Hello sugar1189.

There is one thing that I would like to say to you and if I was standing beside you I would keep repeating it over and over: THERE IS HOPE.

I know that there is hope for you because I know of other people who have recovered from the same problem that you have and I know it especially because I myself have also recovered from that problem.

You are probably dealing with alcoholism and it is a condition that is not well understood by many of those who suffer from it. If you are an alcoholic you are drinking because it has become an obsession of the mind. I have no doubt at all that the promises you have made to your husband are completely genuine and you have every intention of staying sober but yet, you drink again. The reason that you cannot keep those promises despite your best intentions is that the obsession for alcohol becomes so strong that it always overcomes your willpower. The second thing that makes life so difficult for an alcoholic is that we are people who have developed an abnormal reaction to alcohol. This occurs in the body and the result is that a small amount of alcohol such as one little drink will produce a strong craving for more. This is why you may start off with the intention of having only a couple of drinks and end up having a lot more, with all of the associated problems that you have described.

You state that nobody, including your husband has any idea how much you drink and that was my experience as well. Even I myself did not have a clear idea of how much money I was spending on alcohol each week and that was because I deliberately avoided thinking about it too much, knowing that I would not like the answers. You are not a lying or a horrible person so please dont think that about yourself. You are probably suffering from an illness called alcoholism and that means that you are an ill person, not a horrible person. Like you, I could not imagine a life without alcohol and besides, that didnt matter because I could not stop drinking anyhow. Today, I live a happy and content life and drinking is in my thoughts only when I write about it here or talk at AA meetings.

The great news that I have for you today is that you need never drink again and not only that but you can have a great life without alcohol. The solution to the problem is very simple, although not always easy. It is not the sixth or the tenth drink or the third bottle that is the cause of your problems but the FIRST drink. If you avoid the first drink you will never have a craving for more and you will not experience those other unpleasant things you have described.

Therefore, your hope for the future lies in finding some method that removes that obsession of the mind that drives you to take the first drink. I tried to do that on my own but despite my best efforts, I failed. Eventually I admitted defeat and went to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was almost seven years ago now and I have not taken a drink since.

Therefore, if you have had enough of drinking and honestly want to quit, you will be ready to do whatever is necessary. AA works for a lot of people who once had the same problem that you have it could work for you too. There is HOPE.

Sugar! The alcohol is messing with your mind and making you think you want to die.

You don't want to die that would devastate your child, husband and family.

The good news is...if you can pick a day and avoid that first drink for at least 5 days...the withdrawal will pass and your mind and body will start to heal and you will not have these dark and depressing thoughts. You will start to enjoy life again. It does sound like you are an alcoholic and you may need medication in order to help you stop.

Does your Dr. know that you drink? Its very important that when you detox that you inform a Dr. or a hospital. And if you are unwilling to do that...you maybe should read about tapering off. Do not abruptly stop your drinking without being educated on what you will go thru when you do stop drinking. People who stop drinking after long periods of time go thru withdrawal and sometimes that withdrawal can be deadly if not managed properly. Alcoholism is the only disease that can KILL you during withdrawal if you are not careful.

You have already taken the first step believe it or not by admitting you have a problem with alcohol. Don't give up - when you finally achieve the first week without a drink...I promise your mind will start to think differently, the depression will lift and you will be able to start feeling better about yourself.

Please reach out to a Dr. and try to stop the vicious cycle of alcoholism. As PJ mentioned AA saved my life 8 years ago....when I didn't know what to do...I went to AA. I replaced my drinking with AA and Dunkin Donuts coffee. Most Drs and therapist will tell you there has to be a replacement for the time we spend drinking. I felt lost without the alcohol....but after a short period of time..I realized that it was the alcohol that was keeping me lost.

Stop beating yourself up...many are afflicted with this illness. You have a chance as long as your willing to FIGHT.

I used to have alot of shame and guilt. I was in a cycle of drink , hate myself, repeat.

The only way i could break out of the cycle was to go to a room every day. I was about to kill myself , and did put a gun in my mouth because i was so sad and hopeless.

My last drink this time was june 9 2012. You can get sober. I believe in you. Go find some other ppl that have been where you are at and begin to get better.

Today i dont have all that shame and guilt. I do have to remember how bad it was by talking with another person ea day and continuing on the path

C;mon!!!

1is2many

I also hit that point. I finally truly faced what I was doing to myself and those around me. I moved out of desperation mode into action. I quit.

The first day was difficult -- mainly because it had been YEARS since i had made it through a single day without drinking. But I did it and kept going, one foot in front of the other.

You might want to look at going to the ER and doing a medical detox. They can help you break the physical addiction safely.

it might seem impossible right now, but you can get sober. And your life is going to change for the better.

Thank you so much for your replies...I have been thinking about them all day. Yes I can do this bla bla bla. But it really is a tough cycle to break. I think I will print these replies off and go back to them for strength, and also think how sad my husband looks.

I keep thinking about the summer, my whole summer revolves around bbq piss ups etc. I suppose I should just focus on the moment and keep myself busy for that moment.

This morning I did feel I wanted to die. Of course that was my hangover head talking. We all know that the binge makes you feel fantastic for a few hours. But the come down is horrendous and very depressing.

I think everyone at some point in there life felt like that. I remember giving up smoking and the druging, but continued to keep drinking. One day I went to the bathroom after being hung over and having an all nighter and looked in the mirror and thought, 'what have I done to myself'?
My face was bloated, bags under my eyes, I had a stomach (which I never had in my life), I looked physically and mentally drained. And it was all my own doing.
I even recall a time saying in my head 'the drycleaners didn't clean my shirts good enough'. It had nothing to do with them, it was all me, alcohol coming out of my pores.
It looks like You made a decision to change for the GOOD today and going forward. U will be ok...

Go get some help. The worst feelings of shame and anxiety I had were when I was a drunk mom. I had three little kids and couldnt stay sober. I can relate to the self pity and hell you are in.
You may need rehab. Go see a DR, tell her honestly how you drink and you may need detox. I didnt. I went straight to AA and the women in particular in the rooms helped me get and stay sober a day at a time. i wasnt physically addicted though so it wasnt dangerous.
Get help. You have the gift of desperation right now so act on it.

Alcoholism will rob you of all worthwhile so the time to act is now. If you need to detox from physical dependence please do so safely!

Relying on self is a risky business when you have lost the capacity to be honest. I got out from under with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous.

If your son and your husband mean anything to you, which, I am sure they do, that's all the more reason to get sober and to stay sober; don't ya think?

I went directly to the emergency room and told them I was an alcoholic and needed HELP!

They immediately put me into detox where I stayed for 4 days. I was given medications to help me through the withdrawals by a doctor trained in substance abuse who gave me a complete physical!

From there, I went through an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) where I learned about my addiction and was treated for the things that triggered my addiction such as PTSD and depression and some other things.

My counselors sent me to additional aftercare in the form of 3 months of relapse prevention group counseling where I learned what my triggers were and how to deal with them.

Throughout all of the treatment, AA meetings were mandatory and I attended them religiously.

That was over 7 years ago. I can honestly say, I am sober today by the Grace of God and the 12 steps and fellowship of Alcoholics anonymous.

God Bless!

Quitting alcohol is like dying. After death of alcohol there is a reincarnation. It's like I am another person, who is no longer a problem to my wife. Just hang in there. You have the power to quit. it is tough, but you can do it. Get ready to enjoy a fantastic sober life.