I had a girlfriend like that. We'd make plans and she would break them. She'd say she would call and not. It took me 3 months to realize that I didn't want that in my life.

Knowing someone for a month is not a long time and time is the best way to find out if any person is who they say they are. People put on their best face when dating and can't sustain it for long. Within 6 months sometimes sooner there will be clues if this person is the one. After a year or so you'll see the real person.

"But tonight we were supposed to go out to eat and I never heard from him at all. I called him a few times and his number was busy for several hours."

Breaking a dinner date could mean a lot of things. I'd ask him the next time you see him what happened to cause him to break the dinner date. As far as what to look for regarding drinking it can be a bit difficult sometimes as people in recovery can hide if they are using for awhile sometimes. If he breaks more dates without calling or an explanation in a timely fashion is unacceptable behavior for anyone drinking or not.

Personally, after a period of trial and error I'd call a woman I knew for a short period of time the day they broke the date. Wait a day or two and call back one more time to make sure they got the message.

Perhaps, you might want to be considering not putting all your eggs in one basket at this point. I assume you met him outside an alcohol support group as you are here asking for information.

I'm not sure we alcoholics have an inside scoop on why people are or arent socially reliable. Alcoholic or not, if someone stood me up for dinner when I was dating them I'd ask them about it. If there wasnt a really great reason (and frankly I can't think of one that wouldnt have been brought up by HIM first...) I'd move on.
Alcoholic or not.

No call, no show = big red flag in my book. Brings back memories of a relationship I should have nipped in the bud long before it caused me and my children a lot of heartache. First sign of a very passive aggressive nature that never really changed.

He is still "working his way through recovering" after 29 years? Wow. That would be another red flag in my book. The guy I just referenced above was sober nearly 20 years when we started dating, and at first I was impressed by all the good deeds he was doing to help others; but after awhile it became a handy excuse for why he was never on time, couldn't call, or just disappeared for hours at a time. Everyone who knew him in recovery thought he was a saint, but his personal life in the real world was nothing but one big 'ol messy crisis after the next. Again, something that never changed.

Trust your gut and pay attention to red flags. They are warnings, not decorations. Tread carefully.

Take your time! You will find out all about him if you just slow it down.

Don't just think "alcohol". If he was just drunk, he would text you saying something came up. That way you wouldn't hear the slurred voice. It doesn't matter what the situation, his mom, car wreck, etc., he'd find a way to contact you. I have a handicapped son who has seizures. I've been in the ambulance and texted my bf to tell him what was going on.
It's only been a month. You don't know him. You only know what he wants you see. He hasn't earned your trust in one month. Not calling or being able to be reached is a huge red flag, and I'm not even thinking alcohol. I'd expect him to give you some BS excuse of why he didn't call...he's so sorry, his phone wasn't getting any service, etc etc....He'll expect you to believe him. I'm not against May-December romances but he's had more experience with women, especially younger, newly single, and vulnerable women....let's face it, all women want to believe the good in men.
If I were you, just divorced, I would not put all my eggs in one basket, especially after just a month. Even jobs won't promote you only after a month (Steve Harvey's Book. Think Like a Man and Why Men Love B!tches are good reads).
Stand up for yourself when he calls. Tell him you do not allow people to treat you that way. Do not say it's ok. If you don't, he'll see he can do it again. Tell him you have already made plans if he asks to see you. Show him your life does not alter one bit.

I appreciate all of the replies. I added the part about 'still recovering'. I don't know if he would put it that way. As far as 'where' he 'is' in his life he has had several relationships and been single for 20 years so I think all of this is so new and apprehensive to him and we have talked about that. So I am not making excuses for him but I think both of us are trying to figure this out and trying to keep things slow. I think he has been somewhat of a loner and has shut people out for a while. All except his family. We just met by accident at McDonald's one morning when our power was out. And he said it was out of his character for him to ask for my number. For all indications I tend to believe what he tells me because we have tried to keep our communication open and honest. But I know to be cautious also.

He is not the kind to 'feed me lines' and make excuses that I won't believe. I don't think that. So far he has told me the cold hard facts of his past. So I don't think he has been out to just impress me. Maybe his feelings towards me has just been too much for him to handle now. But there is nothing more I can do if he doesn't want to call me and explain anything.

Oh, and after all the other shit I have been through I will be apprehensive about making plans to see him again. Through some other losses I won't go into I have learned to be tougher and not take this kind of stuff. It hurts because it was nice talking to him and spending time with him but I cannot handle anymore pain from anyone. Period!!!

run

Good catlover. If it were me, I would chop it up to a nice month and move on. The only excuse I'd accept is a coma. Otherwise, it shows a sign of no respect. I've ran through all possibilities (and past experiences) in my head when commenting. Even being on the 1st floor in emergency room, where some cell phones lose service, there are hardwired phones in each room. Dial 9 for outbound calls. I could even say, if he were drunk, that means he's hiding it from you. Or, if he had another date/going out with friends, you're not valued (by him) as you should be (from someone else).

Why haven't you asked him what happened to have him let you down? He's as trustworthy as any other man. Use your own judgement or do you not trust yourself either? Check out alanon for the family and friends of alcoholics. Good luck!

I have tried to call him a few times and he hasn't returned my calls. So I don't know what happened. For some reason he may not call me back. Who knows??

Maybe he just forgot. We are alcoholics but also human and we do forget sometimes.

The fact that he told you the truth about being in recovery speaks volumns to his honesty imho. But I could be wrong, i don't know the guy.

I think you should just ask him. Sounds like his intentions were honorable, but he should have told you something came up if he didn't just forget. He should have written it down.

Good Luck!

sorry but that's another huge red flag. your situation sounds familiar - been there in the past. liking a guy and wanting it to work out so i don't want to pay attention to the red flags, but the fact that you're on line asking people for help gives you alot of information right there. you know the answer.

if i understood you correctly, now you've called him a few times to find out why he didn't show or call, am i right? and he's not returning your calls. that's a situation that pushes my buttons - it makes me a little crazy and i have - rather had an overwhelming need to get the answer, to resolve the uncertainty and sadly, usually at whatever cost to me. like the others say, cut your losses now, a little heartache and disappointment at one month is so much less than 6 months down the road. it took me along time to finally learn that behavior speaks a lot louder than talk.

also, i used to confuse trustworthiness with someone confiding in me, ie., telling me about his past and all the 'dark' times," letting it all out" . trust and honesty are interwoven and take time to be earned. good luck.

oh... ask yourself if this situation feels familiar. until i got a lot of professional help and learned to live the 12 steps of AA, i continually repeated the same painful relationships eventhough i thought this one looked different and i was determined not to repeat it.

Yes if it is over now it is better now then 6 mos from now. It is just so hard. I had a husband that didn't care for me or listen to me then by accident I met this guy that really seemed honestly to have concern for me. I do believe that. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone. But I believe he has a lot of issues of his own to work out. I evidently don't know all the problems he is dealing with and it will probably be too much for my life now.

I really wish I hadn't met him. It was fun but I think I could cope better just not knowing how that attention he gave to me felt like. I don't think I want to take the chance at having a relationship with anyone anymore. I am 54 and just don't want to deal with any of it anymore.