For the sake of your kids and yourself, try to quit. Try AA or Smart Recovery.

I totally was right there, I felt the need to be strong and not let on that anything was bothering me. But in the end it was ruining my life. I found a new way to live without booze. It is thru other alcoholics teaching me that Im not a bad person, I just have a problem when it comes to alcohol. I couldnt do it on my own. I tried every single day only to fail by the time the sun set. Why because I was addicted to alcohol. It is a drug that is sold in a bottle. and i was hooked. I too would wake up in the middle of the night and now I know it is because of withdrawal, my body had processed the drug and wanted more. This is a habit that can be broken. imagine a sober you that is in control and remembers what you said and did last night. Its very possible but to make it so you gotta do something different. because if nothing changes, nothing changes.
1is2many

For me, it was more about loving myself enough to have the courage to ask for help. I told my doctor who was the first person to give me support and to congratulate me on taking action to control this deadly disease. We discussed what my options were and she gave me a referal to an IOP (intensive outpatient program) where I went to have my intake done. This took a few hours. I was ask many questions so the counselor could determine what my underlying issues were that predisposed me to addiction and alcoholism. I was treated for those issues and it made it much more easier for me to stay sober.

You are at a crossroad in your life and the decision you make will affect the quality of the remainder of your life. You can choose to live a happy sober life and have everything you need or you can stay on that downward spiral to a problematic lifestyle. PJ made a reference once to being on a train that's guaranteed to crash at the end of the line. Do you get out now and begin a new life free from the chains of addiction, or do you ride it for as long as you can, until it crashes and there are no survivors? The choice is yours, nobody on this forum can make it for you. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

God Bless

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, use the shame to propel yourself forward. There is so much support for this. Get to a meeting if you can. Where do you live?

Be hard on yourself in that you are the only mom these kids have. Your kids didnt ask for a drunk mom, and they deserve a sober mom. And you deserve to live sober. Its not easy to get sober and stay sober but its totally and 100% possible. I got sober coming up on 6 years ago with three kids under 4, and a big stressful career, as the sole bread winner in my home. I still am. Today I don't have perfect kids and no way am I proud of every moment as a mom. But wow I'm present, I remember, I'm there for them and for myself. I'm so grateful to be sober. So like the others have said, take action. it gets worse NEVER better if you keep doing the same old same old. AA worked for me, smart recovery, therapy, cold turkey, religious groups, faith based programs, whatever. Just sign your ass up for something and GO. you owe this to yourself and to those children.

I was also drinking to relax after a stressful day, felt I deserved it after working so hard. I also used it to help me sleep but ironically it began to disrupt my sleep almost every night.
I stopped drinking three days ago, the first night I had a hard night sleeping but the second was much better and last night was really good. waking up clear eyed and headed feels very good.
Each night I'm telling myself that my body is healing as is my mind and spirit and that I deserve THAT! My two sons are grown and on their own and I'm widowed so I do live alone, but I retire in two years and I plan on enjoying my two grandsons and being a real part of their lives. I'm grateful for the support of this forum.
Prayer has helped as well and concentrating on what I'm grateful for.
Wishing you peace

Stickywick hit the nail on the head. Most of us sober folks had kids when we sobered up. I thought I was hiding it from everyone. The kids lived with me so they certainly knew. Others close to me had been around me when I was "having a drink". Your kids deserve a mother that is 100% present in their lives. I was a class mom, went on school field trips, cooked clean, etc but my kids (8&11)knew I wasn't emotionally there. I am in my 25th year now and much healing has taken place. And my daughter is pregnant with twins! Life is not a spectator sport, it is about getting out there and LIVING. If I can do it, anyone can. Like 1is2 says, C'mon and get some! Hugs, Dianna

Make up your mind and stick to it. The hardest part is thinking, I'll never drink again. After 5 years sober, I don't want to drink again. There is pure joy in holding your head up, being present and being sober.

I've been going to AA for 6 days, sometimes 2x a day. it may be what you are missing. i felt so similar to how u described..... please just give it a try.... hugs <3

Thank you all for responding. After I posted this I spent the next two days completely sober. I felt great and I slept like the dead. Yesterday I let anxiety get to me fromantic a situation I am dealing get with in my life. I had a beer with dinner and then I had 3 shots. After the 3rd I froze and asked myself what the fuck I was doing. I stopped at that point and downed some Gatorade and ate some pretzels. I drank a ton of water before bed. My oldest asked me what was wrong. I think she is catching on. I know this road is going to be difficult at first but it is a road I want to be on.

There is no way I could not drink booze if it was in my house. Its just my obsessive - compulsive mind that has no defense when that feeling floods me of unease. Get it out of the house and another thing that got me thru was the ability to call another person and vent. The bottling up effect will result in a drink every time, i am like a pressure cooker and the only way to vent is to get it off my mind or drink. period.
1-2

Hello Girlonfire77,

You can do this and be there for your children, alert and sober.

As you will have learned from the last week, it is possible for you to remain sober but even when you were feeling great, you were in a battle with the urge to drink and the urge won out in the end. When I went off drinking for short periods of time I really hated it at the start. Then, after I got used to not drinking I actually felt OK with it, felt better physically and did some useful things with the load of money that I had saved. However, at the back of my mind there was always a countdown to when I could go back to old ways, i.e. get plastered every night. This went on until the last time that I tried it and found that I just could not stay sober for more than about a week. Looking back, it seems pathetic but at the time I had no idea about what was wrong with me and could not understand how or why I always found “genuine” reasons to drink. I know now that I had become obsessed with alcohol and would always find or manufacture a reason.

I am fiercely independent in my thinking and I didn’t want help from anyone. There was one group in particular that I really disliked and that was Alcoholics Anonymous. If I had been reading posts on internet forums at the time and people were saying negative things about AA, I would have been delighted. I would drink away, with the attitude of “I told you so”. Maybe it was fortunate for me that I had not been aware of these forums at the time and when everything else failed, I dragged myself reluctantly into an AA meeting. That was almost seven years ago now and I can tell you that it was the best thing that I ever did.

Well, that’s my boring story – no drama, no DUI’s, no hospitals or treatment centres but sober every day and really enjoying life, even when a lot of things are going wrong as they have been over the last couple of months.

As I said, you can do it but I suspect that you will need to look at what has not worked for you up until now and try something different.

Hi everyone,

I'm doing better so far. Since my slip the other day I have been solid. I can't say I'm on board with AA. I don't do religion. I decided to talk to my doctor and try Smart recovery. I'm writing a journal every day and making myself accountable. I will beat this!

Well done for staying focused - it's hard but the common ground here is that we have all been there. I like you am not religious but I have spent the last 12 months reading and learning as much as I can about how alcohol wrecks our lives, bodies and families and the books i found the best were
* Alcohol lied to me : by Craig Beck
* Stop Drinking and Start Living : by Liz Hemingway
* I need to stop drinking : by Liz Hemingway
All available from Amazon on kindle
What I found good about these books and the way they are written was that I could relate to everything that was said - the authors are not preaching at you nor are they relaying gods will but simply explaining how alcohol addiction crept upon them .... the one glass with dinner that became the one bottle before bed to several bottles before bed ........ x
You will beat this - we all will and remember when you feel as though your strength or focus becomes blurred shout out for support - I did this week and the support the guys gave me pulled me around xxx