It's the day after Easter, we've all been asked to put our lives on hold indefinitely, because of Coronavirus, and I'm saying today, I'm deciding to go back to work mentally.  

I am going to respect the decisions from above in a jurisdictional manner, although I think the County I am in had an order til the 12th of April, but it's important for me personally to not let something bigger than me, but smaller than God, determine the direction my life is going to go in.  

I am putting this on here because I am thinking some of the more experienced and even new people in recovery might want to comment or suggest their own opinions and experience on restarting after a layoff.  

For one I have to say before Coronavirus arrived my life was not as tight and compact as I was fronting it was.  I am grateful we got the time off and I was able to use it to do TONS OF INVENTORY.  I found that I really was being too serious in my drive to get things done, and I wasn't giving enough time to others or thinking thoroughly about what they need, with God's directing.  I would get up, not even ask God to come with me, but more so assume he would just because, and then rely on my own thinking the whole day.  

Getting back into the groove of life, I know I am going to be in a better relationship with God going forward, and that relationship is going to include less fear, I did so much work on fear, and how detrimental it is for others, in the long run, during this time off.  I have to give credit to the AA book, and working with another person who drank like I did.  I thought I would just ignore my fears and that would make me like hard or some shit like that, and that hardness would make the fear bored and it would eventually just go away.  Yes, a completely crazy response to the reality of fear inside of me.  Obviously if you've had any experience with fear our of your control (anxiety), you know ignoring it and "acting" like it's not happening through denial, is probably the worst response you can make after it intrudes you.  

I have not went to a meeting in weeks, and I did not die, and I did not drink either.  As a matter of fact, not being able to go let me know it's not a requirment, for me personally, and if I go, I want to go, and I see it as a blessing to go, rather than a demand or order from God.  I think the "how important is a sponsor" question was given some clarity also in this time off.  I think the sponsor when doing the steps is very important, as a support system, but at some point the sponsor needs to become just another man or woman trying like me, and God becomes the real sponsor.  

I found that I am a workaholic, ironically from not working.  A 20 hour work day makes me high.  You wouldn't be able to see it on my disposition, and in fact I'd probably look like I just woke up from an 8 hour sleep session at hour 20, but I found that work is a higher power, and I get so much relief from being productive, I feel more is better, but that is not so much so, I cannot deny that working all the time does fundamentally cause an imbalance inside my spirit and soul that neglects things I love dearly.  

For instance, since I was 5 or 6 music has been the most healthy influence for my whole character.  I got to listen to a lot of music, during this time off, and it made me so clarity driven, and I dind't care about what I usually care about (wealth, a family, transportation, my body, women, being important, educating others) I just gave up and enjoyed.  I heard the artist so clear, and I felt them so much, I heard them so clearly I didn't even have to respond, I was just grateful God gave us music.  When I work all the time, I have little time to listen to music, because I am so focused on detail capitialization, if I were to incorporate anything other than my own focus on going forward, it could break my determination and drive to be all I can be.  I see now though, all I can be is not all I can be, and God gives these times off for reflection and understanding that all I can be is asking him to make me all I can be.  

Whilst 11th stepping, I got great info that God loves that I go out and try to do it myself.  I also saw that judgment usually is coming from things other than God now that I am committed to staying sober, and seeing how incredibly valuable it is to everyone else in life.  I saw I don't need to counter judge, and I can pray for the judge, or the judgment to "get there" one day.  When I looked at my judgment and asked why do I judge others the answer was very loaded and I have to admit confusing at first.  I saw mostly that I do much worse things than the people I was judging, and I often subconsciously position myself to hypocritical standings because of the fear, the fear of judgment, so I lie, hoping it will be believed, not because I want to harm, but because I fear the ungodly judgment.  So admitting I am lying to those I judge so much because their judgment is just as problematic as my lying was a big chunk of truth for me.  I had to see they aren't as powerful as my fear is telling me they are, which was another lie God dismantled.  

In my time off I saw there are some others who have just a strong an ego as me, and that same ego (or egos) will go to war, it's what they do.  I saw it is ok for me to let my ego be my ego, and to fight against it, will only demote it's purpose which is to exist, and fight for me.  I had to see my ego as my number one soldier basically, and that was hard because the AA literature tells me that the ego as loyal as it is to my survival and well-being, can be driven by "sin" too much, if it feels it has to "win" as a purpose.  Admitting at the beginning of the day that God has already won, and that's the game, really captured what the ego needs to be going forward, and I feel like it is now a complete asset instead of something to be wearied over.  The greater dominance of humility knowing the ego is just a part of me, and not all of me, I have to give credit to.  

I have some tangible achievements on a small scale I am going to force myself to accomplish, with the help of my ego, and as long as it isn't a centralizing force, it's input can have a place at the table of my life going forward.  I should write a funny skit about my round table of characteristic, and the ego eventually manipulating the others to have future dinners where there is only ham served.  Ham salad, Ham bread, Ham butter, Hamenade, Ham Rib, and Ham-brulee. 

Anyway, thoughts?  Do you all thing I am seeing anything wrong?  All feedback will be appreciated.  Thank You.