I'm sure my story isn't new here, but I just need to vent and hopefully receive advice and hear other people's stories. I do not want to talk to my family about it because I do worry what they'll think of my husband. I don't want them to dislike him for his faults because I know they'll just focus on his alcoholism. I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place.

I swore off getting into a relationship with another alcoholic because my last boyfriend Brian was addicted to drinking cough syrup and vodka. That "man" put me through hell to say the least. He got so wasted one night that he was unresponsive. I thought he was dead until I slapped him awake, screaming and crying. He drunkenly dropped a 40 oz bottle and asked me to get him some more. When I refused, he picked up a piece of glass and started to slit himself along the arm. I was terrified he would do some real damage and tried prying the glass from him. During all that, I was afraid he was going to hurt me in the process. He also, very randomly, became aggressive with me and pushed me to the ground. He then spit in my face, twisted my arm, and pulled my hair. Eventually, I moved back home after I graduated college and he came to visit for the week. It took me a long time to gather the courage to leave him. And I knew during his visit that I couldn't wait for him to leave. I literally let out a deep sigh in relief when I dropped him off at the airport. I said, "never again".

Then, I met my now-husband, Cam. He told me he was a sober man, but hid his lack of sobriety from me for months. Our relationship was long distance, which is why it took me so long to find out. By then, I was already deeply in love and thought if he could become sober before, he could do it again and I'd be there to support him. It's been 4.5 years into our relationship and his drinking habits is just as equally strong as it was in the beginning, sometimes worse. I know him continuing drinking has nothing to do with how much he loves me. I know it's a disease and quitting will be one of the hardest things he'll ever have to do. But as the days pass along, I grow more hurt and resentful. Every time I hear the pop of another beer can opening, it just destroys a little bit more of my soul. I've had numerous conversations with my husband about quitting drinking and how it's affecting his family. I know he cares, but it hasn't stopped him yet. I don't know how to get through to him. I've tried being supportive, kind, empathetic, angry, but its as though it goes in one ear and out the other. I don't think he acts that way to be callous, but because it hurts him to face the reality that he's hurting me and our daughter. Sometimes I think about leaving, but financially it's impossible. I don't have family down here. It's just us. I know some people might say I need to let him hit rock bottom, but I can't let me and my daughter suffer financially either. I feel so trapped. I cannot live the rest of my life this way. My husband knows that I am extremely unhappy in our marriage. He has cried himself to sleep over it, but still continues drinking the way he does. I want to help him, but I know there's not much I can do until he truly wants to quit. But what can I do for me and my daughter to help get through this? I sometimes worry about losing my job because he gets so drunk during his weekend that he is unfit to take care of our baby and I have to call out "sick". Although I haven't told him yet, I have it set in my mind that when our lease is up next year, I'll leave if there isn't progress. In the meantime, I'm going to work overtime to save up money in case I need to pack mine and my daughter's things and move across the country with family. I don't want to divorce him but I'm just so tired.

But it's not just the alcoholism that makes me want to leave sometimes. He doesn't help me around our home. Even when I was pregnant and very ill he never offered to help around the house or to do the grocery shopping for me, even though every time I went I felt like passing out and would always vomit from exerting myself. I beg for help. He always says "I know" and feels bad about it, but yet again nothing changes. He'll often blame my student loan debt as our reason for basically living paycheck to paycheck, yet he spends HALF of his income on booze and cigarettes. His computer also gets more attention than me and my daughter. When we have the same day off, I'm still the one taking complete care of our daughter. The only help I get is the help I demand from him.

Although it sure seems it, I'm not trying to make him out to be a jerk. Otherwise, he's a good man.

Please be gentle with me if you respond. I am already feeling pretty damn low.