I was becoming irritated at reading the same things over and over in the big book.  So I have decided to read each of the stories, I've never done that before.  The story I read today, the story after Doctor Bob's Nightmare, had a suggestion in it that I should not use my energy to try to get God to agree with the things I thought up were the best for me.  I should just commit to only seeking and knowing his will.  

That automatically spurs a shot of fear on the inside of me, when I become open minded to that being a reality.  That shot of fear tells me I will need to let go of my own self-reliance, and no longer fear the ungodly things in life that might not understand what I will have to do to do God's will.  

The more I grow and the more I do the right things, the more I see how in the way I become when I run this show, try to run others shows, try to manipulate others minds, do not pray for others, judge others.  One interesting thing though that is happening is this.  I have been able to become clarity driven on the importance of grace, and how it is probably the single most important manifestation of there being a higher power for me personally.  Through this appreciation, I have been granted an ability to administer grace to my self, but it has come from honesty, honesty within me, myself, and I.  I have found this through examinging my behaviors and others responses to those behaviors I was considering as not a big deal erroneously, and that after examining honestly, actually were a very big deal, and preventing me from accepting who I am more securely.  

I've noticed that what humility is to power, honesty is to grace.  I will continue to be fed humility and can decide to be honest about that, and that tells me God is trying to make me powerfully graceful.  

That is the complete opposite of what I was several years ago when I had thought I was bound to a life of being a loser who drank a lot and did drugs just to spite that among other things.  I had no power, because I had no humility with a surplus of false pride, and I had no grace because I had an arsenal of lies, that were fired both on purpose and within a set of ignorance and arrogance.  I was obviously such a fool to everyone but myself, who thought I was a genuis.  

I've found that loyalty from myself, which I have also found is an asset, despite it not having power enough to support a clarity created mind, needs to be treated with honesty, so it can use it's loyal nature to learn, and rid itself from the arrogance and ignorance it suffered from for so long denying the suggestion that God really just wanted to help, and really has a will that helps all the most.  

Me being helped more than most is not God's will.  Most being helped no more than Most is God's will I think.