Hello lefluerdelis,

Yes, he can change. The big question might be, is he willing to change? I would urge you to be cautious or you could be in for a lot of misery and heartbreak.

Your presence may give him a happy future but you will not fix his alcohol problem – that is something that he must do for himself. There is a strong chance that he is going to need outside help and AA would be a good place to start.

If you are going to commit to this relationship, Al-Anon meetings may help you.

The video at the link below will give you a good understanding of alcoholism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

The only way he will quit is when the pain of drinking is too great. It's about a 1 in 100 chance he will be able to ever quit and never drink again.

My opinion... keep your options open. Alcoholics are a heartbreaking bunch

1is2many

Does an alcoholic have to give up drinking for the rest of their lives to be dry or is it ok for them to be able to have a few drinks once in a while? As I said, I'm a novice. Even if I wasn't in love with him he is a bighearted person who I would still wish to support...

Can he change? Millions of people have recovered from alcoholism, so the answer is factually yes. However, PJ hit the nail on the head when he said "is he willing to change."

I know several alcoholics who are not shy about divulging their alcoholism to others, only in reality to be suffering from a selfish desire on the inside to encourage others to have pity on them. If you truly know how harmful you alcoholism is, you seek help, you do anything to not drink, and instead of stating it to others, you shift to an ambition of inner change, so you no longer have to warn others of your alcoholism.

It's like mentally ill people who lash out, then apologize with a statement of "I didn't take my medicine", eventually it gets old and makes it impossible to not have some degree of resentment around them.

I think it is very important for al-anons and partners of alcoholics to know it is never them that is the problem, and also that it is impossible to put alcoholism in it's place or treat it from the outside with enabling and pity. The alcoholic needs a relationship with a higher power, others who suffer from alcoholism, an attitude change, willingness, and to see clearly how their illness, and their mental errors, make life difficult for both them and others.

Hello lefluerdelis,

Once a person has crossed the line into alcoholism, he or she cannot drink safely now or in the future. Science and medicine may someday find a way to change this but that is how it is right now.

The reason why an alcoholic cannot drink safely is that a change occurs in the way in which the body reacts to alcohol. A small quantity such as one drink produces a physical craving for more alcohol and each extra drink makes the craving stronger. The physical craving can become so strong that no human power can resist it. This is why an alcoholic will continue to drink long after other people have stopped after a few drinks. The craving for more cannot be set off if the alcoholic avoids taking the first drink, so yes, an alcoholic needs to avoid alcohol for the rest of his or her life.

From what you said, so far he has been unwilling to change. I don't know anybody who can quit without help of some sort. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him to see a doctor and get checked in to a detox and treatment center where they can medicate him for withdrawals and point him in the direction of the right kinds of help based on his background and his underlying issues that trigger his addiction! If he does nothing then he will just keep you on the same roller coaster ride and turn your life into a living hell.

I remember my dad had a very nice and supportive girlfriend after my mother died but she would not enable him. She left him once due to his drinking but she refused to go back to him until he could prove to her that he could stay sober, which he did because he went through a 30 day treatment program through the VA.

My suggestion is to be caring but be careful. If he keeps this up, not only will he hurt himself but you as well.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

God Bless

The only person letting your boyfriend down is himself so don't beat yourself up on thinking your letting him down.
He'll only commit to a life of sobriety if he chooses it for himself - like anyone with any kind of addiction we can not do it for the love of others but only for the love of ourselves!!
Whether your relationship is doomed only you can ever know the answer but what I would say is don't be the crutch for him, don't let him guilt you to staying when he tells you he loves you and don't forgive him the lies he'll tell you to excuse his drinking. Xx.

Alcoholics cannot drink normally. It's an obsession of the mind. It is also a rationalizer, so even when you've gone a lengthy while without drinking - this nagging "i could drink now and be fine" thought gets in your head. Only the committed will beat that.

Thanks all for the insight. I definitely do not feel guilty about his relapses. I understand that his alcoholism was present before we met. His drinking has nothing that do with me. He never ever acts like I should pity him, in fact he gets distant and embarrassed. I suffered a nervous breakdown years ago and was unable to function for over a year and the few people who where in my life did not even try to support me in that bad time. So I do wonder if I could have gotten on my feet much faster if I had a loving support system like he has in me. . To give him hope. He has been depressed, got injured at his job and therefore had to quit that good career and has been basically a bachelor for 35 years... ( I understand the implications behind this factor btw). I am not trying to enable him, it is not my personality. If he refuses to seek help, he has made the choice to have alcohol over me.. He told me today that Friday he will see his dr and tell him everything he has not told him about the severity of his addiction and hopefully he can get some meds and info on how to beat this....thanks again!!!