Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I am turning 23 on the 19th of this month, I have been drinking technically since I was 13. It's been ten years... have been drunk almost every night of the last decade save for a year when I actually had my shit together.
Last year I quit smoking when I realized I had wasted a decade inhaling toxic smoke, and since then my problem with alcohol seems the next logical step. An ex of mine texted me last night saying his doctor told him his liver is bad and he is going to treatment, and it's all I can think of. I have cut back a lot, I haven't blacked out in 3 years and I am down to 4 mixed drinks a night, 3 times a week or more I will have 6-8, but I know it's still too much.
I have a lot of emotional baggage, I was a foster kid, my dad was in prison/not around/sex offender that I barely know even now. My mom is seriously mentally ill, but she avoids psychiatrists like I avoid non alcoholic beer so she is undiagnosed. I spent most of my childhood being shuttled between her neglect and foster care "homes" up until I ran away at 12 and lived on couches and in cars and on the streets.
After that began a long cycle of every kind of abuse, rape, drug abuse, and loneliness. When I was 17 I got my GED and worked my ass off to get into college and get my own place, (this is when I got my shit together). Then I got pregnant at 18, I cut off all my "toxic" friends and most of my family, and moved in with the love of my life. Long story short, my baby choked on her cord just before she was born and it threw me into a tailspin.
I never admit this, but I wanted to die. I feel like I have spent the last 4 years in a drunk haze because I feel like I should have died with her. I am so tired of punishing myself for my baby's death. I want to go back to being happy like I was the year or so when I thought I had the world in my hands.
I am just afraid of being alone in my mind, sober. On nights that I don't drink or take sleeping pills I lie awake crying until dawn and I hate the images that come to me, I relive being raped and every moment of my child's funeral, it is torture.
I have always drank to self medicate my anxiety/panic disorder that came from the trauma of foster care and my doctors will not prescribe the only medicine that has ever helped me to live a normal life without alcohol, (Ativan), and I have no access to mental health care and I am not ready to go to AA yet, (I had a foster mom who was a drug/alcohol counselor and a sister who dragged me to NA meetings, I know all about it). I'm really just looking for advice/anecdotes or just empathy, I know there are people here who understand what I have been through.
I just don't know if I am ready to live without alcohol, but it's not because I think I can manage it alone, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy after all I have been through and after my baby's death I feel guilty for her not being here, and I feel like no matter what I do life kicks me into the gutter, so maybe I don't deserve to have a good life. But I am about to get my BS and I have a job lined up to be a social worker and I am destroying my relationship with someone who loves me and needs me to be ok. I cannot keep wallowing in self pity, but I don't know how to live a normal life, I have been on "survival mode" since before I can remember...
I think that's the most honest thing I have said in years.
thx.
Last year I quit smoking when I realized I had wasted a decade inhaling toxic smoke, and since then my problem with alcohol seems the next logical step. An ex of mine texted me last night saying his doctor told him his liver is bad and he is going to treatment, and it's all I can think of. I have cut back a lot, I haven't blacked out in 3 years and I am down to 4 mixed drinks a night, 3 times a week or more I will have 6-8, but I know it's still too much.
I have a lot of emotional baggage, I was a foster kid, my dad was in prison/not around/sex offender that I barely know even now. My mom is seriously mentally ill, but she avoids psychiatrists like I avoid non alcoholic beer so she is undiagnosed. I spent most of my childhood being shuttled between her neglect and foster care "homes" up until I ran away at 12 and lived on couches and in cars and on the streets.
After that began a long cycle of every kind of abuse, rape, drug abuse, and loneliness. When I was 17 I got my GED and worked my ass off to get into college and get my own place, (this is when I got my shit together). Then I got pregnant at 18, I cut off all my "toxic" friends and most of my family, and moved in with the love of my life. Long story short, my baby choked on her cord just before she was born and it threw me into a tailspin.
I never admit this, but I wanted to die. I feel like I have spent the last 4 years in a drunk haze because I feel like I should have died with her. I am so tired of punishing myself for my baby's death. I want to go back to being happy like I was the year or so when I thought I had the world in my hands.
I am just afraid of being alone in my mind, sober. On nights that I don't drink or take sleeping pills I lie awake crying until dawn and I hate the images that come to me, I relive being raped and every moment of my child's funeral, it is torture.
