That's awesome that you've found a solution at AA. Keep going if that's what works for you!! If it ain't broken, don't try to fix it! There are definite benefits from having such an extensive support group.

I love to hear on this board how everyone's journey through and to sobriety is different . Really helps to drive home the point that it really is an individual thing. I myself found the opposite to your experience - that I DO have control over myself and the ability to identify my triggers and deal with them. I absolutely know why I drink and being able to face those issues and resolve them has made a world of difference for me. Loved reading your experience and how you've managed to stay sober. May you continue on successfully in that path:)
Jen

Hi Bella -- Thank you so much for sharing some of your story and coming to terms with the powerless part. My drinking also got progressively worse over the past 6-7 years to the point where I was a daily heavy drinker and it was making my life unmanageable. I too had to finally surrender and admit that alcohol had me in its firm grip and I could not get sober on my own, nor really grow as a person on my own.

For me, it was a huge relief to finally surrender to it and admit that I am an alcoholic. That is what got me on a better path. The trap is not to let if be your main defining trait. It is just something that is a part of me, but I refuse to wallow in it and give it more power than it already has. I go to an AA meeting almost daily and have a great sponsor as well as a number of friends in the program that I can call on. For me, it's made all the difference. Keep sharing and I wish you a great life and continued sobriety. Hugs, PG

Hello bella51,

Eight years ago I was powerless over alcohol, although I did not know it at the time. I could have listed many reasons for drinking but there was really only one reason I had become an alcoholic. If by some magic formula I could have moved through and resolve all of those triggers I would have very quickly found new ones, simply because drinking had become an obsession. For that reason, I do not place a lot of emphasis on triggers.

Some people dont want to know the how and the why of alcoholism but it was important for me to know. After all, if you do not understand the exact nature of the problem, you are likely to apply the wrong solutions. Therefore, I must disagree with your friend Rick and suggest that you click on the link below, where you can learn the exact reasons why you cannot drink:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVBDQPC2XQ

You could claim to be making progress but then again, maybe you are not. The danger with regular relapsing is that alcoholism is progressive and some day you may not make it back. In this case, perfection is the only safe option in other words, there is no in between position and you just cannot drink safely.

Learning about your triggers and making phone calls are useful tools for sure but they do not address the causes of the problem. Until you treat the causes, you will always be in a battle, pitting your willpower against the urge to drink. You may be successful for long periods of time but you may also get progressively worse.

You mentioned the Twelve Steps and that is one place where you can find the answers. However, reading or talking about the steps will not cut the mustard it takes action and the help of a good sponsor.

Bella,

You may never find the "magic root cause", but you have found the "magic" solution. Acknowledging the FACT that you are alcoholic. For long term sobriety, it doesn't matter where, when, who, why or how. The ONLY thing that matters is acknowledging the fact that you cannot control the effects of alcohol once you put it into your body. The ONLY thing that matters is finding the solution.

If you had cancer, would your treatment vary depending on the source of the cancer? No, you would seek treatment regardless of the "reason" you acquired the cancer. Was it second-hand smoke, environmental factors, genetic factors? Who cares, as long as you can find a treatment and "cure" for your cancer.

Alcoholism is much the same. It doesn't matter causes or triggers of your drinking. It doesn't matter your alcoholism if because of genetic or environmental (nature vs nurture) factors. What matters is that you are an alcoholic and that treatment of paramount importance.

FWIW, when I was struggling with this whole "why am I an alcoholic" thing, I thought that if I figured why I was that way, maybe I could proceed with my recovery. Once I could accept i.e. be "okay" with being an alcoholic, my recovery was begin. Once I had the answers, I could proceed with the solution.

An old-timer said this to me "Recovery doesn't begin with acceptance, acceptance is a result of recovery". And she was right. Once I recovered from the seeming hopeless state of mind and body, I was able to be "okay" with being alcoholic.

My recovery and sobriety brought forth a peace of mind, a contentedness, a serenity that floods over me. I have learned to love myself - for what and who I am. That includes the fact that I am alcoholic.

