Chapter 3, "More About Alcoholism" pg. 30

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

What I am not doing...

I don't think that I am really connecting with any sort of power outside myself. I am half ass praying to a god that I'm not really all that sure is going to help me. I think if I make an effort, the faith might come to me. I think I should be praying and meditating more. Not doing so feels like self sabotage.

I also think I can be more service oriented, as in thinking of helping others instead of myself all the time.

I can't drink. It is useless. No positive ever comes. I am always worse off afterward than I was before.

PaulS... I have no desire to drink like a normal person, but I am sure I have an obsession that it won't be as bad "this time".

So how about examining your concept of a Higher Power more closely.

For me, my basic ideas of God came from the authority figures I knew when I was small, thrown in with some scary stuff from the bible, feeling fear of a punishing or angry God and not being worthy of the attention of any God. So those ideas had to change to find a workable concept.

I found what works for me and it works well, it's simple and good and I fit myself to grow more into what I trust it wants me to be.

This stops me dwelling on what I want my life to be like for myself and what I want to have for myself.

Getting away from self centred desires is freeing by following age old spiritual principles.

Tara my sponsor tells me to pray even if I didnt believe. I didnt at first, I do now. I know some people think the "fake it till you make it" is disengenous, but it worked for me. I acted as if....and still do on some things...until I like the reaction so much, both from me and from others, that it becomes habit, and a new behaviour. Ive had to sort of fake it till I make it on so many things as I've essentially been an addict/ drunk since I was 10 or 11. I wasnt sure what "sanity" I'd be "restored" to. It was more like built from the ashes up.
Anyway try everything. Keep an open mind. You'll progress before you even realize it.

I drove drunk last night to get vodka because the wine wasnt giving me a fix. I blacked out, passed out, peed my bed and ransacked my second bedroom for who knows what reason. I ate a bottle of b12 chewable vitamins probably because I thought they would get me high (hilarious IMO). And my first thought when i woke up this morning was "omg I'm controlling it - this isn't bad enough to get sober." I'm hiding my drinking from everyone I know and care about and even wrote a card to my family and friends just in case I die. And still I am drinking again. Tomorrow is my nieces 3rd bday and I can't think of a better day to get sober for good. This HAS to be doable.

Of course it is doable - with the help and by the grace of a Power greater than yourself.

Sorry, self-will won't cut it once you have gone beyond a certain point in the progression of this illness. If you DO want to stop, ask yourself why? Is it just because you want the consequences of your drinking to stop? That won't cut it either.

Get your Big Book and re-read the first four chapters - here's an important bit from p.25:

"So many want to stop but cannot.

There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it.

When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at out feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed.

The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe.

The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.

If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."

Please consider.

That's progression.

I was nodding my head when I read your last post, because I have done all that (other than the B12's...may have been Flinstones or something instead ha ha). All that stuff you wrote - I have done and then gone further down the scale. Note included. I actually started to get my affairs in order just in case. Like you, I knew deep down inside this thing was going to *kill me*. But yet, we still drink.

That's the insanity. Thinking we can control it or thinking "this time will be different". I had 25 years of "this time will be different".

What does your sponsor have to say about all this? I hope you are being as honest to them as you are here. Funny how even after all the damage we do, we still think we are in control. More insane thinking! So maybe you're right - maybe it has to get worse before you find surrender . I hope it doesn't. But until you have conceded, accepted and admitted to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic, then the ego will continue to try and run the show and things will get worse.

Realize that I say this not to be Mr. Doom and Gloom. It's just that alcoholism always gets worse and never better. Fatal progressive illness. We've all been there.

Be Well,
Paul

"Juast for today" Anna. 26th of december is a good day to stay sober
We only have this day this minute nothing else exists

Anna,
Yes, it is doable.

I can't presume to know the path that you should take. But it breaks my heart to see you fall over and over again.

Let me share some thoughts with you... don't know if it will help.

You know I do Bikram yoga. As we were lying on our sweat soaked towels in a room heated to 105 degrees, the teacher told us that we lack harmony between mind and body. The body wants to go further in a back bend to help heal the spine, the mind protests -- "no that is too scary.' When we can get the mind and body to stop fighting and be in tune with each other, then they can hold hands and together knock on the door of spirit and be welcomed.

Balance.

I don't think I can be a t peace "spiritually" (and oh my how often that word gets thrown around!) unless I have found that balance between mind, heart and body. My center. The peace within. Physical, mental, and spiritual -- they are connected and you need to pay attention to all three to achieve transformational growth. (IMO)

Ya da, ya da.

Words about spirituality fall flat to me -- they are so often just justification and mental mind games and i am sorry to contribute to that, but so it goes.

