If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be today, I may not have said it but I would have thought dead. I look back now on that person and I am filled with a deep sadness for her. It is hard to remember the intense feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that ruled my life for so many years. My drinking had begun in High School normally enough. Drinking on the weekends when we could find someone to buy it for us or at a party. I always had fun but I did notice early on that I drank differently than my friends. I always wanted more.
I was 17 when I started college and quickly had enough friends from work and school who were more than happy to buy me alcohol. I was still having fun, doing well in school, working a lot of hours and keeping my drinking to the weekends. I met my fiance when I was 19 and fell in love. We met somewhere in the middle of our lifestyles. He had what you could call a "wholesome" upbringing and was looking for some excitement and I had what you could call a "rebellious" upbringing and was looking to move away from the party lifestyle. We both found what we were looking for but also found that we both enjoyed drinking to excess. Luckily he did not follow the path of alcoholism that I did but our relationship did suffer the consequences of our drinking. I think our early relationship could best be described as turbulent and absent of a real connection.
My family life from a young age had been difficult. My Mother had started to get sick, only occasionally at first but continued to progress into constant pain and disability. I think my Dad was ill prepared to be a Father and deal with the stresses of a young child and a sick wife. He was emotionally abusive to both my Mom and me and their relationship consisted of many separations and ultimately divorce when I was 15. I was always relieved when he would leave as the fighting would stop but also felt abandoned and afraid. I was too young to know how to take care of my Mom, but as an only child I did my best. I remember crying in private a lot as my parents were not emotional people and rarely expressed their feelings except in anger.
I started suffering from anxiety and panic attacks when I was around 22 years old. I'm still not sure what brought them on. I had always been an anxious child, always feeling out of place and alone and had learned to bottle my emotions so maybe the panic attacks were my bodies way of telling me I needed to do something. Within a few years of my first panic attack I could barely drive to the store without my heart beating out of my chest and my hands shaking. I can't count how many times a trip to the grocery store ended with me having to leave the cart inside and leave in a panic. Soon, I just felt like I wasn't human anymore. I couldn't do anything. I had quit college to move to a new city with my Mom. I rarely saw my then boyfriend. I had cut off contact with friends because I was so ashamed and embarrassed by who I had become. The only "friend" that remained with me throughout the years was alcohol. It was always there for me. It never judged me. It saw me for who I was and it always offered itself to me. I could find numbness in drinking. I was even able to convince myself for a long time that it made me happy.
Eventually things got bad, really bad. I always had to drink or I would get sick. I would fill water bottles with vodka and carry them with me everywhere. I always knew how much liquor I had and was deathly afraid of running out. I was rarely hungry, always nauseous and lost far too much weight. Then one night, sitting in bed I can remember my right arm getting tight and pulling upwards and that is all I recall. I had had my first of many seizures.
For many people a seizure would have been their bottom, but not for me. If anything I started to drink even more. I was always intoxicated. I would have vodka in my morning coffee and didn't stop drinking until I passed out. I knew I was dying. I was hallucinating, my ankles were swelling, I couldn't keep food down and I knew it was only a matter of time. I still did not stop.
Life continued to worsen. My Mom's health continued to deteriorate quickly as did my own. I wanted to stop, I thought about it every day. I made promises every day to myself that I quickly broke the next morning. I had most of the people in my life fooled until I was hospitalized.
I had a seizure in front of my then boyfriend who called my Aunt and the two of them took me to the emergency room where I had another seizure. I was hospitalized in the neurology ward as I had a knot on my head and they were unaware of my alcoholism. I remember very little of my hospital stay, most of what I know is from the hospital records. I was found on many occasions wandering the halls, confused and looking for my Mom. Most likely I was suffering from DT's. I do remember asking a nurse for a phone book. I called a taxi at one in the morning, unhooked my IV's, got dressed and left unbeknownst to the nurses. I took the taxi to purchase a large bottle of vodka and cigarettes. I was able to somehow get past security and back to my room without any of the nurses noticing. I would have gotten away with my escape if my then boyfriend had not visited the next day and noticed my slurring of words and behavior similar to when I was drunk. The nurse searched my bag and found a half drunk bottle of vodka and the receipt from the night before. When my blood alcohol was taken it was 0.21. After this I had a nurse put on duty outside of my door for a couple days and when I tried to leave again they called the police. Luckily, I was only returned to my room and finally discharged a few days later. When I returned home I did not stop drinking, I continued still for another few months.
I have heard some alcoholics say they had an epiphany or fell to their knees and prayed for help. I don't know if I experienced or did those things, I do not remember. I only remember calling my Aunt one day and saying I would finally go to rehab. I'm not sure if my Mom understood when I told her I had to leave to get better but I hugged her that day and went into 90 days of rehab.
The rehab center I went to is nothing like the ones most people see on TV. I saw it as a last stop. I was either going to get well or die. The area available to smoke in looked out on an old cemetery and the other side had views of a hospital not too far away. There were two rooms for the women, the first had 12 or so single beds and the second had 6 or so bunk beds. All of the furniture was donated, the facility was in old army barracks so the walls were painted brick, they even brought prisoners from the nearby jail in on occasion for treatment. At first I didn't think I could stay. This place was so different than anything I had ever experienced. It didn't take me long to begin making friends and for the first time in a long time I started to feel alive again. It wasn't easy. I went through withdrawals without any medical supervision. I hallucinated everyday for weeks, I fell to the floor seizing in front of everyone. But eventually after the first month or so I started to become myself again. My thoughts were no longer jumbled and I started not to feel as though I could not function. I stopped trembling. I could eat. I found hope again.
I'm writing this as I think about being sober for five years two weeks from today. Sobriety has not been all pink clouds and AA meetings holding hands with other alcoholics. My Mother passed away not even a year from my being out of rehab. It was the most painful experience of my life but I am so thankful that I was sober for it. In the end it was ultimately my decision whether or not to prolong her life after she did not wake from surgery. I was able to see her and talk to her before her surgery and tell her I loved her when she was still awake and I was able to fulfill her wishes not to be kept alive by life support. These are things I would never wish for anyone to experience but I am grateful that I was able to be there for her sober, as I would not have been able to be there for her if I was still drinking. I have many regrets in my life and I am thankful this is not one of them.
I also sustained an injury mountain biking not long after I moved to a new city with my then boyfriend and required a total hip replacement when I was 34 years old. I was very scared that having to take pain medication after my surgery would trigger cravings for alcohol and am thankful this did not happen.
I have since gotten engaged, moved to a new state and 6 months ago went back to school and was recently admitted into a competitive program. It amazes me how much life has changed. I am still scared and afraid but I no longer curl up into a ball and hide. I am trying new things, forcing myself to go for what I want and once again have hope for the future.
Although I don't attend A.A. meetings on a regular basis I always have the Blue book on my dresser and never forget that I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. If I drink, I will quickly go back to where I was and I will die. For me I see no grey area, it is very black and white. If I stay sober I can live and if I return to drinking I will die. I still struggle but I try to remember to take it one day at a time. I wish others well on their journey into and during sobriety