I am ill equipped to comment on such intense feelings leading to wanting to end it all, although I have been where you are. Contacting a mental health professional might be the best thing to do. It was for me...

I think the majority of it is that I just don't want to tell anyone... I know your advice is the right thing to do, I just can't seem to bring myself to admit it except on this anonymous forum. For which I am very grateful, by the way.

In my case that's exactly why seeing a mental health professional was a good thing for me. Everything said there was confidential. Eventually, I was able to identify who and what I should talk to others about my "issues"...

But how did you bring yourself to the initial meeting?? That's where I'm stuck... I can't bring myself to go :-(

I was in your shoes 100%. I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing. I was scared to death to go to my family doctor because I was sure any tests they would run would show that I was drinking in excess.

I definitely recommend finding someone you can tell. For me, it was my estranged (at the time) husband. He was the only one that I felt comfortable telling everything to. It was one of the hardest things I have every done, but also so incredibly freeing. Without getting it all out, I don't think I'd be where I am today (1 month tomorrow).

I gritted my teeth after much pain and picked up the phone. It took a couple of days but once I realized that I was at the end of my rope and the knot I had tied at the end of it wasn't holding. It took mustering every fiber of the part of myself that wanted to get well to do it...

Though I wish none of you such pain, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one going through this. I want so much to do the right thing... I don't know who I could tel!! Ugh I really need to suck it up and go. This is just enough. It's just hard to see the top when you're all the way at the bottom... and no one even knows why you've gone down there. Or some people think you're floating at the top, but really you're at the bottom of a well.

Ha omg me and my stupid metaphors. I just feel so tired...

Hi Lemon88,

As you can tell I love metaphors too. They are a good thing as they help to put my situation(s) into my own words. So metaphor away. You are using words and images to own your own problems and it is a gift to be able to do this...You'll be fine and get through this...

Lemon88, only you can make a decision and take action even when others share the experience they have had in recovery. Many have had to - and will - walk through fear to get help. The first time I got help my legs were shaking with fear but I knew I had to do it or face worse consequences.

For me, an alcoholic, I had hidden away with a bottle to numb my feelings and my antidote was to accept the reality of my problem, get honest with myself and those whose help I sought. Only then could I put the wheels in motion for change.

I have never contemplated taking my own life but there were many times I prayed that God would. It makes me shiver still to recall the feelings but today every day is a day worth living. Get help, get better.

I too was in your same shoes just a few months ago.

I was frozen in fear. I could not do anything. I started out by posting very similar to you then I worked up the courage to go to a room of other ppl like me. I was so scared. I remember walking up those stairs in that church and almost turning around. I didnt . that was june 9. I have not had a drink since that day.

I learned that by asking for help ( something alien to me ) I was able to get a handle on this problem i have.

Start living and enjoying life again. You can do it

Oh ps btw I too have had those terminal thoughts .. I even sat in my easy chair with a loaded gun and put it in my mouth. I was so hopeless. I just could not make any decisive decision.

So i share this. look up a meeting in your town and go. there will be open arms and ppl that want to help you. See once we get sober the way to keep it is to give it away. Go and start to live again.

1is2many

Thank you all so much for your kind and forthcoming responses. I appreciate it so much. Your words have resonated with me... I hope to find the courage to come out with this already. I've wasted enough time hiding...

Also, does it bother you all that I've been posting so much? I feel like I'm being annoying...

I believe people here would like to be helpful to you so post as often as you wish.

Thanks, Fairisle. I guess that shows how new I am to these kinds of forums... I feel so self-indulgent going on about myself and my problems. But honestly everyone's input is definitely helpful!

I agree...keep posting! That's what the group is here for.