment shift a few months ago - towards my brother. I actually plucked up the courage to voice to him a few of my grievances. He apologised, and then I said 'it's up to us to make this more of a family'. My long standing resentment towards him evaporated right then and there. I keep in touch with him now, and go visit. We'll never be close, but we can find common ground. And, he does care in a limited way - but that's all he's capable of. He's very much affected by growing up in an alcoholic abusive home.
ANYWAY, the resentment towards him is gone. I just have to practice this and practice that, and trial and error, to get free of the other resentment.
The big thing for me is to not get stuck in feeling JUSTIFIED. and, by the same token, not get into bashing myself up for being resentful. Just - gentle self acceptance and willingness to let go.

I know how it feels to have a resentment for years and years.
I don't personally think the feelings are wrong, they just are.
In my case 20 years ago I thought I might have to have this person killed. Yes, seriously. Fantasy but still thought about it and even talked about it. I did inventory multiple times and while I could see my part (holding onto the pain) I couldnt accept it. I tried a god box, but still felt the resentment from time to time.
More recnetly this person has been accused of the same type of crime he's guilty of with me and my sister. I was asked to testify. After talking to my sponsor, and my therapist and doing more inventory I decided not to. I feel like I'm just done with it. My HP can have the situation. I don't need to weigh in and it doesnt weigh on me the same way it used to. I have a freedom from it i haven had in my entire life. that's the good news .The "bad" news is it took my entire life to actually surrender it.

This could be one of the best, most useful threads I've read here yet.

Nelliefay, I am in awe of you for the way you are working through these things, and I so appreciate your sharing your progress. You have received some outstanding responses as well.

Hearing that someone has been made to feel wrong about having resentments is a hot button for me. I was brought up like that, not allowed to be angry or hurt or anything else negative, and punished if every dared express the smallest disappointment. I learned to "chew quietly" on my resentments for comfort, and it took a lot of work to give that up. I'm still not 100% successful at letting it go completely all the time.

I have read that anger and resentment are protective, psychological responses to hurt; we feel the anger so we don't have deal with the pain. In a number of instances, I have had to actively seek the hurt and feel it thoroughly in order to heal. I had lots of help from friends, a great counselor, and my AA sponsor. You are NEVER wrong to feel your feelings. I think digging deep is the only way to get through stuff.

Thank you so much for posting. You are a fantastic example of how to work it right and the blessings that follow when you do.

thanks stickywick for your honesty, and Laura for your encouragement.