Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
How is everyone?
Knowing that I am an alcoholic, and that my life is unmanagable, I would say I am doing better than I have in the past. I can do that step perfectly today. I do have alcoholism, and there is a God that will make my life spiritual enough, so that drinking will not be the best idea out of them all. With that being said, I am struggling with all the other steps. Coming to believe in a power, that can restore me to sanity is not a complete struggle, but slightly irritating.
That tells me there is something I am doing that is cutting into my faith. Faith and belief are essentials for recovery, so am I doing something that would make me believe faith will not work? Am I going to meetings? I am. Am I staying plugged into the reading, the message, and the teaching? I am. Am I doing it with humility or am I doing it with a compliance attitude? I am doing it with a compliance attitude. I am hoping I can entertain fantasies and prolong them more so than sustaining a reality that isn't anything to really fear.
There is the rub, I am putting too much interest into my ambition and the "what If's" and not enough into the present. I have a history of this, running my life off ambitions of who I would like to be other than who I really am. When I really believe that being who I am presently is the goal God wants me to seek, life gets easier, and I get a sense of real relief. Before I move on, I have to ask myself, can I presently believe in a higher power and can I believe it will return and provide sanity? Yes.
Now that I know my current problem is thinking the present is boring, and that my life is just one big "blah", can I see that an ego is probably the culprit? Yes. Are there things that I could be doing to bolster my spirit, and clarity, that see life as not boring? If I suspend my ego for a moment, I see that it is generating a heavy amount of negative input that might force me to want to direct my life towards a more "exciting" reality, which in theory will only be fantasy if I act on them. Some of the thoughts my mind is producing are bound to desires for more wealth, more sex, more security in society, more approval, simply more, more, and more (no matter what it is!). The problem has not changed, even though my ego is trying to get me to search for what is wrong, once again, it is my own selfishness that is cutting me off from God and the awesome experience of growing spiritually.
Now that I know me thinking I am not doing the steps perfectly or not doing enough to stay sober is a lie, my ego is trying to produce, so my selfishness and alcoholism will help it go off into fantasy land far from reality, I can say with assurance, something else besides it, needs to be running the present show.
Now that I know my present show, today, will be much better if God runs it, and that it will take a decision backed by humility, belief, and faith to really consummate, I am now ready to see exactly what is preventing it from doing so.
Keeping it simple I will look at my recovery life, my work life, my financial life, and my relationship life. Is my recovery life grounds for an ego to complain about? It is not perfect, and yes I do choose things treating my alcoholism does not require over things my alcoholism requires sometimes. I am doing that because I am selfish, dishonest, and afraid. Selfish because I'd rather be somewhere else than in a meeting currently, dishonest because I am thinking I am well enough to miss meetings, and afraid because I know the truth is the less I do to treat my alcoholism the less my chances of staying sober become. The exact nature of my wrong in this area is I am not admitting I am being wrong by choosing not recovery based interest over recovery based interest.
My work life, is a reason why I am choosing non-recovery related experiences over recovery related experiences. Within the last couple of years I had some employers decide to cut my income because they had the power to do so without being checked by a power above them, and it was a personality thing, they had an issue with my personality. This triggered a fear that I would not have enough work to pay the bills that were. I got a little extreme in search for work after that and developed my own demand for what I would accept as a worker. That now has developed into a set amount I "need" daily, and a standard that includes a belief that it is impossible to work too much. I am wrong in this sense where it lacks gratitude, and breeds a nature that more is not a bad thing. I currently am not ever happy with the exact amount I get, and I currently am spending long hours trying to earn money. I have some poor influences that really aren't helping due to their own self-interest and I can see how my work life is really corroded with selfishness. I am wrong because I am not admitting selfishness regardless if it is in the work area or not, is wrong for my treatment of alcoholism and humble belief greater than work ambition that God wants an awesome life for me.
My finacial life on the other hand, is well enough to not provide the anxiety I experienced while I was being refused opportunity to earn income because another didn't care for my personality. This person not liking my personality enough to where they were willing to prevent me from earning a living more so than not, sparked a drive in me to not depend on the "stupid" any longer, and I see now that I manufactured a self-reliance that filled the uninvited void of getting the income cut, but now has me fear filled that my self-reliance is robbing me of a greater God reliance that alotts me the greatest experience and provide me with more humility than I can probably handle. Sometimes a flood of humility can be dibilitating for a person like me, and my wrong here is I am not allowing my self-esteem to heal, and I am being dishonest when I do not credit myself for solving a problem I did not create intentionally, with my income being cut. I do know that God's role for me is greater than having an objective to work so much, all anxiety over an income could only be my mind making things up outside of reality. Now, my financial successes on the scale personal to me, which is not much on a larger sense but for me personally very great, has unlocked a door in the relationship area I am clearly not prepared for.
My recovery life, isn't great, and my work life, is driven by selfishness, with my financial life, not good or bad, but more so, unproblematic. This is all having a great affect on my relationship and sex life.