I have always drank to self medicate my anxiety/panic disorder that came from the trauma of foster care and my doctors will not prescribe the only medicine that has ever helped me to live a normal life without alcohol, (Ativan), and I have no access to mental health care and I am not ready to go to AA yet, (I had a foster mom who was a drug/alcohol counselor and a sister who dragged me to NA meetings, I know all about it). I'm really just looking for advice/anecdotes or just empathy, I know there are people here who understand what I have been through.
I just don't know if I am ready to live without alcohol, but it's not because I think I can manage it alone, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy after all I have been through and after my baby's death I feel guilty for her not being here, and I feel like no matter what I do life kicks me into the gutter, so maybe I don't deserve to have a good life. But I am about to get my BS and I have a job lined up to be a social worker and I am destroying my relationship with someone who loves me and needs me to be ok. I cannot keep wallowing in self pity, but I don't know how to live a normal life, I have been on "survival mode" since before I can remember...
I think that's the most honest thing I have said in years.
thx.
-
check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
-
I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
It's just good you are getting this off your chest. That's what we need to do sometimes, just rant and rave and lay it all out. It also sounds like you may have a bit of a grip on reality because you realize you are in survival mode. We all do that, we do what we have to do to survive.
Hang in there for now. Rant and rave all you want here on DS. That's what we are here for.
HuG!
Billy
Just to relate to you, I first got sober at 23 - it's a good age to start. However, I didn't stay sober more than 2 years, but that's another story!
I wish you all the very best in your efforts to stay sober - it's totally worth it, to live sober - once the obsession settles down, you realise that sober you have a fantastic life - or, if you're in pain or troubled - you have the opportunity to reach out for help.
good luck with it, and you can write to me anytime. regards, Wendy
You have been through a lot in a few short years and the pain and hurt are still there but you deserve to be happy and you can be, with the right help and some work on your part.
I do not have personal experience with some of the things you have mentioned but I have friends who do and I have observed how they have coped with these things. The first observation is that things did not start to get better for them until they dealt with the alcohol problem. After that they needed professional help in order to deal with other issues such as rape, abuse, grief etc. but in most cases the professional help was not effective while alcohol was still in the equation. Some of the people I know turned to prescription medication as a substitute for alcohol and even though the medication was prescribed by a doctor, they became addicted to it. I have been told that trying to come off some of these legal drugs is a nightmare and much harder than giving up alcohol. Therefore your doctor could be doing you a big favour in not prescribing certain medications.
As I see it, your starting point is to confront the alcohol problem. If you can cut back a lot on what you drink or quit drinking completely on your own willpower that will be good. However, if you find it difficult or impossible to do that then you will need help. That help can take several forms but Alcoholics Anonymous is free of charge and proven to work for those who really want it. Do not judge AA by what you have seen or heard at a few meetings. The real benefit is in the Twelve Step programme of recovery and unfortunately a lot of what you will hear at meetings has little to do with the programme. With the help of a sponsor you can address those past issues that haunt your life and you can move forward with belief and self-confidence. You can change from being in survival mode to a bright future where you are at ease with who you are and make use of your many talents.
Once you have made a start on dealing with the alcohol problem you may find the strength and money to avail of professional help that will allow you to deal with deep emotional stuff that AA cannot help you with. Do not be afraid to take that first step or to seek the help that you need. Life is quite short so it is important to make the most of it. You deserve to be happy but it all starts with taking those first steps.
Because you have a difficult past like I did I would encourage you to get yourself a counselor. Between the counseling and the program I have finally found some peace in my life. You are so very young and I wish I would have had someone hand me a map like I am handing you one. It would have saved me years of pain and grief.
Do it now. Get yourself healed. Here is the link to the program that helped me. http://www.radiantrecovery.com/alcohol.html
http://www.radiantrecovery.com/7steps.htm
Laura
Working with a counselor who specializes in addiction, as well as abuse has helped me to uncover, discover, discard.
Some of the coping mechanisms that I used to rely on no longer worked. In fact they were holding me down. You might find the same.
Good luck.
Your baby's death was NOT your fault! Your being raped was NOT your fault! The abuse was NOT your fault! It's unfortunate you were born to parents who neglected you but that was NOY your fault either!
Stop punishing yourself and let go of all that guilt! There is a good book you should read by John Bradshaw called "Healing the shame that binds me"! You will see yourself in the pages of this book. You can buy it used on amazon for a few bucks.
Not to minimize the trauma you have suffered through but there are many women who have lost there babies, many women who have been raped and many who came from broken homes.....you will find them at AA meetings which is why I think you need to go! You will benefit from the stories of how others survived and also how they quit drinking!
AA will help you free yourself from that cage you built for yourself! I highly recommend!
God Bless!