AA has made my life a much, much better and happier place to be.

Good luck

I drank because I'm an alcoholic. I found the effect produced by drinking was something I really enjoyed. I enjoyed it so much that that was all I ever thought about. I have a chemical makeup that just makes me want more when I start. So today I choose to not start. It is the best choice b/c I was addicted and couldn't stop. I found help from other alcoholics and also find that by helping others I am able to choose to be sober today. Keep going it gets better and better

1-2

Here is where the powerless comes to play. Once we take the first drink the completion takes over. It is hard wired in the brain. Will power is overridden by the compulsion. We have the power not to take the first drink.

I remember when I was in out patient treatment for drug and alcohol abuse, we were taught about triggers and about the role triggers played in making us powerless over alcohol.

A trigger could be a negative emotion, a traumatic event in out lives or unhappy flashbacks or memories and the way it works is that when we are faced with a trigger, repeatedly, we will eventually give in to that trigger and drink! It's "just...a matter...of time", is the way it was put to me.

When I went to work every day at a job I hated, I drank, when I lost my job, I drank, when I went through my divorce, I drank, when I came home from work every day to a wife that didn't love me, I drank every time somebody said something hurtful to me or something I didn't like, I drank.....and the list goes on.

8 years ago this month, I got sober and stayed sober with the 12 steps of AA and I have never been happier! I know it's not the only way but it is what worked for me and it was a blessing for me at the time.

May your Higher Power walk with you on your road to recover and guide you along the way,

God Bless!

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you are suffering so deeply. I've been there. One thing truly stands out in your post for me. I must love myself. This statement is simple but oh so difficult to understand. You're destroying your life by continuously drinking an addictive poison. It's robbing you of clarity, serenity, and precious time living a happy life. I think I finally am getting a grip on loving myself. Respecting myself. When you truly do, you have no desire to drink addictive poisons that make you sick and cause self loathing. Don't ever give up! We are all in this together!

Hi bella. When I sobered up Oct 16, 1992, I didn't call any numbers I had been given at AA. I chose a sponsor but when I would get into a shitstorm, I didn't know how to tell her what was wrong!

When I got sober, I was desperate to not drink so one day, when I could visualize the sweat on the glass, I picked up that 5,000 lb phone and called someone. The compulsion got weaker. I didn't care about the why's and wherefore's. I just wanted to have 10 yrs in 10 days, lol.

I mention my dry date to let you know that I still remember the conflict going on between me and me. You told my story about early sobriety.

You can do this. It's all about making a decision. I wish you peace. Hugs, Dianna

I am glad you found a program that you like. If you are having problems putting together more than a few weeks or months, you might want to supplement AA with individual counseling or other support as well. SMART Recovery has tools you can download from their website that might help you figure out what triggers your drinking and stop it in its tracks. Do whatever you need to get and stay sober, you are worth it!

Hi Bella, It took me multiple attempts at getting sober for it to "click." And I trust in my HP today that it will stay "clicked" today and if I do the foot work today; and tomorrow, I;ll stay in this recovered state.
Anyway, I stopped drinking multiple times. I got weeks, a few months, and when pregnant over a year (2x). I too felt like I was losing my mind and my health. I was anxious, scared, and didnt think I'd ever stay sober. I gave up looking for the "root cause" and just admitted I had it. And when I was able to admit to my innermost core that I was/ am alcoholic -- that meant that even a drink was insane. Before that admission I'd always talk myself back into having "one" which we all know doesnt end there or we wouldn't BE here.
I agree with XJ. I found huge relief and support in the rooms of AA and recovery through the 12 steps. However, I also needed individual and then also marital counseling. I didnt come into AA with all my mental and emotional "ducks in a line" and I needed help. I needed to get sober to know it, and I did. Now its a beautiful life, with all its imperfections. I have a support system of women I can call and I do. I have a husband I can talk to, and I do. And I never ever thought I'd say it but I'm a grateful alcoholic. Warts and all.