My relationships with people go back and forth between really connective and easy to manage, to me being terrified of them and not able to communicate like I was born to. I was born to communicate effectively and with a great understanding of them, and that includes everyone, but my alcoholism and mental corruption (of my own doings) way too often sabotages that blessing. I've been obsessing over giving myself to a particular type of women, I'll spare the details, but my instinct clearly likes a certain type right now, and that type probably needs more help than I can offer. Recently I was around my type for a couple of hours, during a work related event, and had to let them know I do not drink. It stung, not only did it sting, it let me know that I care too much for this type of women, and that amount of pressure and demand might not be good for her. I am wrong in this area because I am not allowing God to direct it. This is one of those things I will go to war with God over, I can already tell, I absolutely hate it when he cockblocks me from giving everything I have for and to my "types." The great news is AA and the steps have provided me with such a great relationship with a higher power I can accuse it of cockblocking and absolutely nothing will change about how strongly it loves me and will do what is necessary for me to have the greatest life and success possible.
I have admit my defects, I am not giving enough to what got me well and funcational, I am selfishly working to earn not working to provide and help, I am thinking earning money is the goal of life, and I am making women who I am physically and mentally attracted to gods, despite my spirit knowing it is impossible for them to manage sadly.
Am I entirey ready to have these exact nature of my life removed? I am. I have no choice to be, because I believe in how powerful God is.
Can I humbly ask for them to be removed? I can, "God please remove these exact wrongs."
Can I make a list of who I have harmed with not giving more to AA and my recovery fellows, people at work who have been negatively affected by my selfishness, obsessing and putting money over people, and all the women I make life harder for because of my own flaws? I can make a list, but I already made it above, and it includes practically anyone I encounter in life within those four areas that deserve better.
Can I make direct amends whenever possible if it is not going to harm and definitely will heal. I can with God blessing and presence.
Can I continue to take inventory so I won't have to spend and hour and a half on this shit again? Yes.
Can I continue to keep a conscious contact with God to know what he wants and what he wants me to do? Yes.
Can I keep spreading the message of recovery by simply practicing this awesome way of living that I have been given from God? Yes I can.
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
If you could stop judging yourself and stop analyzing and stop comparing yourself to others and just accept yourself the way you are, then that will give God permission to take control of your life and make it better. When you judge another or judge yourself, you are playing God....
There is a little booklet call "Acceptance" by Vincent Collins which goes into detail about the importance of acceptance.
This video might also help give a better understanding of the steps. The guy talking in it wrote two books about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIq87qCZppM&t=2719s
I am so thankful my program is really as simple as trust God, clean house and help others. That has worked for me for quite a while now.
Yard Eggs this is the second or more time you've replied in an open forum to what I've had to say with criticism that I consider disrespectful. Please do not participate in my postings further,
And this, I think, is the crux of your difficulties with sobriety and your current situation. You appear to abdicate all of your power.
If you can claim such powerlessness, perhaps I should claim that I have " no power over being critical or disrespectful" in my replies. After all, if we are all so powerless, what's good for the gander is good for the goose.
Please show me where within the program of AA it is claimed that we are powerless over all aspects of our lives, our actions and personality (since you claim difficulties with your employment are due to "issues with my personality").
According to the Big Book, specifically in Step One, we are powerless over ALCOHOL. That is ALL we are powerless over. End. of. Story.
Now certainly, our powerlessness over alcohol does manifest itself as an unmanageable life, to which the second part of the Step One alludes. By applying the Steps in our lives, we find (or at least I have found) that the difficulties with life - job, financial, personal relations, etc - become manageable and then, finally, we find success in these areas.
As for my replies to your posts...
An internet open forum is very much akin to an open AA meeting. Do you attempt to censor other members of your AA group when you feel they disagree with you? (And PS, criticism in not disrespectful, it is an expression of disagreement). Had I not listened to dissenting opinions during my early days in recovery, I may not have been able to achieve my current long term sobriety. In deed, I still listen to differing opinions and in many times, find them credible and incorporate those opinions into my program of recovery.
And apparently, I am not the lone member of this forum who finds your post troubling, as you indicate the replies where "substantially negative".
I do not reply only for your benefit. I also post on these open forum for the benefit of others that may be actively participating in these posts, or the "lurkers" who are familiarizing themselves with sobriety and perhaps AA. I believe it is my duty to offer my version of AA recovery, just as you feel it is your duty to offer your version. Again, what's good for the gander is good for the goose.
By way of a positive reply, I suggest that you read (or re-read) the book "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions". Studying this book with the guidance of my sponsor helped me understand the subtleties and nuances of the AA program that are not specifically spelled out in the basic text.
I wish you well, for indeed, I don't relish the discomfort you are currently experiencing. And perhaps that is the most compelling reason for my replies to you. It is my opinion that recovery and a sobriety should not be an ongoing struggle. My sober life is simple (and "easy"). If I am able to "simplify" or make "easier" the process and program of recovery for others, that is my deepest wish.
I do pray your sobriety becomes simple and easy and that you do experience a happy, joyous and free life.
12 and 12, page 65
If we ask, God will certainly forgive our derelictions. But in no case does He render us white as snow and keep us that way without our cooperation. That is something we are supposed to be willing to work toward ourselves. He asks only that we try as best we know how to make progress in the building of character.
So Step Six—“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”—is A.A.’s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The key words “entirely ready” underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn.
As stated above, the removal of character defects requires that we apply our personal power to lessening (with the hopes of eradicating) our problematic defects.