I am having financial struggles and the fear is overwhelming.  I just wanted to get out of myself and maybe talk to someone else about what is hard in their lives.  

Powerlessness in this area is making me want to drink.  My mind two days ago told me it was a good idea.  Spiritually I am well enough from going to meetings and talking to other alcoholics at those meetings to know I cannot trust my mind right now, it is both telling me to drink and figuring out solutions to the financial distress.  The main tool my mind is using is fear however, and just like the literature says, it is making things worse, because it is based in selfishness.  I have a mind right now that is reacting very poorly to financial challenges, that is very resentful at providers who aren't providing, and that is powerless over the fear and shame with guilt it is operating off of.  

If anything I need to admit openly I am psychologically experiencing rage, fear, and frustration.  All of that is making me very powerless, in terms of solving the problem.  On top of that, my belief system isn't well enough for me to just use will power to believe that God has the solution, I think the resentment that my plans aren't being honored by God's help, is something else that is bothering me.  

I just woke up, full of fear, like tons of other people I assume, and it is this damn money and not having enough of it to satisfy others problem again.  Any suggestions?  

The gratitude list, the being thankful, the inventorying that not all is lost and that I've been in much worse situations isn't giving me the needed power not to be tortured by the fear.  I know the big book tells me this regarding fear.  It says fear somehow touches every aspect of our lives, and that is certainly true at this point in my sobriety.  It says that fear is an evil and corroding thread, and I want it gone, it is serving no purpose, and in fact, it is making me purposeless for myself and others.  My fear in life, in all areas is creationg motions and forward momentum that my feelings are screaming I do not deserve.  For example, I am suiting up, showing up, and wanting to not be finacially hurting or driven mad by not having enough money to cover bills, and there is just not enough work to earn what I need.  Is my fear cutting into me getting my finacial needs?  

Then the book asks me to ask myself if I got the ball rolling?  It says maybe my tolerance of fear has caused it to be more troublesome.  After reviewing my fears thoroughly, can I see they have no resentment in connection with them?  Most of them do have a resentment that another didn't keep their end of the bargain after they either manipulated me to do something for them, or could have done something else that would have provided the opportunity not to be financially broken.  I think the defect is resentment at my employers and that their actions are forcing me to have to find more income.  Me being person responsible for that is the great fear, I make things worse because my attempt to get more is driven by negative fear.  

Why do I have negative fear over the reality that my life the way it is as an employee of companies I am resenting, because they are not providing my bill collectors enough?  I do have negative fear that is taking away from my life in terms of joy and freedom, because I have no faith in myself to create joy and freedom in this area.  My track record tells me I when left up to the tasks of finding ways to pay bills, always end up working in a situation that makes me miserable, with people who cannot provide for my needs.  Now if I look at that closely, is that true?  Well the miserable part is, but the place I work for now, for several years has provided what I needed, and for a couple of those years, provide more than I needed.  

My self-reliance in this area is failing me, I did get over-confident, and I did get cocky, and it is not solving this fear problem, and it is making this much worse.  

AA says there is a better way than what I've been doing.  In my recovery reality I am relying on God, I asked him in the 3rd step to run this show, but I am not acting like I believe it, so I've got a 2nd step problem, I am not believing in his power.  I still have an issue with God that is blocking me from his help.  Can I be willing to trust and rely on his power and his help?  I can.  Is God infinite, or is God finite like myself?  God is infinite.  I think the fear is coming from the fact that God I might see as something that prevents me from getting my selfish wants to become a reality, I think the fear is I know God is powerful enough to prevent me from getting my selfishness.  I think my problem is I am resenting God.  

I need to stop that, and the opposite of resentment is obviously not resenting and giving up on what I want, which by the way must be bad for me, if a loving God is here to help and run this show.  I am forgetting his is all-knowing in my goal to be rich and never have a financial problem again, I am unrealistically having an agenda to have so much money, I can just throw it at problems and use it to make myself happy, I know now I am thinking Money is a bigger God than God.  That's the problem, my spirit knows that is a lie, but my sick mind isn't well enough to buy into it, because that truth is being blocked by fear.  

Here is a key, the book says I am in the world to play the role I am assigned by God, and this role includes me not giving more time to Money, than to what he wants, which is clearly me to realize a life that isn't so dominated by a need for more money.  My fear isn't allowing me to not be obsessed with having more money though, and I can see how I am in need of major help in this area from God and people who God has helped with this stressful reality.  

I know one role I play is going to meetings and talking about my alcoholism.  I keep forgetting if God gave me that role, through no input on of my own, he can also give me a role outside of recovery that most call a career or profession, that gives me joy and freedom, exactly like the joy and the freedom I get attending the meeting I attend.  Right now however, the jobs I have acquired by myself, bring me little joy and freedom, and an amount of income that drives my disease crazy.  

The book asks me if I am doing to the extent what I think he would have me be doing?  The answer is no.  I do things I want to do more so than things I know I should be doing.  I know defiance, rebellion, and anger at not being rich is driving that.  I know most of my beef with God is that he has not allowed me a life where worrying about money hasn't been a reality.  I've been worrying about money since I was 7 or 8 years old, it's been a major theme in my life, something I've always thought about, and I don't think too highly of myself for it.  I am super guilty over the fact that I have a mind and have had a mind for a long time that focuses mostly on money above other things, including God and helping others.  I drank to escape my obsession with money, and also drank to escape my inability to earn it.  Obsessing over it, and not able to obtain it, and then becoming ripe with jealousy and envy of those who had it, was a huge reason why I drank to not feel, and drank to escape, it's always been a major problem in my mind that I have kept to myself, or denied to others was what was going on.  

I do address my alcoholism though, and I do go to work, and I do try to help, and I am not perfect, but I will do better, once I am not blocked by my self, and the only measure I know that can unblock me is grace, not me trying harder to make my self unblocked.  

I can depend on God, I have to it is my only choice and option.  Depending on the employers to solve the problem hasn't been working, and depending on myself to find new employment is making things much worse.  The book says I need to pray for courage.  The book says I have this fear because God is about to demonstrate what he can do through me, and I guess the fear being so overwhelming is to get my attention to surrender, so he can start using me to make a message to others about money not being great enough to measure up to what he does.

I am to ask him to remove the fear, and direct my attention to what he would have me be, which is him demonstrating to others that money is no God if you think it is.