I think that part of my addiction problems, as with others, actually stem from a longing to be loved. As a child, I grew up in a family where alcohol was the norm. My mother never drank much, but beer was a regular thing with my father. He was a very regular kind of person. He had his regular routines that he seemed to follow no matter what, and seemed to be very self disciplined. It took me many years to see that he was alcoholic. He was a weird kind. Usually only drank about three or four beers a day, always at the same times, and very rarely got obnoxious, but then again, even if he did that would have been normal to me and I would not have seen it as wrong at the time. I think that it's hard for anyone to feel loved when addictions are present. The addicted person is usually more focused on their addictions, and not able to balance the needs of others. I remember my mother always had hundreds of Harlequin romance novels by her bedside, which I beleive now was an attempt to fantasize about romance, and the love she wasn't receiving in real life. I've heard many say in recovery groups that we were too selfish to really love anyone. This is unfortunately true, but I am speaking for myself. This is a topic that does make me sad to remember. It will always be a painful memory I think. I remember at the height of my addictions, and very ignorent of anything that was going on, my addictions came before the needs of anyone, or anything, including my wife and children. I think a lot of times that when we finally are able to be honest, and admit the way we really were, and see how selfish we had actually become, it can be a very painful. At least this is true for me. At the time when I was living with my wife and children, I never saw how bad I was. We rationalize, justify our actions with so many lies that we actually beleive our own bullshit. It took me many years to admit the truth. I went through my first real recovery house swearing up and down how much of a good husband and father I was. I argued and fought to not see the truth, and the truth after my first real self inventory, was that I was not a good husband or father by any means. it was a painful realization, and admtion that left me with a whole new kind of pain. I try not to dwell in this because, and I try to forgive myself. I didn't know at the time really what I was doing. I was able to see that alcohol did controle my life, and that I was powerless to do anything about it. Through this I see that I was only able to love, as much as alcohol allowed me. I would never have done the things I did in my right mind. I did love my wife and children with all my heart, but the addictions were much stronger than that. No matter what i truly wanted to do, or knew I should do, alcohol had the final say. Over the years, and through many relapses I have learned much about love. For myself, I have come to the realization that love is a choice, and not about emotions. Emotions can be deceptive, and not always an accurate account of reality. I beleive that love is a choice we make, and involves more action, rather than emotion. While studying the bible, and learning about the God of my understanding at a treatment center, I came to the realization that to truly love another we can only accomplish this through God. While there, I learned that God was love, which totally was contrary to the punishing God I had grown up beleiving in. It is only by following his ways, and putting into action his teachings that we are able to overcome the selfish desires of our nature, that allows us to love. I experienced this not long ago in a relationship, that I chose to be in. It was really such a whole differant experience that I had never had in my life. It was not based on emotions at all. I remember that I made the choice to love this person. I didn't even know what she really looked like when I first met her, but I remember the freedom I felt in making that choice. I think it was the best experience of my life. I was sober at the time, and able to make the choices to love. Being responsible, and doing things unselfishly was such a great thing. I wasn't able to hang on to it, because I still, and may always will struggle with addictions. But the one thing it did teach me was that real love can only be attained through a sober life, with God as the focus. I'm struggling now, but this experience is what gives me hope. I want love in my life. It truly is the most rewarding thing I ever have experienced. No amount of money, drink or drugs, can ever compare with love, but it is a choice we make. I don't know why I felt compelled to write this, but I hope that it has some use and purpose. All the best. James