First...you can feel compassion for someone and still not feel good about what is going on with yourself. So I don't think your post is in bad taste in regards to your post about the woman losing her daughter.

Its never too late to fix ANYTHING....and as soon as you find it within yourself to not drink...your world will look better - I promise you that.

I have made a mess of my life many times over during my lifetime and everytime I stopped drinking...things got ALOT better....not only a LITTLE BETTER...A LOT better.

Don't apologize for a negative post...it wasn't a negative post...it was a cry for help post...and this is a wonderful place to do that...Maybe you should also join me over on the Depression board?

Don't do anything stupid...cause that is something you can not FIX....you would destroy so many people if you killed yourself....IF you think you are HURTING them NOW....What do you think they would feel like if you killed yourself?

They would feel like they failed you....they would feel like it was too late to FIX things....They would be filled with an overwhelming sadness like the woman that posted about her daughter. I've talked to you on the side and I know that you don't want people to feel that way. Please give yourself a chance...you ARE worth it...you just can't see thru the fog yet.....

LEMON!

One more thing....Have you seen ALL the posts I post?????

No ONE has EVER complained.....That is what these boards are FOR.

If someone doesn't want to read it...they won't
If they don't want to respond...they won't
But, don't feel funny....ok....

Just walk into a meeting and take a seat. No one will bother you. You can sit in silence and listen or you can talk. You won't be judged.

My last hope and last act after trying to kill myself was to go to a meeting after drinking that morning and realizing that I was done, either I would die, or I would find a way to quit drinking. I went to a noon meeting, drunk and crying, and was called on to speak, and I just let it all out. No one cared that I had been drinking, they just cared that I had come back. It was my last relapse before getting sober for 2.5 years (now this relapse).

You really have nothing to lose.

And yes, keep posting, as much and as often as you want and can, especially if it keeps you from taking a drink.

Sounds like there is a lot of Anxiety going on Lemon...anxiety and sleep problems are often linked, also depression. Voice of experience here :)

What do you have going on in your life? Is there an opportunity to step back from anything?

P

Paulokes,

I'm in the final stages of grad school and totally messing it up. I was doing so well at first... had my first three publications in two months. But now I am literally f*cking it and I feel awful and totally unaccountable.

You are absolutely right - anxiety is a huge factor in my inability to cope. In terms of stepping back.... I have already, involuntarily.

You said you are speaking from experience... anything to share? I gain so much from shared stories on here.

Thanks :-)

Lemon

Hello Lemon88,

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a lovely young woman who had so much to contribute to life. The feeling of sadness was so intense that you could almost touch it. A mother, a father, sisters, brothers, a host of friends and two little girls who will never see their mother again. The tragedy is that it need not have happened because there was another way. There is another way for you too so please have faith and you will find it.

I do not have the answers and I cannot tell you what to do but I will tell you what has worked for me. Many years ago I was in that dark place and it seemed to get worse by the day. Then one day I read something in a newspaper that changed my entire outlook. It was a three line prayer and for some reason I took the first line to heart and ignored the other two. It is difficult to believe that something so simple could bring about such a drastic change but that is how it was for me. The prayer was:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

From that time I enjoyed serenity, even though there were plenty of difficult situations in life to deal with. In the last few years of drinking the darkness started to descend once more and I could see that I was going right back to where I had been years earlier. That was one of the reasons that I became determined to do whatever it took to get sober.

This is a good place for you to talk anonymously and if you decided post twenty times a day that would be fine (I think Missy2 holds the record LOL). By posting here you are also helping other people who may be feeling the same pain that you have and you may encourage them to get help. You can also befriend people and send them private messages if you dont want to post personal stuff on an open forum. I can relate to what you said about people thinking youre floating at the top when youre really at the bottom. But you know, there are so many people out there who want to help you. Why not open up just a little bit and talk to someone face to face. The person could be a friend or relative, it could be your doctor or a person of the cloth, it could be a counsellor or health worker. You dont have to deal with everything all at once just crack the door open enough to let in the light.

There is no mess that cannot be cleaned up and the people around you will have it in their hearts to forgive. Your thinking is just off balance right now and you cannot see the way ahead. Remember the story of the two sets of footprints in the sand. God walked alongside the person who was struggling but during the worst times there was only one set of footprints. The person became angry, thinking that God had abandoned him when he was most in need. God replied: Where there is only one set of footprints, that was where I carried you. God works through people so please reach out and let others love you until you can love yourself.

There is a way out. It is the way of faith and hope.

Lemon, so much it would take a few weeks of late nights over coffee to catch up :))

Anxiety was a huge factor in my life but it took a little while to acknowledge it. Undoubtedly booze was a part of all that...nervous as a kid but conscious of the pressure to "be something" and perform...

I ended up in some high pressure jobs but mostly put all that pressure on myself...my own expectations of me where always high...

