I just turned 49. Maybe that sounds old. It certainly would sound old to me when I was younger. Now I need to believe I am still a vital, attractive person. My father is a pastor and my family is awesome. My growing up years were so happy...I was the oldest of 4 happy, healthy, over-acheivers who were totally loved and supported. When I was 21, I became a flight attendant and did that for five years, getting married and having a baby during that time and only quit because I couldn't get child-care and because all I had REALLY ever wanted was to have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home and be a wonderful mother to wonderful kids. Everything went according to my dreams until I was 42. In fact, I was on top of the world on my 40th birthday! But when my kids entered high school, all my expectations exploded. I had done everything right. My kids were healthy and attractive. With all the advantages and support they had, they would be happy. So I thought. But 6 years ago, my expectations blew up. My two oldest kids were nothing like I'd raised them to be---they were unhappy and I had failed in the thing I had put the most effort into. My husband is a great guy but was wrapped up in his work. That wasn't a big deal when I was getting "fed" by taking care of the kids, but then they shut me out of their lives and my husband wasn't there. I was a runner. I ran every night and rewarded myself with a beer or two when I got home. Only on the weekends usually. Also, I was so lonely. I longed for relationships with my kids. I longed for connection with my husband and I loved going to pubs and drinking beer with him...that made me feel close to him. Then I started drinking 2-3 beers while making supper many nights. I can't tell you how many times I thought to myself that no one really cared what I did. And I think that was true at the time (although my mom and sister always cared but had their own lives). How did a few beers at night turn into drinking vodka during the day? I don't know. I know WHY it happened, but it totally sucks because my husband and I are now empty-nesters and he's finally understanding the "connection" and lonliness issue I've talked about our whole relationship, but now I have this monster of an addiction that is so horrible! I long and wish to go back...I want to be innocent again. I long for my great life. I didn't start drinking to forget a bad childhood or a horrible event. What does that say about me? I want to go back to when life was good. Life isn't good now. Even if I stopped drinking (which I know has to happen), life will never be as good as it used to be. I had 40 great years. Now life is full of heartache and trials.
Hello everyone! I celebrated 6 years of sobriety on February 16,2018. I am very grateful for the time that I have. There has been so many before this date in which I find odd, but not coincidental. Life is as good as I let it become.
First time back here in a while. Still sober.Keeping sober is and contnues to be a process for me. Because I am clear thinking, healthy, doesn't mean everything is smooth and okay. A drink can suddenly sound good and you start to reason with yourself that maybe you can drink just this one time because you've done this (sober up thing) before. Don't kid yourself, I don't. Expect those feelings...