I have some thoughts specific to your post. You talk about missing surrender and how defiance and ego are your "character defects." When did ego become bad? Without ego we have no individuality, no self awareness. Self defiance is not bad in itself either -- we have lots of sheep; it is easy to follow what others say. It is more difficult to thoroughly assess a situation and develop a well thought-out plan that makes sense and is your own. To buck the tide it the tide is sweeping you out to sea.

As to the surrender part... you and I have had many discussions about this. I don't know if I ever surrendered or even what exactly you are talking about when you say maybe you are missing that bit. Here are my (latest) thoughts: :-)

I did not surrender and I certainly never admitted powerless or turned my life over to something greater than myself. On the contrary, I did the opposite. I took my power back. I quit letting alcohol run (and ruin) my life. I admitted that I am responsible for my actions. I came to realize that alcohol is poison and that I am destroying myself, mentally, physically and spiritually when I drink.And I acted on that. Remember the beginning of my sobriety journey? I did not have a program, but if I thought it was right for me I would have camped out in AA or spent a year in rehab. Whatever it takes, Anna. That is what you have to figure out and stick with.

None of my sobriety journey has anything to do with the "fact that I am not supposed to drink." (borrowing your words) It took awhile, but I changed my internal view of myself. I am not a drinker who refuses to drink a day at a time. I am a non drinker who does not drink as a way of life.

I don't know how to help you get to that point. I know you are working hard at AA and that is great -- but you are still struggling. Perhaps you should also look at CBT-based programs (like SMART) and other outlets to supplement your work in AA.

Aren't you tired of this? This drinking and not drinking and having it run your thinking whether you are drinking or not. You can get out of this. It is doable. Keep moving forward. Find the right things for you to do and keep doing them. i know -- easier said than done. So in the meantime, don't drink no matter what....

sorry to worry anyone. that was not my intent but i am sloppy lately.

i am okay. i will not drink today.

some truths... i do not have a "sponsor" because i found myself defiant and trying to control that relationship. i instead have someone who is working the steps with me. i am not accountable to anyone. no one local knows i relapsed this time. i feel like a lost cause. i only have self reliance and i cant seem to switch it around. i watch people stop drinking and it looks so simple and i can't understand why i make it so hard. i don't feel conviction. i feel like i dont give a shit anymore.

exj... all that you say makes sense to me. i think there is a fine line between i won't and i can't and i'm not sure where i stand. i know there is an obstacle in me and it seems no matter what i do or think, i won't or can't get past it. bla bla bla.

i am just going to try again.

i believed i could not fail at anything i tried. i believed i could do anything that i wanted to do. i accomplished everything i ever set out to do. i was fearless i thought.

the only thing that makes sense to me is that i want to self destruct and self sabotage or otherwise i could stop drinking. i feel like i know that and god knows that and empty prayers aren't going to keep me sober. i just have to want it with all my being.

Here's the thing Anna as long as you continue to do all the things you think you've done before . Your probably missing the whole point. A clear idea of failures creates a sense of ease , if that is what one is trying to achieve.

Freedom based on a clear eyes view Not on some tired old attempts one has already found does not create a sense of ease .....

That only muddies the water again about being Sober and what it really is in ourselves that creates the conflict.
Its like a tea kettle..." No relief" it can't do anything but boil over.. Turn off the fire .. your brain will help you then I hope:)
Billy

Yes keep trying. But maybe take a short term, as in day to day, or even moment to moment view?
And no sponsor seems to be a problem. I know it's been a life changer for me...and it doesn't come naturally. I am often defiant, and it comes out in canceling meetings with her, etc. However we've worked through it. Amazing woman and she does it for free! Sheesh!
As for surrender - for me it was a must. ExJ says she didn't but her post gives an example of where she does:-) I needed to trust in something other than my own faulty self destructive thought process.
It's amazing to me how far from the truth my mind happily takes me!

Here's the thing - I have an illness of mind and body together with a spiritual malady. If I'm going to start trusting my own thinking as far as alcohol is concerned I am doomed.

I don't know if I fall into ExJersey Girl's "sheep" category but I would rather be a live sheep than a dead duck.

I know - and have proved in my own experience - that spirituality is absolutely key in recovery. It's not a word that I or any other AA tends to "toss around" either - it's an expression that is used with sincerity and earnestness.

Someone once said to me that I hadn't "tried" AA until I had done ALL of the 12 Step program. I understand today what they meant by that.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. I will keep you in my prayers.

Dear Taradactyl,
If it were me I would check with my doc as to weather or not the anti-depressant is still working. A lot of tend to treat depression by drinking and this can't possible work as you can beat depression by drinking with a depressant. Best of luck, Eric