Without doubt alcohol added to the anxiety I was feeling as time went on. It went from low level anxiety and stress to full blown panic attacks first thing in the morning along with a physical need to drink.

I felt superficially better when I stopped drinking but anxiety was still extremely high, still got panic attacks in the morning and I spent the first 12 months of sobriety at least swapping between my bed and couch because I just couldn't sleep, shaking things up and changing routines seemed to help.

I was under a lot of pressure at about 6 months sober, my boss asked me to see a doctor but I wouldn't because I was worried about having 'depression' on my record. A friend of mine also suggested I ask for a demotion at work. I was really struggling but pride wouldn't let me do that. About 3 months later, I had a bit of a melt down at work, started missing days through anxiety attacks and ended up being fired.

All that prompted me to see a doctor, was prescribed an SSRI which are used for depression and anxiety and tend not to be physically addictive. That helped but to be honest it was just good to start talking to people about what was going on instead of trying to hold it together.

I ended up being out of work for 18 months but that was OK actually ..years of drinking had messed with the balance of chemicals in my body, stress levels and coping mechanisms were through the roof. I had a little time to readjust and learn life didn't have to be all about what I was "doing"...became a human being instead of a human-doing :))

I also got some counselling, attended lots of AA, cut WAAAY back on caffeine (!) and the most beautiful part was when I first managed to get a full natural nights sleep without booze for probably the first time in 20 years.

I started work again 4 years ago but changed career to something lower paying but far more fulfilling. Was pretty good until about 6 months ago...work load and responsibility had crept up again and my home life was crazy too. Me being me, I was doing too much overtime, doing everybody's job for them and piling more pressure and blame on myself for not coping. Had a really bad night 5 weeks ago where I considered (briefly) taking a knife to myself.

That was a sign...enough. Didn't act on it but finished up the most urgent work and took two weeks of sick. I thought I was depressed but the Drs note said...wait for it...anxiety. Went back to the DR and back on anti-anxiety/depression meds. I'm back at work again bit working reduced hours (30 per week) and to be honest I am really tempted to keep on 30 hours for a while...live having the time to do my own thing and who do i think I'm trying to impress by being a workhorse? Who's business is it but mine? :))

That may not sound too encouraging but it's progress...ha! First time round I refused to step back and take the pressure off myself and I imploded. This time I eventually saw the warning signs and dealt with them appropriately. Now feel wholly better, kind if hard to think I was in that place just 5 weeks ago.

Without a doubt quitting booze was the first thing I needed to do to treat anxiety but the rest has been a really long slow journey of learning what dies and doesn't work for me.

P

Wow...Paul thank you for sharing your experience with us...I needed to see that not only alcohol but ANXIETY has caused job issues with others....You sound like a workhorse and to get fired must have devastated you..I jumped back a little in my seat...I quit and I'm DESTROYED...But I was well on my way to getting fired and I wasn't drinking..it was all behaviors...anger...depression and ANXIETY of them being out to get me. Good career, good money on a HS education they only want the college elite....they were pushing all kinds of buttons.

See Lemon....we get thru it....please give yourself the chance..keep posting :)

PJS post gave me goosebumps...the Serenity prayer stumbled upon in the Newspaper...Everything for a reason.


God Bless.

Lemon, if you know you are messing it up, what's making you continue to do so???

How about this for a metaphor... sometimes, sh1t floats.

What incredibly kind, thoughtful posts. I am so happy I found this forum.

I don't know when I will finally kick the habit. I am still basically in hiding...Last night I dreamt that someone I know identified me on here and spent hours freaking out about it...

I can't tell you all how much your posts mean to me. I have loved reading them and feel so much better for being on here...

I think it's this desire to hide that is making me think that "ending it all" is the only way out...

Lemon, what is your fear of being found out and if you were what is the worst thing that could happen as a result?

I don't know... embarrassment? Shame? I feel those things already. Also the loss of my fellowship?

I've given no one any reason to have faith in me other than the first two semesters in which I produced more good work than anyone else in my program. Not that it's a competition.

Ugh how did I arrive here??

Lemon, in my experience shame has been a booby trap and a bogey monster...a mistaken idea of who I think I'm supposed to be that has always held

Unpicking it can be a sloow process but if drink is still causing you problems I promise you it's not helping. Dump the booze and you might just start to find a You that you can be ok with...at the very least you'll give yourself less reasons to be ashamed.

Things got so messed up in drink for me that I got confused between the guilt I felt for what I had done and the shame I felt for who I thought I was. Work and achievement is also a classic hiding place for shame-based people, but it's ultimately ineffective. Filling a low self worth with achievements and comparisons is like filling an empty stomach with paper, wrong fuel, wrong strategy :(

P

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame http://www.pjteaches.com/GodViews/shame_handout.pdf